Should I marry this HPD girl? Does she even have HPD or is i

She's never cheated on anyone and I am hoping her religious beliefs help us...

When I met her she was 25, funny, and VERY beautiful, a 9.5. She was also religious, a no sex before marriage type. Because of the way she sometimes reacted to things, I sensed that she was not a virgin, that she had been raped long ago. After prying in to her sexual past she reluctantly confided in me, that when she was 19 she went over to a friends house to hang out but he was not home. HIS friend was though, and he invited her to come in while she waited for her friend. Thing is she knew this guy liked her because he kissed her once before and she said they kinda started seeing each other. He kept trying to date her but she stood him up. Well, that night she was there waiting he started kissing her and she told him he was moving too fast for her and long story short, he got her on the bed, took her clothes off and raped her (with a condom). She said she was unable to move which I found out is common (sexual Paralysis, animal instinct to play dead). Never told anyone until her parents found out she had gone to plant parenthood because of the receipts they found. (Note: when I met her, she came home with me on the first date in 30 minutes, but was surprised when I went to kiss her and refused until in a relationship, but later gave in.)

In any case a month after the rape she met another guy who became her bf, and after a few weeks of pressuring her they slept together twice (which I heard is a common way for rape victims to take back control) but she left him out of shame. She has abstained for six years since then and has barely dated at all, like three guys including me, compared to before, which was constant new bf every couple months because she lost interest or they pressured her for sex.

Well, I know a lot about psychology and am good with body language. While we were a couple my gut instincts went into effect. One day she asked me what I tell other girls when they hit on me and I told her I tell them about her. Then I ask her what she does when other guys hit on her and she said she tells them she is taken. I sensed she was lying.

A couple months later she was talking about how she loved a certain movie. Thing is it just came out and she would not go alone, and has few female friends. She became uncomfortable and realized she slipped. So I asked her who she went to the movies with and she said she didn't she watched it on DVD. It was not out on DVD yet. I asked her again over a period of time and when I confronted her about it not being on DVD yet she changed her story to seeing the movie with her dad. I bought it. Read on to find out the relevance to the story.

A couple months later she was talking about how this guy on myspace who had been trying to get a date with her for several months even before she met me, when she was single and how he was still after her and how he was trying to talk about God all the time now as a way of getting a date with her since she was always talking about God. She said that long before she met me he had tried buying some products from her as a way of meeting her and she saw through it, agreed to sell the merchandize to him but still would not go out with him. She said it was pathetic and she could see through it. Fast forward to today when she told me he had recently asked her to burn him a CD of hip music since she seemed so cool and she did but was going to mail them to him without him paying for them (she refused money from him) because she did not want him to know where she lived. Then she played a voice mail message he left her (he had her number from before we were together because of her business she runs, he bought some stuff from her). The VM was talking trash about me basically.

I went home and thought about things and figured she had to be doing something to be leading him on. I asked for her myspace password which she gave me and I found out:

She went to see the movie with her male friend the first week of our relationship. they had been friends for five years and it was clear from the emails he liked her but she did not like him, in fact she avoided him eve when she was single and that this was the only time she ever went to the movies with him or did anything else. After ward she felt guilty and told her parents she would never do that again and she didn't (this is confirmed by her parents and emails), she avoided him every time he asked her out and told him she was busy. Other than that she vented about some of our problems to him but if you see the emails you see she doesn't like him, he is but ugly and has no game or money. I am not so worried about this one. I had mentioned to her two weeks into the rel. that hanging out with other guys such as going to a movie was not OK and that I would dump a girl for that. She panicked and made a mistake she said. She ended the friendship since then.

But I am worried about what else I found. The other guy who had been trying to get with her for almost a year when she was single was asking still asking her out month after month. Instead of saying she was taken she would say she is busy or has to work, which was untrue, she was available. This went on for months. Then I saw emails right about the time (summer) I had chewed her out for not telling guys she was taken that she needs to tell them that, where she finally told him she was taken the next time he asked her out. He told her he would leave her alone but she told him he could still be her friend since they were christians and that chrstians need to stick together. They kept talking. He would say it makes his heart glad when she emails him bible passages and she said it makes her glad when he does the same. then one day he got mad and told her he felt like he deserved a better chance than the one she gave him and was mad because she chose me. That he is ready to hang out when she is...

She replied back that when she met me she didn't even want a bf, that most of her bf's caught her at a weak moment. That i chased after her for months(LIE!) and that she couldn't stand me at first (she liked me) She told him most of the bf's she had she had to leave because they pressured her for sex even though she told them no sex before marriage when they met. At the end of it she said she was not sure how much longer we would be together, she was waiting for an answer from God. The timing of her saying that being right after he said he is ready to hang out when she looks bad, especially with he blowing him off by saying she is busy instead of I have a bf. In her defense, she did blow him off for a long time when she was single and this is how she has always blown guys off, I see that in the emails from past rel. and when she was single. She says she just doesn't want to hurt their feelings and that they eventually forget about her or give up.

To be fair, we were having some problems in the relationship at the time even though it was no excuse for this. I gave her a lot of reasons to leave me but she didn't because she loved me too much. It would have been best for her to leave me but she stuck by me.

In both cases, there are similarities: with her friend she hid the rel, vented about our rel. and told him she is not sure how much longer we would be together. Judging by the emails from while we where together, before we where together, and her general behavior toward him, as well as several other things, I believe this was innocent. The movie was a mistake and I had not laid out that boundary until after the fact but even without it she never did it again because she felt guilty.

But with the other guy I don’t know. The situations are almost identical; hid the rel. at first, told him she was busy, vented, told him she was not sure how much longer we would be togther. Trouble is that in this case this guy was not her friend. In her mind he was but not in reality. That and the fact that she said it right after he said he is ready to hang out when she is.

She took a test at my recommendation and came back as 70% chance of HPD…

-She is 25 and still lives with her parents
-Works 12 hours a week at 8/HR
-Went to college, got an AAS degree.
-Bad with money
-Inconsiderate and child like at times
-Sometimes her emotional scenes such as crying seem insincere.
-I catch her in white lies all the time
-she has given up all her passwords to evetything

There is nothing in this post rigorous or compelling of a histrionic pathology, merely a dysfunctional one. Therapy is vital to your relationship in any case.

She could be somewhat HPD...... the ones I've known had no morals so she is different from them I think.

BUT....... an HPD or a BPD or an NPD even if they have good morals......... they would still be very self-oriented. They are people
who don't develope empathy, true kindness etc........but they can fake it ......... to fool people.......

Mine tried to act "good"......... then cheated on me 1 week after we were married! Then sadi it was just a stupid mistake.etc why couldn't I just let it go...... and get this.......we had no sex on the honeymoon or the first week because she didn't "feel like it"......but then she chased and seduced the other guy!

So I guess Forrest Gump was right........

Kane wrote:There is nothing in this post rigorous or compelling of a histrionic pathology, merely a dysfunctional one. Therapy is vital to your relationship in any case.

Thanks, that makes me feel better and I guess there is hope. She did not cheat on me and has never cheated on anyone. I see that she acted like this (via the emails in her myspace) with a past bf but did not cheat on him, and I have a hard time believing that she would. But I can't help but wonder if this is her (HPD). She has not been officialy diagnosed or anything. In any case yeah, a girl that has gone years without sex and is as devout in her religion, raised by religious parents can't be all that bad. Everyone likes attention, even I exhibit a lot if not most of the signs of HPD.

It could just be that I have PPD.

Wisernow wrote:She could be somewhat HPD...... the ones I've known had no morals so she is different from them I think.

BUT....... an HPD or a BPD or an NPD even if they have good morals......... they would still be very self-oriented. They are people
who don't develope empathy, true kindness etc........but they can fake it ......... to fool people.......

Mine tried to act "good"......... then cheated on me 1 week after we were married! Then sadi it was just a stupid mistake.etc why couldn't I just let it go...... and get this.......we had no sex on the honeymoon or the first week because she didn't "feel like it"......but then she chased and seduced the other guy!

So I guess Forrest Gump was right........

Yeah I have read some of your posts and it is a crazy situation.

hes got no game and he is but ugly,

hes got no game - what does this mean he wont ever play for
the lakers?

Are you 15?

I dont think think she has hdp probably has a bit of growing up
to do much like yourself by the sounds of things.

Where were you getting married Mac Donalds?

Move on my friend. Help you help yourself.

HPDwary wrote:...She did not cheat on me and has never cheated on anyone...

Then what on Earth is your definition of cheating

Penetration?

ccumm36D wrote:

HPDwary wrote:...She did not cheat on me and has never cheated on anyone...

Then what on Earth is your definition of cheating

Penetration?

There are levels of it, one being emotional and another being physical. With the physical it is obvious. Some go as far as saying that hanging out with others of the opposite sex is cheating it all depends on the boundaries of that relationship.

With emotional cheating it can be a little ambiguous and the intent has a lot to do with it so do expectations. I am concerned about what has transpired but am more concerned with wether or not she has HPD.

Okay, HPDwary, let me be brutally honest here.

My ex-wife fits all the criteria for BPD.

She fits all but one DSM criteria for ASPD. The one she doesn't fit is conduct disorder before age 15, and that is because nobody knows her history before age 15.

I had great reluctance to marry her but was manipulated into it by her personality disordered behavior.

There were a gazillion red flags. I didn't know what a red flag was then. I just knew there was something wrong. I couldn't put my finger on it, and I was a physician, albeit an intern.

I will leave out her jumping out of moving cars, attacking me at night in my sleep, in daytime, chasing me down the driveway screaming "if you go to work I'll kill myself!" overdosing to keep me from deploying to Iraq, then ambushing me and our two small sons five times with a loaded pistol.

I've been seperated from this lunatic for five years. I have full custody of my sons, who are now 11 and 13. Two years ago she was diagnosed, off the record, as a psychopath. She has no visitation, no contact with her children.

While I was seperated I was targeted by a woman I worked with that I now diagnose her myself with HPD. I won't even bother you with that story. If you want to read it I wrote about it here in July 07. It has only gotten worse. Now I get death threats and she shows up at my house at night taking photographs of my new house I presume to send to my exwife who has threatened to come to my home. I thought when I met this woman I was being targeted. I was right.

She also told me of all of her abuse when she was a child. I felt so sorry for her. Come to find out she was never abused and even her own mother, who confirms that and doesn't have anything to do with her, says she is nuts.

You remind me of me in both relationships when these women were pushing for a committment. You are looking for any reason to doubt yourself.

It is embarrassing to admit to yourself and maybe others you were blind to behaviors that are now painfully obvious to you. Plus you have a lot of time invested in this relationship, you're getting older, I might not meet someone with her good qualities, and there are "some." Then there is always my favorite "I can help her because she has been abused and she will only get and act ""better.""

I said all these rationalities to myself about both of my ex's.

But the very fact you are here on this forum is more than enough warning sign to you that there is a serious problem here with your girlfriend.

Isn't that ironic? Your own actions are HUGE red flags to me and should be to yourself.

Even the great book "The Sociopath Next Door" says to trust your gut instinct. I wish I had. Now I have two terrorized sons and myself, huge debt, and with the exception of their very existence, 15 wasted years. At this very moment I am writing this from my second job to pay off the ex-wifes debt and attornies fees from both of them. My sons are asleep and safe though.

But my ex-wife is gorgeous, a 9.5/10 and the ex-girlfriend is attractive but has lots more charm and seduction. Let me know and I'll send them your way, take the heat off me.

If you won't listen to the voices in your head warning you to run, then listen to this one......."buy airbornedoc a porsche".............

If you won't help yourself, then at least help me, lol.

RUN, DON'T WALK!

My $0.02.

Airbornedoc

HPDwary.

I should have my answer to your question easier.

"No."

Now, RUN DON'T WALK!

Airbornedoc