Should I marry this HPD girl? Does she even have HPD or is i

airborne doc,

I appreciate the posts and I read your story when doing a search on here a few days ago. Sorry for what you went through.

Most people here seem to think she is not HPD and we both took a test together and had almost the same score for HPD likelyhood. Considering I KNOW I am not HPD, I think it is safe to say she is not either, and people like Kane who understand this better than me seem to agree she is just immature not HPD.

I will keep my eyes peeled though.

HPDwary wrote:... intent has a lot to do with it ...

Intent has everything to do with it! Or in the case of the HPD lack of intent. For she does NOT intend to cheat but at the same time she does not intend to remain faithful. She has no boundries; sound or unsound.

Emotional? Physical? You're drawing distinction where none exist.

Cheating doesn't start at the physical. Cheating doesn't have to be emotional.

Cheating isn't just a noun.

Cheating is betrayal!

It's just that simple...plain and simple.

There are no levels of cheating. You can't be a little bit pregnant, you can't have just a little cheating. Lines are either parallel of they're not. It's an either or kinda thing.

If she is spending "quality time" with another man then she is cheating. If she is having coffee, drinks, lunch, a movie, a walk, taking a break at work, calling him on the phone, taking his calls, exchanging email, shopping, flirting, being a "social butterfly", having sexual relations, then she is cheating. If she is spending time with him rather than you, she is cheating.

Obviously she disagrees. If you agree with her, if you can attach varying degrees to these activities that qualifies them as less than cheating then your boundries have been compromised by her lack of boundries.

By the time this realization sinks in and you try to correct your behavior you will seem a hypocrit to her when you try to re-establish more healthy boundries. This is an argument you cannot win.

You said she was a "No sex until marriage" kinda gal. To me that suggested virgin. My apologies to the virtuous vixen.

HPDwary wrote: Considering I KNOW I am not HPD,

hey, thanks for the great big belly laugh.

Comments like that actually raise your probability of being HPD.....too funny......

ccumm36D wrote:

HPDwary wrote:... intent has a lot to do with it ...

Intent has everything to do with it! Or in the case of the HPD lack of intent. For she does NOT intend to cheat but at the same time she does not intend to remain faithful. She has no boundries; sound or unsound.

Emotional? Physical? You're drawing distinction where none exist.

Cheating doesn't start at the physical. Cheating doesn't have to be emotional.

Cheating isn't just a noun.




Cheating is betrayal!

It's just that simple...plain and simple.

There are no levels of cheating. You can't be a little bit pregnant, you can't have just a little cheating. Lines are either parallel of they're not. It's an either or kinda thing.

If she is spending "quality time" with another man then she is cheating. If she is having coffee, drinks, lunch, a movie, a walk, taking a break at work, calling him on the phone, taking his calls, exchanging email, shopping, flirting, being a "social butterfly", having sexual relations, then she is cheating. If she is spending time with him rather than you, she is cheating.

Obviously she disagrees. If you agree with her, if you can attach varying degrees to these activities that qualifies them as less than cheating then your boundries have been compromised by her lack of boundries.

By the time this realization sinks in and you try to correct your behavior you will seem a hypocrit to her when you try to re-establish more healthy boundries. This is an argument you cannot win.

You said she was a "No sex until marriage" kinda gal. To me that suggested virgin. My apologies to the virtuous vixen.

I agree with you that penetration does not need to occur for cheating to have occured and that cheating doesn't start at the physical, but life is not always black and white. The intent behind exchanging emails means a lot. Every relationship has its boundaries and expectations and those need to be communicated as soon as possible in the relationship. Some couples are OK with their partner hanging out with members of the opposite sex, I am not, no exceptions (except dad and brother obviously).

Emotional cheating is something that is a little less understood. It is a given that you not cheat physically. Emotionally is a little easier to cross than say falling on someones sex organs by accident...repeatedly.

And not everyone has the same expectations.

In any case, do you think she is HPD? THAT is the real question.

As far as the vigin thing, she was date raped and then slept with her bf whom she met after that a couple times after he pressured her. She left him out of guilt and shame and abstained for 6 years, avoiding dating almost all together.

HPDwary wrote: Some couples are OK with their partner hanging out with members of the opposite sex, I am not, no exceptions (except dad and brother obviously).

Emotional cheating is something that is a little less understood.

Emotional cheating is a term that can describe someone being 'unplugged' from a relationship.

"Emotional cheating" sounds like it gives you a perfectly rational excuse to accuse someone of it when they are speaking, looking at or chatting with someone of the opposite sex as an overt way of controlling them.

Your statement about the no exceptions? It's unrealistic, unless you are a Muslim from Pakistan or Iraq or nearby.

I disagree with Mr36D's definition of cheating, in some parts, I think what he's written is too broad. I think one can have coffee, lunch phone calls from a work colleague of the opposite sex in l innocent circumstances. There should be nothing wrong with close platonic friendships. You should be able to have the freedom to enjoy some evenings drinks at times too.

Most people fantasise about someone else outside of their current relationship, especially if it's a long term one. Most fantasises are fleeting and meaningless. Whether it be with Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston or Garfield, but it crosses the line into cheating when it physically happens. If you're gonna condemn someone on 'emotional cheating' then you are coming from a position of power and control, nothing less, not from loving and caring. Oh, and setting yourself up to be an accuser of cheating whenever it takes your fancy, a bit like King Henry VIII. Off with her head!!!!!

But Mr36D used the term 'quality time with him instead of with you' now, that is different. As it implies there is no quality time spent on the prime relationship, if that is the case, where someone has become unplugged from their partner, but spend quality time having drinks, smoke breaks, too many phone calls or too intimate emails with someone of the opposite sex or {shock horror} go shopping with them! Well, yes, then there may be cause for concern....(and a determined effort on both parties to right the wrong if they so desire) .but, many a relationship has recovered to become a long-term fulfilled relationship after an episode where the other partner was only 'flirting' with the idea of an affair, but never actually did it.

Complex area, but I think Mr36D and HPDwary's boundaries on trusting their partner are far too restrictive and are likely to lead to exactly what they don't want to have happen. Their partners having an affair.

oh, Jo's out and I've just come in on this one......

shivers wrote:

HPDwary wrote: Some couples are OK with their partner hanging out with members of the opposite sex, I am not, no exceptions (except dad and brother obviously).

Emotional cheating is something that is a little less understood.

Emotional cheating is a term that can describe someone being 'unplugged' from a relationship.

"Emotional cheating" sounds like it gives you a perfectly rational excuse to accuse someone of it when they are speaking, looking at or chatting with someone of the opposite sex as an overt way of controlling them.

Your statement about the no exceptions? It's unrealistic, unless you are a Muslim from Pakistan or Iraq or nearby.

I disagree with Mr36D's definition of cheating, in some parts, I think what he's written is too broad. I think one can have coffee, lunch phone calls from a work colleague of the opposite sex in l innocent circumstances. There should be nothing wrong with close platonic friendships. You should be able to have the freedom to enjoy some evenings drinks at times too.

Most people fantasise about someone else outside of their current relationship, especially if it's a long term one. Most fantasises are fleeting and meaningless. Whether it be with Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston or Garfield, but it crosses the line into cheating when it physically happens. If you're gonna condemn someone on 'emotional cheating' then you are coming from a position of power and control, nothing less, not from loving and caring. Oh, and setting yourself up to be an accuser of cheating whenever it takes your fancy, a bit like King Henry VIII. Off with her head!!!!!

But Mr36D used the term 'quality time with him instead of with you' now, that is different. As it implies there is no quality time spent on the prime relationship, if that is the case, where someone has become unplugged from their partner, but spend quality time having drinks, smoke breaks, too many phone calls or too intimate emails with someone of the opposite sex or {shock horror} go shopping with them! Well, yes, then there may be cause for concern....(and a determined effort on both parties to right the wrong if they so desire) .but, many a relationship has recovered to become a long-term fulfilled relationship after an episode where the other partner was only 'flirting' with the idea of an affair, but never actually did it.

Complex area, but I think Mr36D and HPDwary's boundaries on trusting their partner are far too restrictive and are likely to lead to exactly what they don't want to have happen. Their partners having an affair.

OK, fair enough, I will agree that it is a little too broad, but hanging out with other men is not OK. Basically anything you would not do in front of your SO is emotional cheating, so sayeth Dr. Phil. I have to agree, because if it wasn't wrong, you would be doing it in front of your SO and not hiding it. Do unto others comes to mind as well...

In any case, the general consensus is that she is not HPD. That is good news to me, because it gives us hope. We split the other day (we usually get back together in a few days).

What I need to know is if this relationship is salvegable. On the surface what she said and did, saying she is busy instead of I have a bf, and more importantly telling him she is not sure how much longer we would be together after he says he was ready to hang out when she was look very bad. But when I read between the lines, she was still rejecting him by saying she was busy, and she said that to him even when she was single, for months on end. She never did that with me when we we met.

Also, she was telling me about their conversations but leaving out the bad details. She was a Christian girl, who had abstained from sex for 6 years, and before then had only had it twice but left the guy out of shame and guilt.

The character of the person over all, sends one message. What I see on the surface of her actions sends another. What I see when I read between the lines sends yet another. The guy was not the kind of guy she would go for in looks, or personality. I mean she rejected him for a year. Still, what she said looks bad. My trouble is that it is kind of a gray area. If it was black I would be done and move on. I am just wondering if I am
not walking away prematurely. Maybe couples counseling is in order? Suggestions?

ccumm36D wrote:

HPDwary wrote:... intent has a lot to do with it ...

Intent has everything to do with it! Or in the case of the HPD lack of intent. For she does NOT intend to cheat but at the same time she does not intend to remain faithful. She has no boundries; sound or unsound.

Emotional? Physical? You're drawing distinction where none exist.

Cheating doesn't start at the physical. Cheating doesn't have to be emotional.

Cheating isn't just a noun.

Cheating is betrayal!

It's just that simple...plain and simple.

There are no levels of cheating. You can't be a little bit pregnant, you can't have just a little cheating. Lines are either parallel of they're not. It's an either or kinda thing.

If she is spending "quality time" with another man then she is cheating. If she is having coffee, drinks, lunch, a movie, a walk, taking a break at work, calling him on the phone, taking his calls, exchanging email, shopping, flirting, being a "social butterfly", having sexual relations, then she is cheating. If she is spending time with him rather than you, she is cheating.

Obviously she disagrees. If you agree with her, if you can attach varying degrees to these activities that qualifies them as less than cheating then your boundries have been compromised by her lack of boundries.

By the time this realization sinks in and you try to correct your behavior you will seem a hypocrit to her when you try to re-establish more healthy boundries. This is an argument you cannot win.

You said she was a "No sex until marriage" kinda gal. To me that suggested virgin. My apologies to the virtuous vixen.

No, she does not really disagree.

I'm not sure, but, try this:

very charming and have a FAN CLUB
lack of boundries
lack of logic and math
fake emotion
indeed, not interested in sex
DO NOT care about your feeling
DO NOT care about your family and friends
DO NOT LOVE you, but want your support and make her believe that herself IS OK!
redicious request and drama
high and low, mood changes frequently with no reason
regilous is only an excuse, she is really faithful to God, but she do not want to share with you
you ALWAYS worry about her

the core is : she want to be the center of attention
you have to pay so much time, money, attention, spirit for her charming smile.
Is it worth?!
How many boyfriends or male 'normal' friends ? Who care !
She wants to goto church because there are so many people and she can cry and prey and so excite, she likes to be noticed.

I have got a 'soulmate' HPD female friend too, and for God sake, she IS a Christian.
She runs the business like Amay and so she can contact with so many people (more than 500 in her phone).
I DO NOT make love with her, because I feel like she wants to pay me by this.

(
Please excuse by poor English, I'm a Chinese.
but the forum helps me a lot!
thanks
)

flirt others and say she is innoccent
don't post your pictures on her blog or website, or delete or hide it soon
make herself into lots of problems, like finance \ emtional \ healthy

Is she ?