recently diagnosed HPD

I would be interested in talking with you anytime. Mythology

Hi! My name is Caroline and I am quite new to this site. Well, I have social phobia and know quite a few people with various mental health disorders. My boyfriend is bipolar and I think my good friend, who is also my sister's boyfriend, is histrionic. My boyfriend is taking Lithium, which is a godsend, because when he doesn't take it he is obnoxious, irrational, and can be cynical, sarcastic and verbally abusive. Not to mention his impulsive behaviour (driving recklessly, buying drugs, leaving the front door wide open all day after he leaves the house...) Anyway, my boyfriend is one of the most caring, kind, intelligent men I have ever met and he is very charming and a great friend. I thought of leaving him because he is bipolar and I wasn't sure if I could handle that, but his good qualities really do outweigh the problems with bipolar. there are a lot of understanding people out there. What kind of medication are you on for these disorders?
It sounds like you have a lot of willpower and that will help you deal with all this. I know more about bipolar and that taking medication is very useful to prevent the mania and depression. I'm still learning about histrionic...I'm not sure how to even deal with my sister's boyfriend anymore. He needs so much attention and flattery, and he does change like a chameleon, like you were saying, depending on the situation. He hasn't been diagnosed by a professional yet, but we'll see. Even though he may have HPD, we generally love being around him because he is so charming and seemingly positive, and loads of fun. How genuine is he, though? Anyway, hope this helped some!

Hi, raalmus. I'm 23 years old and when i was 18, the psychiatrist in the army diagnosed me as Hpd, who developed a dysphoria over a low self-esteem etc. I was very obese when i was a teenager, so when I lost weight, I started to sick for that constant attention that is an integral part of HPD. Only recently have i started to read about my disorder and admitting things to myself. I can understand you, it's very hard admitting things, especially when they are not really "nice". For instance, realizing that most (if not all) the relationships and sexual contacts were never genuine and were just a compulsive way of reasuring myself. Or that every move i make is intented to sexually arose men. It's just an example. There are lots of other unpleasant things you have to admit to yourself in order to learn how to cope with them. But you CAN teach yourself to cope with them.
Concerning the affectiveness problem and not knowing who you are - I can give you an advice, hoping it will help you.

First of all - do something you enjoy of, that DOES NOT INCLUDE SEEKING OF ATTENTION !!! For instance, i like cooking, baking, doing home chores. Lately, i painted a peacock on my door
Now planning to paint something on my window... I hope you got the idea. That's right- ART!!! Also bought a camera and started shooting black and white. And do that not in order to show others (like we usualy do, because we do everything with the ultimate goal of getting attention), but try to enjoy the process, and find out what YOU like and not what others expect you to do (we do thing that others expect us to do, otherwise we afraid they might not like us).
Second of all - try to spend some time during the day alone, reading, enriching your personality, really teaching yourself to do things that are enjoyable to you, without getting a "feedback" from others. You have to know when others' opinions matter and when they don't. And trust me, if you think a bit - most of them don't.

Concerning falling in love - you are only 25!!!! so don't be obsessed with falling in love. You shall, my friend, when the time is right But when you do - stop for a second and think whether you really like that person, or you just want him/her to like YOU, and that is the real reason why you're so nice to him/her. Because we get confused sometimes between the two.

And don't feel that HPD is something horrible, don't dramatize. It's all about learning, just like we learn at school to solve equations, step by step, the same way you can learn to live your life in a normal, fullfilling way with HPD.

And finally, therapy can always help. It's not a magic wand, however it helps. Trust me.

Good luck, and c u in the forum.

p.s. be genuinely positive!

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Hi
When i wrote in my previous response "sicking", i meant "seeking"... sorry

Hello Lina,
I thought you gave a lot of good advice there, a lot of insight.

find out what YOU like and not what others expect you to do (we do thing that others expect us to do, otherwise we afraid they might not like us)

Just like some people do with different disorders, I'm going to get on the soapbox and rant about labeling. Not everything in a disorders list will apply to us if we have some form of the disorder. So people have to be careful not to put themselves in a box and just accept every little description or to magnify it. Like those with ASPD aren't the only ones who are self centered, only narcissists are proud, those with BPD are the ones who think bad about themselves etc. Having a disorder is about more than one or a couple traits its about different things working together in a certain way on a regular basis. That said, it bugs me a bit to hear that, those with HPD relate to people only for the other to like them.

Most people want to be in a relationship with someone who likes/appreciates them for something. If people are honest with themselves, most people want something in return. If someone is talking in regards to HPD then its like, oh they want to be liked/loved (in return for whatever they do to please the other).
Now, if you just described out of nowhere someone who liked/was in love with a person who didn't like them, despised them, abused them etc.- most people would say something is wrong with that person. Like they must have low-self esteem, self-hatred or have a disorder?"They" say you should be in a relationship where love is reciprocal, that "love is a two way street".Catch-22.People have to watch out for labeling sometimes, when you do something-it's the disorder, when they do it it's normal.

Having said all that...

without getting a "feedback" from others. You have to know when others' opinions matter and when they don't. And trust me, if you think a bit - most of them don't

Speaking now as a person of faith,
It's o.k. to want to please others, appease them, show kindness etc. but there is a limit. We ought to please God rather than man. So that means if people don't like us anymore (don't approve whatever) because we are trying to do what is right, the pleasing people part has to be pushed aside.

In regards to what I wrote earlier, it gets even tougher, because yes we should be able to love/like others who do don't feel that way about us. I don't believe we as human beings can do that on a regular basis. It takes something more to enable us to do that.

On the good side those with HPD have something that can work for good. To be able to treat others with kindness, appreciate them, make them feel special etc, even though there might not be great depth of feeling or even if they have another set of thoughts on that person, this has it's place. Teachers, those working with those with psych problems, working with felons, possibly doctors-many professions need to be able to put their feelings and thoughts aside(or hide them) in order to treat the person with interest respect etc.You can't go by feelings there, well one day I like them (for who they are)or I don't, or I won't treat them a certain way because they aren't interesting to me anymore. Just like there are people who can go and do their job or routine irregardless of how they feel (weather or not they like something at the moment)...maybe there is a place for people who relate to others, in a decent, kind, charming, fun etc. way- irregardless of how they feel or what opinions they might have.

Is that acting, not being genuine? Is a therapist always genuine? They may treat people great (with respect etc.) but do they really like everyone they are working with, I mean "deep down"?Do social workers genuinely like everyone they're trying to help? How about teachers, do they genuinely like all the kids they are trying to teach, yet they have make sure all the kids feel equal.

I think most people don't have a problem with the "good side" of HPD, being charmed, entertained, the interest, attention, kindness, optimism. They don't think of it as not genuine and real-until the one with HPD starts putting obsessive demands on them (and I think the key word is extreme or obsessive) or until the one with HPD breaks the relationship commitment or an assumed commitment.

They assume the feelings aren't genuine because the one with HPD is looking for/involved with someone else. Or, they might assume that because suddenly the one who had been so focused on them, giving attentive etc. asserts they that they now want something in return(which is a normal thing) but again I think its more that it becomes extreme/suffocating. The one with HPD then turns to using lying, manipulation, games to try to get the attention/love at ever increasing levels.

I don't think it's out of the ordinary to want to be liked or loved, or even to enjoy attention. The key is not to be a slave to that. The problem is desiring it at extreme, ever increasing levels. The key is not to use wrong behaviors, or be self-degrading to get it. Some people will give you attention if you degrade yourself, and then hate you (whatever) if you then ask for/look for anything in return. That is not the route to go.

Sometimes, I think people will use someone with HPD for their own pleasure, fun, entertainment, and then get offended when the one with HPD gets a bit deeper than that (or actually has a sensitive side).Then they don't get it when the one with HPD tries again to find something more, somewhere else. I think that is part of the whole describing the false-self, the lack of genuineness. The one with HPD can behave like the fun easy going good-time party person for awhile, but deep down they want more (unlike the one with ASPD, who doesn't or doesn't even realize they do).So it's not like they really aren't that way, but they still want something more at the same time. And, like the social worker etc. they can be social and attend to you, even while they are feeling something else inside.

boy I went on...

Well I just hope you and Raalmus and others with HPD,keep posting on the boards.

Hey Lina,
in case you didn't know, if you register you can go back and correct/edit what you wrote.

Extreme days.
What a very intelligent and insightful look into HPD.
Incredibly thought provoking.
Thank you for your comments.

Thanks for the encouragement