[b]What do you make of this?[/b]

After 9 months of no contact, My HPD/NPD/BPD, and I finally arrange a time to share a dinner (through her insistence). She had for the last 3 months directly or indirectly been suggesting we do something together, but I've been reluctant or was unwilling to break any plans to see her. For the obvious reason, it wasn't going anywhere.

Here's the weird thing.... During the day we were to meet, she changes the plans and includes a girlfriend to join us. I should also mention we discussed 3 alternative restaurants that day. I attribute it to her being terrified with seeing me for the first time after a period of time. The biggest question I have is WHY did she include the friend at the last minute???? (I should note we've always been friendly, warm civil. And never have had any conflicts whatsover. In no way am I violent person. I'm usually warm towards her and treat her with respect.)

There are only two reasons why... 1. To introduce me to her as a potential mate, but this seems so un-HPD like. To me HPD's walk away and that's it... So why take this step?? Also, she dressed rather sexy. I remember one time I asked her why she wasn't dressed up, and she said, "Why I have nobody to impress?". I know she dressed that way for me, but is it appropriate if you're setting somebody up?

Or 2. To be some kind of emotional security blanket, because she's probably real anxious about meeting with me.

Do HPD's set their friends up? In any situation??? My logic is if she's trying to arrange something, then she's doing it to keep me around for when she really wants me. Thinking she can have me at anytime she feels.

Here are some of the things I noticed during the meal, which caught my atttention.

Her friend was the bad girl. She talked about subjects , which I consider taboo if you're trying to make a good impression. While my HPD was more angelic. Speaking the opposite. To be honest with you I was a little fascinated because I've never seen her interact with a female friend (non-coworker). It's usually men. Also, her friend was definitely more dominant in the conversation. Steering it from one subject to another. The best way to describe it. Her friend was the mommy figure, and she was the little girl. I just thought of something, the grilfriend would talk about having to protect her from the uys when they would go dancing. This might support her needing some emotinal security. Weird.

Second, my HPD was a little subdued. More distant and had some anger in her tone at times. It was subtle but present.

Although we've done this before at the same restaurant, she shared my meal with me. Literally. Ate off my plate, etc. In my eyes this is an intimate gesture, which strikes me as odd, because such a thing does not occur.

The next day at work (I was off), I received an e-mail via my HPD from the friend saying how much of a wonderful guy I am. The e-mail was forwarded without any comment from my HPD. My HPD could have at least included her thanks too but didn't do so until later in the day. I wonder what she was thinking having to forward something from another female to one of her male admirers?

Lastly, my very basic instincts tell me she and her friend went to dinner with a plan. To eventually cause me harm at some later date. Part of me says I'm being paranoid, but it just seemed so scripted. With some of the things that were said.

So, I'm wondering what her motives are. Could it be I'm a great guy? So, she wants me to meet a friend or is she getting a friend's impression of me. Or is she trying to suck me back in without being so forward

Under normal circumstances, I could explain away what's going on rather easily. But....... there seems to always be something sinister going on. Like she is angry at me because I don't want to play anymore. But if she only knew, how long it took for that big scar to heal. Then she would understand why I'm so resistent.

Thanks for your time....

They're both undeniably social manipulators and a partnering at that.

What do you think she wants? Love? Romance? Gently soft spoken words of kindness? A monogamous relationship and eventual marriage? Attention?

Her friend will only further her goals. It was most likely a simple insurance of security, with another person around her interested in her goals, less could go wrong.

You don't know how she is with her girlfriend under other circumstances. I've seen my HPD girlfriend start a fight with me and then suddenly one of her girlfriends would show up and there I am being hurt and angry. Of course, my HPDs girlfriend thinks that's just my normal state of being. I've been set up.

In my experience, it's about validating the character assasination that takes place behind my back. It's a tool of manipulation to isolate me from her social circle.

For you, it was probably a sort of validation to her girlfriend for other reasons. Maybe she's out to get you back or maybe she is simply using a euphoric memory of being with you to avoid any new intimacy. Notice how her girlfriend gave her validation that you were a great guy. Notice how she forwarded that information to you without comment.

I think you're supposed to respond now...?

Anyguy, I think you might be making the same mistake we've all made lots of times. That is, attributing the same thought processes to your HPD as you have yourself. They (HPDs) rarely think things through ahead of time, and never think about their own feelings and internal experiences.

The simple truth is, she probably just wanted to see you, and she wanted to see her girlfriend. If her girlfriend was impressed with you, more kudos for your HPD.

Try not to drive yourself crazy trying to figure out her motives. Believe me, she doesn't know what they are either.

I think your HPD wanted her mentor to check you out.

The mentor probably invited herself..........

All the advice above is extremely accurate and worthy of consideration.

Wow there is a plethora of insight here...

They're both undeniably social manipulators and a partnering at that.

This is what I'm afraid of. What their motivation is. What benefit does the friend get out of this?

I don't have a problem with her seeking to get back into my life. But I worry at times it's more to harm me in some way because I basically stepped away from her, which she is not accustomed to.

Her friend will only further her goals. It was most likely a simple insurance of security, with another person around her interested in her goals, less could go wrong.

During dinner I sensed her role was to facilitate whatever agenda my HPD had. She didn't just come there to have a few drinks, which the average unsuspecting man might think was happening, but instead to help a friend. But what's the payoff to the friend? I'm curious about that.

In my experience, it's about validating the character assasination that takes place behind my back. It's a tool of manipulation to isolate me from her social circle.

As for me, there is no concern of overlapping social circles. Actually this is the first time she has included me in one. I don't disregard the idea she would also participate in character assasination, too. I believe if there were character assasination, it is more about devaluing me to handle her disbelief that I'm not caught up in her web. I would imagine her friend must be baffled because I came across as a nice guy.

Maybe she's out to get you back

I suspect she is quite aware that I'm a good guy and treated her well. Because of the way things are, she just doesn't know how to handle someone like me. You know someone who treats her with respect. Ultimately, she doesn't want to lose me.

or maybe she is simply using a euphoric memory of being with you to avoid any new intimacy. Notice how her girlfriend gave her validation that you were a great guy. Notice how she forwarded that information to you without comment.

What does this mean? "euphoric memory to avoid new intimacy". With who? Is she trying to get back to that state of mind with me? Does she want to have a sense of well being because of who I am?

Also, could you explain more about the friend validation and the forwarding of information without comment. I'm not fully understanding what is being implied. What is she trying to say I'm a good guy? Even her girlfriend thnks so? I'm not quite getting it.

I think you're supposed to respond now...?

In what way did she expect me to respond? What was she hoping I would have done or said in my response?

I did respond to my HPD's thank you for dinner with a simple acknowledgement that having dinner wasn't a problem and I hope she enjoyed it. There wasn't any reference to any future get togethers. Why? Because I've learned that those old feelings are hard to supress. And I don't want to jump back into the quicksand without at least a rope to pull myself out.

They (HPDs) rarely think things through ahead of time, and never think about their own feelings and internal experiences.

This is what's confusing to me because it seems she does think things through. Can another PD be overlapping the HPD? Maybe NPD/BPD? or SPD? By some of the things they said, it was obvious she shared information about myself or our personal interactions to manipulate the encounter. That is why I thought it was so scripted.

The simple truth is, she probably just wanted to see you, and she wanted to see her girlfriend. If her girlfriend was impressed with you, more kudos for your HPD.

I don't disagree she wanted to see me. And I imagine her girlfriend, too. But I think the girlfriend served a purpose for her. The only concern I have is her motivation. Why? To rebuild the relationship or to get even in some way?

...is she maybe bisexual? It's possible...

Yes, my HPD is. Were they there to encourage something between all three of us? I don't know. But I doubt it. If they were, they went about it the wrong way. I'd say within 5 minutes of meeting the girlfriend, she was talking about being seduced by another women and rejecting her because of her lack of interest in women. Also, my HPD said she would no longer be with another woman. She also said she has a past that basically she wasn't proud of.

So, I don't think their intentions were to take it to that level. But instead to do the good girl/ bad girl routine. Was it to manipulate me to see my HPD as a better person because she feels some personal shame, which she atttributes to my reluctance to seeing her? Was she trying to meet a standard she feels I have? The funny thing is, I'm very tolerant of people's preferences as long as it causes me no harm.

What bothers me most is, I limit sex talk with women because I don't feel it's appropriate. So, why would they even bring it up in the first place? Don't get me wrong, I'm in no way inhibited or ashamed of sex... But there's just a time and place for it. I imagine these two are pretty wild when they are out and about and the girlfriend probably went over the line. This might explain why my HPD backed into the good girl role. She didn't want to be exposed as being just as wild.

I think your HPD wanted her mentor to check you out.

The mentor probably invited herself..........

I agree with this.. She was there for a purpose. And believe me, I did not disappoint as is evident by the favorable rating she sent.
The question now is... What is my HPD thinking? Considering she devalued me and I didn't live up to her billing? Or is she now to become more determined to keep me?

It's been a few days since we had dinner... And I tell you those old feelings did resurface. It was difficult dealing with the aftermath. I must admit it is so hard to shake it off. I hold no animosity towards her and I basically accept the fact that it's not meant to be. I can move forward with someone as long as we are heading in the same direction, but I won't continue if things don't progress. Am I angry at her? No... Just indifferent.. I've learned to accept her and any other person as they are. When I have an understanding of a person, their behavior has less of an effect.

The good thing is I was able to get back up and dust myself off. In fact last night, I met someone, and we are to meet later. It must be good karma.

I can only translate this through my own experience and everyone is different. If my girlfriend had suddenly brought her girlfriend, I would think it was because she wanted to get some feedback on the "you" that she probably refers to often.

My HPD lost a fiance through suicide (and a husband previous to that) and she uses the fiance as an excuse to not commit at times (or change her mind). She remembers her ex with fond memories that are not based upon a complete reality (euphoric memory).

I don't know if any of that applies here.

One thing that jumped out at me...she was bisexual and the issue of bisexual sex came up in the first five minutes...

I thing that's a big clue. My first thought is that you were offered up for potential involvement if you found the friend attrative enough...

That's about as clear as I can think at the moment (my own current stresses care screwing with my head).

ANYGUY wrote:After 9 months of no contact, My HPD/NPD/BPD, and I finally arrange a time to share a dinner (through her insistence)

Should have stopped there and said, thanks for the offer, but no. Would have saved you the rigmarole of having to analyse more of her shenanigans.

Crikey Mikeys! You really are interested in spending a lot of time, analysing this, aren't you?

I'm with Nicholas, you should never have gone. Your emotional well-being has been seriously tripped up and you're already back in her web on the edges

As long as you weren't forced to pay for everything, really, who cares if her girlfriend came along? I don't think it necessarily stands for anything significant except perhaps to have you wondering why, and if that is the case, she has succeeded, eh?