Small Improvement

I managed to make it through a party without drawing negative attention to myself. I went to a small gathering of about 9 people. There was music and a pool and they were grilling meat. I got into the pool when I was invited in. I swam and floated around mostly quietly as I didn't have much to contribute to the conversation (I never do, and normally this bothers me and triggers anxiety and negative behaviors but I just remained calm) until I was invited to play a game. The entire time I basically just ate, listened to music, and listened to others' conversations. Was I uncomfortable? After 3 or so hours of not being involved in the conversation, of course I became uncomfortable. But I also have this fear of saying the wrong thing and being judged or embarrassed. So I was able to tolerate it because not being involved was better than embarrassing myself. Either way I enjoyed some of the conversations, I spoke only when I had something relevant to say, joked around a little, and mostly enjoyed myself even though I felt like I didn't belong at one point.

I got a bit bothered towards the end when one of the ladies (pretty sure she is HPD also) decided to take a phone call in front of everyone arguing with her roommate. She could have stepped out like I did shortly after when my mom called me with drama. I've never thought it polite to take calls in front of people at a gathering. Then she proceeded to make the conversation about problems she is having with her roommate. I will admit I'm jealous of her and her ability to relate so well to everyone around her. But that's a whole other post.

Anyway, I made it through without crying or having an anxiety attack or running away. I sat with my feelings and dealt with them properly. And when I got home I didn't cry. I think that's improvement, even if only just a little.