hospital employees tired of me

mm so i 'm not diagnosed with hpd [ i 'm a bpd\\anorexia patient at a hospital , i think i may have both bpd&hpd ??]] but my friends [actually my exes lol ] brought up the idea that i have hpd too or histrionic traits /. i am a little girl in her 20s ,college drop-out/ya that 's all

i am currently in a hospital to do dbt and cure my bpd whatever [involuntary &i don 't want to get better ] at least for now ] but um i 'm really annoying the employees on my unit . : like i don 't know so i got my hands on a new pair of socks [hot pink ]] and i put them on and i went to show them to a wonderful lady . i 'd lost my voice from screaming in the seclusion room but i tried to say

"check out my new socks , do you like them ? "

and she ignored me and i said

"what do you think ? "

she was like ok they 're socks i don 't care "" soso i responded by saying i wanted to be fun and she 's being a bitch and then i started yelling repeatedly "i want to kill my self " over and over again while wandering around my unit . another patient shouted at me to shut-up and i smiled and continued being as loud as possible .

eventually my social-worker came out of her meeting [i guess she recognized my voice ] and asked me what was wrong , & i said the employee made me upset and i 'll find a way to slit my wrists and bleed to death . and i hope she feels bad etc . my social worker asked me to behave and how it 's all choices i 'm making &not others and idk . i said i deserve to be dead but she said we all have bad days&she unconditionally accepts me and whatever . i 'll be alone . the other day i said that i hope she hangs herself and/or her family dies . why does she care about me ?

also like they lost my earbuds and i said i should 've hung my self with them if i 'd have known they 'd lose them . . i 'm not allowed to have earbuds any more

i create scenes every day when i don 't get my way or i become upset &&&& their attitude is turning worse . cause/effect . i said to them i 'd break my wrists if it 'd make them feel better\ forgive me ,i deserve it so.

i think they hate me . is there some way i can repair my relationship with my nurses ? i am pathetic &feel um ashamed even if that seems fake i actually feel like a bitch and want them to like me ? helpp
__________
87adoremoko ;hearts

That's all bpd, and why many mental health professionals hate them.
Just think of how much damage you're doing to future patients by stressing the employees out and traumatizing them

I think the lines between hpd and bpd are blurry, but either way...

People with BPD (myself included), push others away. It's what we do, and very hard to explain why. It let's us go to our quiet/safe/alone place, and reaffirms our painful belief, I am unlovable except what I am doing for others. I must be some type of ideal thinking.

On the plus side, you are working on getting this out in the open now, versus a lifetime of hiding it, and behind cover of HPD/NPD/AsPD coping mechanisms. That takes strength too, to scream and let it out. I doubt the nurses hate you so much as they just don't know how to help.

yea . i forgot to mention i did apologize to one employee she 's one i like . she said "it 's ok but what if i 'd taken it personally ? " and i said mm it 'd make sense if she hates me etc etc etc i 'd understand but thinking about it i 'd probably tell her she 's pathetic and conceited if she takes my behavior to heart .

i don ;t want to go into detail about why i think there 's co-occurring hpd right n i 'll stop posting here to make you happyy ;back to bpd land

We aren't professionals here, and the forum rules prohibit diagnosing others. All you'll get is guesses based on other's personal experiences, but really we cannot say if you do, or do not, have HPD. Please don't take that personally, it's a global forum rule that we are unable to diagnose that applies to everyone (moderators too).

You are welcome to post here if you think you have HPD (or some symptoms of), and others are free to reply with their thoughts/experiences, but yea, really we aren't capable of doing any more then guess. Definitely sounds like something you could bounce off a therapist/counselor. They are in a better position to assess.

I know you are going through a tough time now. All we can do is provide a bit of support on this forum.

Best,
xdude

i am putting together a proper ''' self-analysis''' because i am a little stubborn and onl;y have reading&journaling to fill my days ,hospital is dull . it 's kind of upsetting .

i read a book to my psychologist for an hour today while he feigned interest, lol aalso i 'm being transferred to a long-term "'community-transitions "' unit so i 'll have different doctors .

As the patient, you have every right to make sure you are treated accordingly.

You will have to be your own advocate in this matter. Hospital staff are people too, they aren't gods, they are just people, who are trying to make sense of what is going on moment to moment.

One thought to throw out there for consideration...

Yes you have BPD, but can you turn that around into a strength? The BPD is not going to go away, but can you take that depth of emotions you feel, and use it to be a leader, or you are still at a point where you need to feel it out? This a tough choice, what do I do with my disorder? That's the part we do have some say over.

xdude wrote:This a tough choice, what do I do with my disorder? That's the part we do have some say over.

mhm that is a tough thought . if you 'd asked me 6 months ago i 'd say i want to lose weight until i 'm dead , i 'd want my family to remember me by my weight . i feel differently now <maybe i don ';t>
i still can 't imagine existing longer than a few additional years . i don 't know what i want to do other than be sick . i 'm too dependent on others to care about me .

a re-occurring thought i have is ''' i 'll never leave the hospital because of my bpd''' ( unhappy) &''' i want to be in the hospital forever''' ( my anorexia, happy)

don 't worry i 'll stop ,xx

Aww, metaphorical hug from a distance.

People with BPD do suffer, and in a deep way others mostly cannot grasp. I know you are hurting right now, and will limit my replies. As someone who inherited BPD, it stinks. The way out is to choose 'me', I finally decide, I care about myself, but you are not there yet. I hope you get there, but words are easy, and doing it is hard.

Best,
xdude