Hello

Hi Everyone,

I've surfed psych and psych disorder sites for years, and have had fleeting infatuations with several different disorders and other diagnosis that I never received. For the best, too, because I always realize later that I'd been making a mountain out of a molehill. I never thought I'd make an account on one of these websites myself -- let alone post. Not until I properly looked into HPD today.

The reason for my searching is the same as it always is -- something feels "wrong with me," compared to others, and the way they feel and behave. Something that doesn't seem to be explained by my ADHD diagnosis, or by possible anxieties, or by just being "awkward," or by the results from some personality quiz or another. In high school and prior, my close relationships were online, and my face-to-face ones were superficial so I didn't quite notice many of these patterns. Or I noticed behaviors, and simply thought it was naivety, or inexperience, or something like that. Something not serious, and if it was serious, wouldn't my therapist have told me? Wouldn't it have shown up in my full Psych eval? Wouldn't someone believe me when I pulled up another jacked test from Psych Central and asked if they saw it too?

But now, I'm in my second semester of college. I'm with people in social settings, always -- that's what happens with a roommate. I don't party yet, I don't have big groups of friends, but I've finally started noticing my trends. At least, I've finally started realizing that maybe they truly aren't normal. I always tend to doubt the extremity of my symptoms when comparing to diagnostic requirements, but since coming to this forum... So much of this resonates with me, in ways I've only felt when reading about ADHD (which I am diagnosed with) and RSD (a lesser-known disorder that is extremely comorbid with ADHD, speculated to be at around 99%, and I am not diagnosed with this but want to speak to my home-state therapist about it when I can).

There are inconsistencies -- I'm not sexually promiscuous; I actually consider myself Demisexual. I don't have a fan club, or a group of men who want to be with me (to my knowledge, of course). I don't date often because I don't have the opportunity to do so, and I crave deep relationships. I don't think I'm terribly impulsive with life decisions (I'm an honors student, for example, and I hardly party or drink). I'm an introvert with few friends, right now. I find it wrong to ever threaten a person with suicide, and I don't think I could ever do it anyway (though I self-harmed for a stretch and I feel disgusted admitting this, for the first time admitting it in my life, but it was probably for attention, which I only received online by the way). There's inconsistencies.

But other behaviors resonate with me so deeply that I can't shake the thoughts. I get high scores on HPD quizzes -- one, 97%, and the site warned that a score of 30%+ warrants a visit to a psychologist. I was actually pretty shocked by that one. I didn't think I was nearly that bad, deep down, if I even "passed" the test at all -- a long time of people not taking my troubles very seriously.

I can go more into detail about my experiences if that would be helpful to any responders. I just... I want opinions. I want to know if I'm just some crazy NON, or if there is enough here, according to people who HAVE HPD, to see someone. To take these suspicions seriously. I need brutal honesty, whether it is confirmation or denial... I need help.

I have dreams that I want to fulfill and people I'm afraid to hurt or to scare away. There is a boy in my life and I watch myself mess things up with him, unable to act to stop myself from doing it. Being dramatic over small slights, upset, needing his attention and his affection and flailing inside when I don't get it, rinse and repeat... He's good, even though our relationship is complicated, and I want to be consistent with him whether or not we end up "together"... But I fear if this continues, I will lose him even as a friend. That I will lose everyone. And I don't like that. I don't want to be alone.

I crave intimacy. I crave closeness. I crave a sense of belonging, of not feeling "second place," of being secure in my feelings of being wanted. Being loved. And I fear that, even if I am faced with this possibility, that I am eventually going to destroy it in my own self-fulfilling prophecy of loneliness -- the one that urges me to protect my relationships, to strengthen them and to fix every error, to the point that they fall apart at the seams.

Again, I can give examples of specific things if requested. I just wanted to get my general comment out there... Especially because I have assignments due tonight, and this is a long post already.

Thank you,

Pitch