Self-Sabotage

I’m just gonna share my thoughts for a bit.

I’m ruining my own life. I have dreams, fantasies, about being a performer. But I’m about 80 lbs overweight and not very attractive in my opinion. And I don’t work toward that goal; I just daydream about it. Kind of depressing when you think about the main thing I do once I get home from work is sing and dance, pretending I’m doing it on a stage, then binge eat. I’m just like my mom: I want things but I don’t want to work for them. I was given an opportunity to work on a particular project and I didn’t do anything. They haven’t heard from me in 2 weeks. And I can’t bring myself to stop avoiding the situation. I blew a lot of money I had saved up. I’m talking thousands. On nothing. Didn’t even get the things I needed. I honestly think that since I will probably never experience fulfilling interpersonal relationships outside my family (I do have a genuine connection with them), my “career” would be all I have. And I’m doing nothing to develop it. Makes me kind of hopeless. Anytime I feel I don’t want to or can’t do something anymore, I just drop it. And in that same vein, I think I’d probably just do the same with my life. If I weren’t so scared to. But I have fantasies of that too. I dream of committing suicide and that being the end to my problems. But I’m afraid of going to hell so I don’t know if I’ll ever really do it. I live in a fantasy land. It’s ridiculous because I’m a f***ing grown-up.

I wasn’t sure about my capacity for empathy after some forums that I read speculated that maybe we don’t feel empathy. The other day I saw a kid getting yelled at and crying and it made me feel something. It made me want to cry. So maybe I feel. But for the most part I don’t feel I’m connecting with people emotionally. It just makes me feel like I shouldn’t be here. Like what’s the point. To me my shallowness is so tangible it hurts. I’m constantly aware of it now in interactions and I’m afraid others see it.

I’m setting myself up for failure in life. I’m screwing myself. Having the career I want would keep me busy, so that I don’t think about these things. That’s why I like working in a work setting: it keeps me busy. Makes me feel productive, like I’m contributing. Like I have a reason to be here. It’s me being a part of the real world.

I’m so up and down too. Like I can’t decide on wtf I even feel. Anyway, I’m getting tired of it. I’m getting tired of myself.

Hey there, I'm so sorry you're going through that! please be patient and loving towards yourself, no matter what judgemental thoughts come up; just let them come up and without any judgement whatsoever, replace them with something more compassionate, the way you talk to a family member, or anyone you love. As for not being certain about what to do, that's normal! We all feel that way from time to time! About the procrastination, don't push yourself too hard, my suggestion is "try to do things just for 10 minutes; without thinking about the 'how much ' part, do it for the sole reason of just 'doing it' " and this has helped me so much with procrastination ! As for the other parts, especially suicidal thoughts, if you feel stuck about life or any part of what you described here please please get help from a professional, because they are better equipped to help people. I hope this helps, blessings!