HPDs actually are aware during arguments

I've been lurking for quite a while in these parts because I had the misfortune of dating a BPD and a BPD/Histrionic with some Narc traits. The first woman painted me black permanently because I had the foresight to save all chat history with her and when she threatened to smear me to my friends I told her about the archive of chats I had since the beginning and the narc injury is too much for her so she went no contact with me.

The Hpd girl I've been on a few cycles with and every time I do it's like she's putting up a mirror showing me my weak points such as weak boundaries, not being able to explicitly state my real feelings and desires for fear of rocking the boat, etc etc.

Not that it matters because even though I can change and be more patient/more direct with my feelings/set stonger boundaries, in the end her emotional outbursts cause her to devalue me and we drop each other again.

But I noticed this last fight we had, where she said the reason we're fighting is because I have my sights on some other younger girls in my social circle (I don't). I have enough self control from the last time to not give her what she wants (drama) and cut it short before it escalates into full blown fight. She still dropped me anyway and I don't mind since I have other girls anyway (lesson learned).

Anyway as the fight was progressing she told me to keep chasing those "hoes". Then I said "did you just call Girl 1 and Girl 2 hoes??" And I stood my ground there for a bit because I want to see her hang herself but even though she seems out of control she didn't outright say in chat that she thinks the girls are hoes. She would not put those thoughts in an actual sentence as you might think someone who really lost it would. It's a small social circle and it would be valuable for my defense in case she tried to smear me too much but nope. She would only imply it but never put it in an actual sentence.

This leads me to think that maybe she's actually aware during the whole thing and is doing it on purpose to make ME say things she could use against me later. This is pretty sick so I think she might have some ASPD tendencies in there somewhere too.

I don't know it just doesn't make sense to me that someone who is supposedly so white with rage can suddenly have self control when it comes to things that will directly affect them.

Hey krass,

Hopefully someone with HPD can provide some insight too, but personally I think most cluster B personalities fear that those they are emotionally involved with will betray them, so initiate preemptive strikes.

The thing is, lets say you did have a passing thought about one of these other women (not saying you did), but what is really more likely true is your ex was having thoughts about others too, and that presents a quandary. People with cluster B thinking struggle with this notion of expecting purity of thoughts in their SOs, while having their own normal conflicted thoughts. "If I am thinking these things, then so are you, and so how can I trust you?" What they may miss is that for most NONs, ambivalence, or those random thoughts, don't have much weight, but then NONs typically don't have the run-away emotions that people with cluster B personalities experience.

The other thing about cluster B personalities is that many do have very good intuition, at least at times. People with HPD can very quickly pick up on what appeals to others, and I suspect most of that is done unconsciously. Even if conscious, that quick pick up can be a strength in some situations, but that same intuition can result in them seeing those emotional tells that others aren't necessarily conscious of either. If for example you gave another woman a look, or even just were mildly flirtatious, odds are your HPD ex would have picked up on that. It might not come out immediately, but it would be remembered. It's a self-esteem blow if you had shown any interest in someone else, even if in your mind no such thing happened, or it didn't mean anything.

On the flip side, it's probably impossible for most people to grasp what it means to live with such deep levels of implicit self-esteem damage. There is really nothing to be envious of when it comes to cluster B disorders. It's all just band-aids and scabs over a wound that has not been addressed, let alone healed.

I find it kind of odd that you're freely throwing around psyche labels for these girls, I'm sure they'll be better off without you.

I have recently been diagnosed with BPD, HPD subtype - which somehow means i have both BPD and HPD.

People with HPD can very quickly pick up on what appeals to others, and I suspect most of that is done unconsciously.

Yes. But i am even better at figuring out what makes other people angry and what is controversial. I create drama and attention by being controversial and making others angry. That is because it is incredibly hard to please people all the time. It gets boring to them and to me and then you are no longer the center of attention. Like i need to fill the emptiness...

Now that i know this is a problem and is interfering in my ability to have friends and relationships i have read up on the topic (It explains a lot) and i'll be better and be more "real", less dramatic.

I wrote a lot of stuff but i realized i was drawing attention to myself again.

I often wonder where people meet all these disordered people? Are there conventions, meetings somewhere. Is there a mailing list I need to join, how does it work? If dated some really wack a doodles but no one has ever told me they have a personality disorder. Two where Bi polar, both on meds.

Solowolfpack wrote:I often wonder where people meet all these disordered people? Are there conventions, meetings somewhere. Is there a mailing list I need to join, how does it work? If dated some really wack a doodles but no one has ever told me they have a personality disorder. Two where Bi polar, both on meds.

Well, we all have a bit of something, so it's not hard to take what we do have and create a whole disorder from it.