Histrionic Best Friend Cured My Narcissism

I grew up with a mother who suffered from Narcissistic personality disorder. She was the introverted type and so it was subtle. As a child she went to Grammar School but was from a very poor family and so it was a big thing when she passed the 11+. She was always more intelligent than her brothers and sisters and was put on a pedestal by her dad who taught her that she was special, clever and better than others. I had an older sister who was the golden child and who bullied me outrageously. She is now a fully narcissistic individual her self and the cycle continues with her children. When I was young, I also was taught that our family was special. My mothers view on anything was the only one that counted; her feelings more important than those of anyone else. She was incapable of empathy and any emotion felt was always through the prism of how she was affected and she competed with me constantly. I became a real people pleaser as my mum was passive agressive if you said or did anything against what she wanted or how she felt. I would respond in any conversation with what I thought the other person wanted me to say. I was able to gain control over others with easy charm, a smile and the ability to make everyone like me, or so I thought! My goal was generally to achieve and be the best at everything. Like my mother, I had no ability to put myself in another persons shoes, to care for them or to build anything but superficial relationships. I had hundreds of aquaintances but no real friends. I was incapable of intimacy yet I was loved by most people who knew me.

Then I met [*** mod edit - name removed ***], she was bubbly, loud, funny and I liked her from the start. We worked together closely for 5 years in a team environment. I always liked her and she made me smile with her eagerness, energy and like me, her easy charm. I was never really the loud one and I loved her loudness, the endless drama, the fun. My feelings were completely platonic. In the early days, she love bombed me by inviting me to meetings just the two of us and questioning me endlessly on my life, there was no work done! She'd pull me in by getting me to look at photos of her, telling me about her life and then creating drama and trying to get my attention. As my feelings were platonic and as I had little empathy for how she felt, I easily rebuffed the drama when I felt irritated by it and moved on. After that she quietened down where I was concerned and moved on; I didn't care.

Years later, I sold my house, moved in with my then partners mum and dad and was really stressed as my property that I was moving to fell through. She read me perfectly. She began again by asking me to lunch, getting close to me, asking for lifts home and generally getting more demanding. She started flirting outragously, putting her hand on my thigh, kissing me, touching me and just genrally seducing me. I told her I was getting married secretly and she went into hyper nervousness, over talking, asking questions, she seemed really upset but she still made herself a part of it. Again, I was pretty numb to this in true narcassistic style. I got married to my wonderful wife and returned to work but before long my HPD friend was all I could think about. I wasn't sleeping, was day dreaming and using her as escapism from the difficulties of living with my wifes family, which was really stressful and hard due to my father in laws OCD.

Something amazing started to happen to me at that time, my HPD friend was adept at drawing out emotion and pulling it onto her self. She was intense and able to maintain my focus by constantly making jokes about her body, telling me all the issues with her children and family etc. People say that HPDs don't feel empathy but I am convined that she had bags of it. She was able to read and feel my emotion but the defining difference was that she pulled it onto her self. It was her own emotion she could not feel. She was able to pull emotion from me but she was incapable of feeling anything deeper back. It was soooo strange ! They say that HPD's are addicted to drama but I think it is the emotional response of others that they are addicted to. Drama causes an emotional response and that is what they seem to crave.

Suddenly, my world changed. I began watching TV programmes that I had always watched, but the characters were no longer shells but were rich with meaning. I could see and enjoy the relationships between the characters and I could imagine how I would feel if I were them. When I spoke to aquaintances I had known for a long time, I could see myself in their shoes I could not only see and read the emotion, I could feel it. My blindness had gone, I could feel for others and really truly envision myself as them. I started making friends, caring, laughing more, crying more. I hadn't just learnt empathy but rather, I could totally transcend myself and be that person. My life is richer and fuller.

I can never repay my HPD what she has given me. I only hope that she is ok as I now know that the perfect picture of her life that she paints is not true and I see the damaged individual underneath. I am going on holiday with her soon and being faithful will be a struggle as the pull between us is very strong, however, I owe it to her to try and definitely to keep it platonic. I think we would be dangerous for each other. I don't know if I can help her in any way but I hope so. She's a good person with a personality disorder and if anyone understands that, it's me. I'm surrounded by personality disordered people in my life, but I myself feel completely healed. What a gift from God and with a little help from a histrionic best friend.

Hey Jamie,

Normally a post like this would get moved to the Significant Others, Family and Friends forum, but it's quite cool that you learned something from this relationship, and perhaps others with HPD will appreciate it.

Sometimes it works out that people with cluster B personalities can have an impact on each other. They often do attract each other, but to have learned something, a change, is meaningful.

My HPD ex taught me somethings too, and odds are I'd have never learned it had it not been for her. There is no way we'd get along in a full time relationship, the ups/downs, pushing each other's buttons, but yea, sometimes something good comes from these relationships.

p.s. I did edit your post to remove her name. I don't know if that is her real name, but please avoid any details that would reveal her or your real life identity.