Eternal struggle of HPD

Hello everyone,

Please, help. Is there anyone who has faced same problem? I am an HPD. I am happily married and have a child. My husband is the best of what one can dream of: loving, caring, understanding, etc. From my side my marriage is based on trust, true love (not passion!) and care. But every now and then I get madly in love with other men. And every time it is struggle: I don't want to cheat on my husband but same time I cannot think of anything else but that man. In such periods all I have gained in life seem not important to me. To make things worse (or probably better?) I fall in love with people who would be not suitable for me. And every time I can invent their sympathy towards me or deeply fear they don't like me. I wonder what will happen if this sympathy ever becomes mutual. Will I be able to abstain from having sex with them? My therapist says I will because he thinks at that moment when I am able to get this sex with them I wouldn't be interested in it anymore. The thoughts about sex with another man whom I feel in love with keeps running through my head, but I love my husband so much, I never want to do anything like that. Has anyone dealt with the same problem? Thanks.

Today I've seen him again. And he mentioned some "attractive girl of 24 yo. I feel so down and depressed now. I am dying from jealousy and not knowing what he thinks about me, whether he thinks me beautiful or opposite. I DON'T know what to think. The head is complete mess-up. Do not know how to get to know his attitude towards me. How do you face these things?

Hey Newcomer,

Just a thought to throw out -

I think the real struggle starts at the beginning of run-away thoughts/emotions, but people with cluster B personalities may not focus on stopping those. We may rationalize, what is the harm? It's nothing dangerous/serious yet. We may even indulge, because it feels good, alleviates boredom, gives us something to look forward too, and more reasons.

Now some tough love -

I suspect you already know that too, and you know that the fantasy is not going to match reality, but really nobody can help with this but you.

From what I have learned about HPD, much of it comes down to what will the individual choose. Some choose to actively break their pattern, some not, but in a way it's the same struggle everyone deals with in various ways in life. That choice of I keep doing what I have been doing, or change it, is uncomfortable, even painful, for everyone.

Xdude, thanks for reply!
You are right, I am trying to change the pattern of perceiving various situations but so far I have not succeeded. I feel so hopeless and helpless. Don't know how to stop depending on it all so much. My internal child, that is a part of me, is obviously suffering from being not loved and so he is so sensitive and depression-prone. I plan to start so-called "positive therapy with my therapist. Maybe this will help. What about medications? Now I am on Zoloft 200+Lamotrigine 25.

We aren't qualified to comment on medications here, and anyone who is probably would not give medical advice online.

The therapy idea (from a licensed, qualified, therapist) seems worth a try.

Newcomer wrote:My internal child, that is a part of me, is obviously suffering from being not loved and so he is so sensitive and depression-prone.

I think this is fundamental for most cluster B personalities. That missing out on unconditional love, and/or maybe worse, receiving very conditional love. People with HPD deal with that in their way, people with BPD, NPD, and AsPD, in their own ways. Unfortunately dealing with it often just means reacting, trying to find some way to feel better temporarily. Really healing that wound is hard work, and doesn't always feel good. No shame in needing a therapist to help.

It seems to me here, in Russia, very few therapists know about HPD, because they have always diagnosed me with OCD instead. And only the current one said it is HPD. Visits to him are quite rare, so I don't know how to try and correct your overreactions meanwhile. Also, could you do anything to get a more realistic view of a situation? Is it possible at all or does it only seem so?

Newcomer wrote:It seems to me here, in Russia, very few therapists know about HPD, because they have always diagnosed me with OCD instead. And only the current one said it is HPD. Visits to him are quite rare, so I don't know how to try and correct your overreactions meanwhile. Also, could you do anything to get a more realistic view of a situation? Is it possible at all or does it only seem so?

Makes sense. Even in cultures where the diagnosis is more common, it's still rare to be diagnosed as HPD. There are many articles on why that is so.

I can only give my personal opinion on the question -

I doubt there is any simple way to change our lifetime habits. It really does just come down to making a conscious choice to want to change, and then the rest of a lifetime working on breaking the habits, replacing them with new ones, and practicing. Again though, it comes down to stopping run-away thoughts before they run away. Therapy can help to develop new habits, but it does require an effort.

For those of us with cluster B personalities, breaking the habit of letting our emotions run away on us starts with choosing to be consciously aware 'my emotions suddenly have become very strong, time to stop, slow down, think about why, before acting'. Even that first step of becoming aware our emotions are on run-away can be difficult to learn, and requires time to learn.

So, this is it. Today I began to suspect that it is all my illusions again. I learned that man had recently had a new baby (5 y.o.) , also he constantly mentions he wants me to recover asap and say "ok, I have recovered, good buy for a year". It is nothing personal, he is a doc and he worries about patients, but at the same time it shows he is not interested, at least it seems so to me. It was all my illusions, a fake. I hate myself. I planned on cheating my family, betraying my closest people, all for a man who does not even seems interested. How to live with this feeling of guilt, i don't know. It even feels I like experiencing these extreme emotions. I sat in the car and cried, now I am having a coffee on a petrol station on my way home and don't know How to show to my husband with such red eyes. Sorry, I am hollow, couldn't say this to anyone, so wrote here.