How can I get her back?

Hi everyone, I'm new to the forum so please forgive me if I do anything wrong.

I was dating a girl for 9 months in a very intense relationship. I'm a smart guy, I pick up a lot and I knew that something was staring me in the face virtually the whole time, even though I'm no psychiatrist. I am not without my issues too, which probably helps me identify them in others, I don't know. We started out really well, it was a lot of fun and we were practically identical in so many ways. I was supportive, attentive, and encouraging in all areas of her life. I listened to everything she said. One day however, she said something that was a little surprising, and it caught my attention. It wasn't anything necessarily offensive, but certainly insensitive and I thought it important to be honest. This was the first time she flipped out on me. From thereafter, anytime I raised a concern her defense was in the form of attack because she felt criticised or challenged. I found it particularly difficult to understand why she would leave a door open for her ex's (whom she said she had no further interest in) to communicate with her, particularly when she painted them in a bad light, and I often wondered if she loved me as much as she said she did, or if I was waiting to find out that I was just a rebound. I tried super hard never to say anything that would make her feel bad, but there were times I wanted my feelings to be acknowledged, and often I would feel like they were unimportant to her. All the time another person might bother me, she would empathise, but should it ever be her, she was angry and would deflect anyway she could. This would happen almost every thursday, and she wouldn't calm down until late on friday, I struggled to understand this. Seeing as the majority of the time we were happy, we made future plans together. We planned on getting married, me moving out to where she lives, and I raise her son with her. I got on well with her family and friends, I really thought we were going to be great together, and that these issues would iron out eventually.

I then started to hear stories from both her and her friends (who at the time were very open and honest) where I'd see a pattern whereby she would act out if she wasn't centre of attention, and be quite scathing of people (friends etc.,) if they weren't putting her wants/needs above her own, and I spent a long time trying to persuade her that her friends had her best interests at heart. One day I thought that perhaps my biting my tongue wasn't working and that fights continued anyway, so I tried to talk to her about some of the things she was doing and tried to get her to see another person's perspective. That didn't go well to say the least, and I ended up not only with her mad at me, but her friends also. I totally screwed it up. By this point I was at break point, I only ever wanted her to be happy and feel loved, and I felt like everything I did was wrong no matter what it was. I then did the worst possible thing, I stepped back for a few weeks to take stock of it all and lower my stress levels. During this time, she was super mad at me for it, and I tried to reassure her that I still loved her as much as I always did, but we weren't communicating, so she accused me of never loving her, which wasn't true at all. I adored her, I just did not know what to do and I couldn't think.

However in my absence, she found a way of getting over me pretty quickly. Despite everything we had planned, she moved onto someone new and she has no interest in me whatsoever anymore. Again, she hasn't cut lines of communication and is "allowing me to talk to her" but has no interest in "us". She says she still loves me but is unwilling to discuss anything to do with a relationship with me since she holds me accountable for leaving her. I know I went about it the wrong way, but this, like so many other things, just doesn't add up in my head. I never stopped wanting her, I only needed perspective, and I do not understand how someone who claims they wanted to marry you/have your child/live a life with you can immediately find their feelings transferrable upon a new interest.

This led me to looking up stuff on the internet to make sense of it all, and I believe that both she and I are Histrionics. Given who I am and the life I've led, it makes sense for me, and certainly for her also, although I know her well enough to know that she would never accept being told this by anyone, so I can't.

As strange as this might seem to you all, given what I've said, I really do want her back. I miss her and I adore her, but I have no idea whether a Histrionic girl ever loves and wants back someone they discarded, or if it's only ever the new interest they're keen on. I made myself look pathetic, I begged and pleaded, which didn't help matters at all. All I can do now is nothing I guess, I don't know, but if anyone out there has any words of advice for me, I need it because this is pure hell.

Thanks everybody who replies.

No one?

MrFreeze wrote:As strange as this might seem to you all, given what I've said, I really do want her back. I miss her and I adore her, but I have no idea whether a Histrionic girl ever loves and wants back someone they discarded, or if it's only ever the new interest they're keen on. I made myself look pathetic, I begged and pleaded, which didn't help matters at all. All I can do now is nothing I guess, I don't know, but if anyone out there has any words of advice for me, I need it because this is pure hell.

Thanks everybody who replies.

Do you really want it?

If you are an HPDI too to some extent, it might give you some advantage in understanding her behaviour, which is a crucial starting point. You may analyze yourself further though, and take the necessary conclusions if appropriate, but if you are predominantly an HPDI, you guys may not be a perfect fit for each other (someone needs to be the grown up, at least as a starting point).

Now as a way to go, if you decide you'd like to spend your life with her: I'd strongly recommend that you read all posts on this forum (or at least the past 8 years). That you take due notes, analyze her specific profile and try to figure out what applies to her and what may not, organize the notes, learn all of that and become able to act on all of it live (I'm trying to do his myself, but the last point is more easily said than done).

HPD's do love (or at least experience part of what love really is). It's more or less the same form of love that is experienced by very young children: intense but lacking the many other facets of "real" love (the love that can be experienced by normal, mature individuals). Also they will act on their love in a very different way than normal persons do. I believe you can help an HPDI train themselves otherwise but it won't take away their subconscious tendency to suppress/modulate information, memories, and feelings whenever appropriate in a way that makes them behave at times contrary to anything a normal person would associate with love.

Never beg, never plead your HPDI. If you want her you need to be her stability, her protection. If a person who is supposed to protect you acts out like that in a world in which you feel there is a need for protection, you'd panick; that's exactly what she did.

If you really want her back, if you think you'd be good for each-other, and if you think that you are able to do what is required, there is nothing in the HPD that inherently makes it cannot happen. Once you've learned everything you need to learn and have a great master plan, you'll have to deal with the hardest part: Somehow have her trust you and establish deep, intimate and constant communication between the two of you. Communication is the key to everything. I'm at that point, and for many reasons very inherent to the H type defense mechanisms, it really seems like mission impossible. I hope I'll succeed. And I hope that you'll do too if you guys are meant for each other.

Hey MrFreeze,

I recall a small number of threads here about relationships between two people with HPD. My recollection is that those relationships started with fireworks, but eventually ran into difficulties, in part because of what you wrote about. Seeing traits in each other such as needing to be the center of attention as problematic.

Personally I agree with VeritasCE's thoughts on what may work if you want to try and rebuild your relationship with her, and the qualifier, it still may not be enough. Her part depends on her, and people with HPD vary too.

On a personal level, from my own experience, and it's going to sound jaded, maybe even cruel...

Something I did eventually say to my probable HPD ex is 'the only thing that kept you interested for so long is that I fought with you, and avoided a deeper commitment'. Okay well I was drunk at the time, but it was truth. My intuition told me that what really kept her involved was the challenge. It's deeply intertwined with cluster B thinking. A part of her wanted me to just love her and adore her, but another part wanted someone who would fight her, create turmoil, prove I was not a push-over, etc. Either way, she'd have been discontent.

Hard question, but what is it you want in a partner? And not just now, but long term? Are you also conflicted in what you want from her?

I have to say, this forum is so eye opening because it’s so incredibly honest, and so many of you are so self aware. I read a lot of posts and think “I’m just like that!” which then creates a feeling of both shock and guilt. I’ve gone through life feeling like I’m an alien, a person who lives in a world he can’t find a way to fit into and I’d never seen anyone like me before, or worse, another theory I have is that I gravitate towards those who are like me, with an expectation of understanding I never feel I receive. I have no sense of self worth, I never had done and for some reason I can’t change that. Counsellors believe I am resistant to change, but it doesn’t feel that way. I wear guilt like a suit of armour and it feels ‘wrong’ to love myself, which I feel was instilled in me by my father, but I can’t shake it. I also only ever feel any sense of worth in a romantic relationship, and when that goes, so does my self image. I don’t even know how to put into words how I feel when rejected, but my entire outlook on the world becomes bleak, and I had attempted suicide twice in my life, other times I merely contemplated it.

Everything said above feels painfully accurate and I want to answer as honestly as I know how. I felt, during the relationship, that I wanted to show love as deeply as I could, in every area that I could, and I saw others recognise in her how she acts when she’s stressed, but I didn’t want to feed her negativity, I wanted to help her identify with it by being straight about what she was doing. Her friends encouraged me to do so and that made me believe I was doing the right thing, but that became contentious. I didn’t enjoy the contention at all, I hoped she would trust in me and what I was saying, because I guess part of me couldn’t fix me, so I wanted to fix the person I loved. I now feel like a moron for doing this.

What do I want from the relationship? This is a million pound question. What’s screwing me ip right now is how I believed our relationship was stronger than it turned out to be. She fought for me to come back when I pushed her away whilst I was under stress, but to her that’s the cardinal sin. I left her, it’s the top of her list for being unforgivable acts, and she moved onto someone new pretty quickly, which messed me up and invalidated everything she made me believe about her strength of love for me. But to go back to the question: I didn’t just love her, but also her son, family, friends and life she had. I was to be part of that and move to her country to marry her. That was the plan, I just didn’t know how to cope with the contention, which is what made me pull away. I now know that I shouldn’t have invalidated how she felt during those times and should have looked between the lines rather than the words she used. I now know I should have been more decisive and embraced the relationship as it was, rather than sitting in limbo hoping for something to change. I now know that she was never going to consider how I felt until after I’d have considered hers.

What do I want? I want to be with her, but in a better relationship than we had. One where we laugh more and fight less. One where she feels security from me rather than ambiguity, and one where I am not afraid to open up to her without fear of punishment for how I feel.

-- Tue May 29, 2018 12:20 pm --

I also want to thank you guys so much for your replies. I keep re-reading what you wrote to understand it more and more. I believe I have a lot of work to do on myself, and if there’s one thing I am, it’s willing. I do love her, and I want to be a more stable ‘me’ for this.

MrFreeze wrote:...I just didn’t know how to cope with the contention, which is what made me pull away. I now know that I shouldn’t have invalidated how she felt during those times and should have looked between the lines rather than the words she used. I now know I should have been more decisive and embraced the relationship as it was, rather than sitting in limbo hoping for something to change. I now know that she was never going to consider how I felt until after I’d have considered hers.

What do I want? I want to be with her, but in a better relationship than we had. One where we laugh more and fight less. One where she feels security from me rather than ambiguity, and one where I am not afraid to open up to her without fear of punishment for how I feel.

I don't have any easy answers, but got to say this ^^^ was honest, powerful, and kudos to you for your clarity on what you are struggling with in this relationship.

Thank you. I know I’ve got a long way to go but this forum is quickly becoming important to me, because at the grand age of 40 I’m only just learning who I really am.

MrFreeze wrote:Thank you. I know I’ve got a long way to go but this forum is quickly becoming important to me, because at the grand age of 40 I’m only just learning who I really am.

That takes real strength. My concern for you is you have had your epiphany, and on a new path, but she is not ready to wake up.

I know the temptation to want to bring the one you love along with you on the path/journey you/I/others have embarked on. It's super painful when they won't/can't.

My probable HPD ex is about my age, a few years younger, but I went through a personal hell (and still digging myself out), to come to a point of acceptance, we are on different pages in life. She isn't ready, and probably never will be, to face her cluster B issues. And another hard thing too. I realized I've spent a lifetime introspecting, and like you, it wasn't until around age 40 where I finally started the steps of making changes, and still it's hard to do.

You are very intuitive, and you’re right. She isn’t ready to accept that she has difficulties, and if I want to be with her, I have to accept that. I know that there are going to be times that will be incredibly challenging for me by way of my own feelings are likely to be voided by hers, but I really want to do this, not as a challenge but because I genuinely do love her. It’s hard to explain, the mere sight of her face lit me up from the moment I met her until now, and I know I’ll always feel that way.

It’s all purely hypothetical right now though as I am no longer her boyfriend, and don’t know if I will be again. I sent a “clean slate before a no contact period” text to her earlier and she replied right away, but I’m trying not to read into it. I have to sort myself out next.

You know since using this forum, I have found myself thinking about things differently, and now i am thinking i lost her due to my own emotional immaturity, and I feel like crap for it. I don’t know why she loved me, or why she still does, and perhaps she is better off with someone else, but I miss her terribly. Ive got a lot of work to do on myself for sure, but I’m terrified she is going to find happiness without me. My instincts desperately want to reach out to her, but I know I shouldn’t. I wish I could tell her how much I learned already. Life isn’t a fairytale and thats perhaps the biggest pill to swallow.