How can I get her back?

I can't work out what I am tbh. I know there's something different about me, something counselling and CBT books haven't helped with, but I don't know what it is. I suspected I might have personality disorder traits based on what I've read around the net, but I don't know. I just know I'm me and I don't know how to be anything but me. I wish relationships weren't so important to me, I wish I didn't find myself defined by the relationship I'm in, I wish I didn't feel I couldn't live without it, and I don't know what that means. But I do know all the self help in the world isn't going to make me comfortable going through live living alone, which is where I will end up for sure. Depression keeps me agoraphobic , and I'm only at my best (work, socialising, achieving etc.,) when someone I love is at my side. I don't love myself, I don't feel any sense of worth whatsoever if the person of my affections doesn't see me that way, and that's not a new thing. I feel pathetic for being that way, but that is how I am, and in order to change that I would have to have dignity and self-respect, which I do not have.

As a child my father drummed into me that any mention of your own needs are selfish, and it was condemned. I know where it comes from and knowing that doesn't change a thing. I feel shame for feeling how I do.

I can relate.

Some say 'shame' is the root belief that drives us who are compensatory NPD types. We don't function well unless someone loves us, and (to be honest) on our terms, but we will also go to extremes to support someone else, at least for a while, to be loved.

I don't get the simple NPD types, or sociopathic types, but I do relate to compensatory narcissism. There are so many articles on this that I won't write more about that, easily looked up.

I do think though that HPD and compensatory NPD are related on some level. So understood why your connection to her felt so strong, and why it is so painful for you that it ended as it did.

MrFreeze wrote:As a child my father drummed into me that any mention of your own needs are selfish, and it was condemned.

Seems like this is a root cause, reason, some of us develop cluster B personalities.

Hey xdude, sorry I hadn't replied sooner, I was going through some stuff, I'm sure you understand.

Interestingly enough, I've switched my perspective on my ex. I've done a LOT of reading for weeks now, and I no longer think she is HPD, all evidence points to malignant narcissism. The more I've read about NPD, the more I become convinced. We had some incredible friction at times, most of which from a place of denial she had that I just couldn't fathom. On top of which, some of the mental gymnastics she subjected me to, when I read the criteria on NPD, it's like I'm reading my own description of her.

As a result, I am no longer surprised or confused about how she replaced me as quickly as she did, or by how scathing she was at my suicide attempt in May when I couldn't take it anymore. I think deep down I always knew what she was, and didn't have a name for it, but what I feel right now is deep sadness in the depth of investment I made .... on a lie. The most beautiful yet terrible lie.

Hey MrFreeze,

I'll assume your belief is correct, in which case it sucks worse. Malignant Narcissists (that combination of Narcissism and Pyschopathy) tend to have near zero loyalty to anyone other than those who praise them constantly, serve their needs/wants constantly, and should you ever disagree with them about anything, you are out.

On the plus side, you dodged a bullet. It could have been much worse had you gotten more deeply involved.

Also on the plus side, it may help you to more quickly disregard her opinions of you. The expectations (i.e., what others should be) of a malignant narcissist are so skewed and screwy that it's only a matter of time before everyone they get involved with is discarded. Sadly though they do tend to find new people to charm, for a while anyway, before it's their turn.

Exactly so. After reading up on it, a lot of memories went from question marks to exclamation marks. For example;

- Her best friends' father died, and her best friend didn't understand what she wasn't there in support. The friend sent her a letter, pouring her feelings out. My ex sent a letter back, as if responding to a complaint, with complaints of her own.

- Her son was unbelievably entitled. Even whilst visiting a friends' house, he would raid their cupboards, help himself to the DVD player, and order the hosts to bring him food/drink. She was no different on that front either.

- She herself was incredibly entitled. Should her friends choose to hang out with other friends, she would treat them with distain, proclaiming that her friends should know how she feels about that.

- She never really closed doors on her former ex's, which I found confusing. She would often tell me about the messages she was still getting from them, and never gave me a definitive answer as to why she hadn't blocked them, if they were a bother.

- Following on from the above, she's found someone new on Tinder, and hasn't completely cut me off either, but is purposely cold.

- She would be fiercly jealous if her son wanted to spend time with me, and would wedge herself between us so he would be giving her the attention instead. Note this wasn't a trait of a mother protecting her son from a stranger, it literally was "I feel like my boy likes him more than me. I can't have that."

- You are right about zero loyalty. I picked up early on how she is highly critical of all those who obviously cared for her.

- She adamantly and consistently fought any indication of fault on her part with baseless deflection and blame.

- It was interesting you used the word "skewed" as her closest friends' described her with the same word.

- Finally, and perhaps most crucially, her historical recollections with men often were inconsistent. During the relationship I thought I had no reason to distrust her, but on reflection now, I actually think I've been played for the fool.


So yes in reality, I probably have dodged a bullet, as she had been putting heavy pressure on me to leave my children and emigrate to her country and be with her. My gut suspected that it was only a matter of time before I was discarded, and it kept me at arms length before I eventually backed away altogether. However, as I'm sure you understand, knowing the facts doesn't lessen the impact of the trauma-bond I believe I've been going through, and I'm awaiting counselling later today. I also know that she isn't the first Narcissist I'd dated, she would be number 4, which questions my belief in me trusting my own judgement.

Completely, 100% understand. Knowing it all intellectually doesn't make that hurt you are going through go away, though it is good to read you can speak with a counselor today.

p.s. I wanted to write to you too, there is a reason there are so many videos on youtube, and bookx, about narcissist abuse. Heck, I even found one "Why abuse victims binge watch narcissism youtube videos". You are certainly not alone in what you are struggling with.

Best,
xdude