How can I get her back?

Hey MrFreeze,

I think it's normal to go through a meltdown period for those who become self-aware, and start the process of making some real deep seated changes. I don't think it makes you emotionally immature, quite the opposite. It's understandable that a lot of previously avoided emotions come to the forefront.

Understood about the fear that she is going to find happiness without you, maybe, but odds are if she is not self-aware, not working on her issues, well you know we tend to repeat the same outcomes when we do the same things over and over.

Hey xdude

Thanks for all the messages, I appreciate it greatly. Once again I feel that your messages make a lot of sense, and I completely understand what you’re saying. And I think you’re right, she will, but I don’t think it will be with me. I think whatever mental image she had of me is forever replaced with a negative one, and I can’t do a thing about it. Somehow I have to figure out how to be happy without her, and I don’t know how to do that.

Hey MrFreeze,

MrFreeze wrote:I think whatever mental image she had of me is forever replaced with a negative one, and I can’t do a thing about it. Somehow I have to figure out how to be happy without her, and I don’t know how to do that.

Understood. This is a very difficult point in time for you. For whatever it's worth I gave up on my probable HPD ex because I had grown tired of trying to be what she wanted me to be*, because that was for her, but it wasn't for me. Yea, I miss her, but also I don't. Mixed feelings are hard to live with, but you'll figure out what matters more to you. Being with her, or (eventually) being whole.

The asterisk again, because I realized what she wanted me to be was a persona, a person as-seen-on-TV, someone who is not real, an appearance of strength vs real strength.

Once again your honesty is refreshing. I guess if I were to be equally as honest then I’d have to admit that the loss of this relationship hit much harder than a traditional breakup because she represented more to me than just a girlfriend. I was seduced by her life when I’d been so unhappy with the one I had. She lives 3000 miles away from me, and wrapped up in my adoration of her was also the possibility of a fresh start. New place, new people, new beginning. But like yourself, I felt that her interests were entirely self absorbed. For example, I made considerable effort in showing her son as much attention as I could, and she would often ask me to FaceTime him to read him a bed time story, but never even asked me about my own kids. It was like she saw them as a separate entity to me, and irrelevant to what she wanted.

Perhaps in the long run I will deduce that this breakup is for the best, but it is definitely leaving a scar like no other I’d had before, as the relationship was more than the sum of its parts; I lost a whole “life”. Right now it’s difficult to know what to do with myself, and I don’t know what I should do with myself next. I’m hurt, and frankly a little bitter, that she demanded so much from me, yet could drop me so easily. It’s gonna take me a long time to sift through those feelings.

Hi MrFreeze,

Some rambling thoughts from the heart -

I love and miss my ex too, and like you, I feel I may never get to experience that again, and like you I've had plenty of thoughts swirl through my head, what if she goes on to be happy with someone else, and well you know well what that is like. Like you ours was as a LDR, and so meeting her many times in a new environment had an impact on me as well.

That's not entirely true though. I love and miss the image I had of my ex. I love and miss the archetype (an idealization) she portrayed early on. Was that the real her? Not really. She was good at portraying that, but in reality, it wasn't her, it was maybe a part of her, and possibly just an early act in longer story.

And the real reality is I also acted as an idealization when we first met too. If you do have HPD as you wrote about, then you know what I mean. I became her ideal too.

Coming down from that high is hard. It's still hard. But there are two things you wrote that I think are key...

1.) First, that when you look back, you had put a great deal of effort into supporting her and her child, but that she didn't reciprocate.

2.) Second, how easily she seems to have embraced moving on.

It was the realization that for me, that relationship was deeply emotional for me, but that for her, even if she was the more expressive emotionally, her actions said something else.

At the worst of times I stopped believing her expression of emotions too, because I had become jaded, it just seemed emotions where a game, easy come, easy go, no meaning, other than I want what I want, concern with self, oblivious to others.

You appear to be someone who has deep emotions, not only deeply felt, but they inspired you to act. To show her how you feel. If that is what turned her off? Well if so man, you deserve better too.

Another thing too... I think my ex was deeply conflicted. Yes she appreciated my deep emotions for her (maybe she saw this as the dad figure, the supportive figure, etc.?), but also a part of her was driven by the AsPD archetype, emotionless, a machine, a robot go-getter. Perhaps it's the same for your ex?

However you can't be both. If she is conflicted, you cannot both be loving supporter and AsPD I-don't-care. That conflict if present is hers to resolve.

On the note of image, one of the aspects of the relationship which always threw me was that when she was calm or happy, she was a highly intelligent and intuitive woman, but when she was mad I felt like I was talking to a 9-year-old. Sometimes it was difficult for me to see these as one person, and often I was left not knowing which was her true self. The petulant one pushed me away, whereas the other side was magnetic. I struggled with that.

I think she had an image of me as being stronger than I really am, and I guess when that image wore off, so did the appeal. I still find it incredibly difficult to swallow that she loved me when she could jump into bed with someone else so quickly, but some might say that this was just her way of coping, and just because I don’t understand it, doesn’t mean it invalidated her feelings for me. I am realising that I had a lot more expectations of her than perhaps I should have, and I didn’t realise that. It’s hard for me to accept that not everybody lives by the moral code I do, and that’s my problem. When I look back over our history (past texts etc.,) I can see that there were many times I could have handled things differently, I expected her to see my side of things, believing I was right. On top of that, at the time I was incapable of seeing any other viewpoint, which leads me to wonder why, in the moment, I can’t see anything other than how I feel right there and then. I spent so long standing my ground that I wasted moments that could have been treasured instead. I feel ashamed, embarrassed and remorseful today. Something in seeing “childish behaviour” was a trigger for me to put up walls around me, and now her memories of me won’t be of the good times, but of the friction, which sucks.

I am really up against it with this one. I spent so much time trying to nurture her that I never stopped to think about my own failings. She’s 3500 miles away from me, not on each other’s social media and no longer share mutual friends. She’s not “preventing” me from talking to her but is also not open to a dialogue either. I don’t know if she wanted a father figure, but certainly someone self assured, who wouldn’t go off the deep end at rejection like I did. She doesn’t reach out, I don’t hear from her ... I feel indifferent to her.

You know the more I think about it (which is perhaps too much), the more I realised I did everything I could and it was never going to be enough. I now walk away feeling both defeated, bitter and bewildered by the whole thing. I was ready to pull the plug 6 months ago, I should have gone with that and perhaps I wouldn't be feeling like this now. It's my own stupid fault.

What did I learn? Listen to your bloody gut people, it's there for a reason.

MrFreeze wrote:You know the more I think about it (which is perhaps too much), the more I realised I did everything I could and it was never going to be enough.

This seems like a healthy realization to me.

Ironically I had started to write a reply a couple of days to go about just this, then deleted before submitting. I just couldn't come up with a way to write it that felt right, but I was hoping you'd eventually have seen this truth anyway. Once it sinks in more deeply, hopefully it will be a little easier for you.

It is amazing how we can ignore our own intuition, but it happens. I think it's that people with certain personality disorders can initially present as archetypes, ideals, and that wakens strong primal emotions. We then ignore so much because the ideal is so compelling.

I do think you've seen a truth. It really would not have mattered what you did either way. See even if you had avoided x, y, z reason why, some people are not looking for happy mutual relationship. It's not even specific to HPD, but some people are looking for someone to control, to fulfill a never ending list of wants, to relive drama, or even if everything is going well, then boredom sets in, and so they'll sabotage the relationship anyway.

Be kind to yourself. It's still going to hurt for a while.

Thank you xdude.

I'm at a point in my life right now where I don't know what to do with it, and I know a lot of that is down to depression. They say to take up new hobbies, or go to the gym or whatever, but it all feels like my life is on a treadmill and I'm just not going anywhere. "Spinning my wheels" is another expression that fits. I've tried exercising, exhausted Netflix and now I'm sick of it, sent off more CV's than I could count. Ultimately I wish I could stop hoping I randomly get a text that says "I'm sorry" and we make up, but I know is never going to come. So in the meantime I can't help but think that I'm 40 years old and have absolutely no idea what to do with my life now.

Hey MrFreeze,

You had written in your original post that you both may be HPD types.

It's revealing to read the NPD forum here, and what happens when two people with NPD form a relationship. Also revealing to read what happens when people with BPD and NPD form relationships. Keep in mind these are just my opinions, what I see, and from my own experience...

What I see is as these relationships progress, the conflict of egos, self-esteem issues bubble up. What is hard is that these types can have such intensely emotional relationships early on, like finding a kindred soul (metaphorically speaking), but eventually the ego fights bubble to the surface.

HPD is considered to be different than NPD or BPD, but there are some overlaps. In the end the same struggles arise. Someone 'wins' the ego battles, and someone 'loses'.

In my case my HPD ex won, and me, the NPD/BPD type lost, but did I? Did you? The thing is it has also resulted in a lot of self-reflection, something I might have never done otherwise, and she still hasn't done.