I am very much attached to a young HPD girl I haven't seen for 5 years and don't have normal contact with (45-80% HPD Traits, 20-40% BPD Traits, 15-35% NPD Traits). Even though she has very high HPD-type interactions with me (including all types of attempts to pathologically transform any form of normal human interaction and communication with me into "status" / validation / attention) I believe she holds a high esteem of me and seems to have had a high preference for my attention since I met her (like a fixation, though the fixation was mutual and I realize now was much bigger / deeper, more sincere, and more intertwined with unconditional affection on my side than it was on hers).
My situation with her is extremely complicated for a million different reasons but I've sworn to myself a long time ago I would never abandon her. One thing I worry about is one of her friends. She has 3 close female friends: One I like a lot and seems quite balanced (with some BPD traits thrown in), one I know little about and can read little into (other than she might be attracted to girls and she seems to have distanced herself following emotional draining), and the third, more recent, friend appears to me as high AsPD (perhaps with a touch of NPD). I'm several years older than the HPD girl and I've known a few people with AsPD type traits in my life but this one definitely is a rare one and worries me for some reason (she seems almost not human to me).
I think that before meeting me (and still thereafter perhaps), my HPD was always primarily seeking validation from her older sister (who also has HPD traits, with quite an NPD tendency, and a slight touch of AsPD, but not anything evil). As she distanced herself a bit of her sister in the last few years, she seems to have done something I've seen my little brother doing: Fleeing someone toxic (my father in the case of my little brother) to become best friends with someone harboring very similar traits (maybe to subconsciously pathologically return to the "safety" of the abused kind of position she had been into all her life). The only problem is that though her sister did have similar traits on the surface, and though her sister did manipulate her for whatever ends aligned with her very own feelings (greatest social & manipulation genius I've ever met), and though her older sister was jealous of her, (A) I think that deep inside her older sister truly loved her in her own limited HPD way, and wouldn't want to hurt her in situations in which her own feelings were not involved, (B) She might mistakenly have subconsciously felt her AsPD friend was the same as her sister, but that is not the case. Though her bigger sister betrayed me as a friend, manipulated me against my own interest and the interest of her little sister who I had a lot of affection for (betraying two people loving her, for her own ego), and did create a tremendous amount of harm, I'm quite certain that she was not a fundamentally bad person, her manipulations were quite overt in a way, and she certainly was not out to be evil for no reason. She did have the charms of an HPD in a less "innocent" manner than her little sister does, but there is definitely humanity in her. Her AsPD friend on the other hand does not seem to put too much effort in pretending to be charming, and her manipulations, which I can hardly see, seem to be entirely covert.
Now the big problem I have is that:
> Though her AsPD friend has little I admire (as she doesn't display anything that I value), the HPD girl I like surprisingly seems to have admiration for her (because she's like the sister she admired, because she has NPD traits which seem "cool" to her, and because she a Model), and this gives her a tremendous capacity to influence the girl I like
> She is extremely easy to influence and manipulate (from the words of her own sister)
> She has a lot for herself that constitute great ground for covert jealousy from another girl: She is definitely more beautiful than her model friend, she comes from a somewhat well off environment, and there's her story with me, which, though it's a bit weird, I think any girl would envy.
I do believe that her Model friend never was a sincere friend (and is incapable of a sincere friendship at all) and that she found in the girl I like characteristics of a very useful tool, and I do believe that for the aforementioned reason this model friend has strong reasons to need to covertly influence her to "destroy" some of the beauty in her life (so that this model can feel better with herself). I feel that this "friend" will only be able to feel good once having reached the point knowing that my HPD's life is as sad, void of empathy and empty as her own life. There definitely is something in my HPD that appeals to that kind of lifestyle (you don't get hurt as much when you are hurting others), so it's not a purely one sided problem, but my HPD is defenseless vs this girl in the sense that I believe she is not capable of discerning her manipulations nor the capacity to have the sensitivity (and non-disordered thinking capability) to detect that what she is influenced to do is destroying the most valuable and true things in her life (especially if she is feeling hurt).
Now last and worst element: While I know that the girl I am attached to is capable of deep empathy in normal circumstances, when she is not under pressure / stress / sleep deprivation / alcohol or hurt (she can be hurt by the slightest comment, even when it is in no way intended as criticism), and that this empathy to some extent guards against her doing "bad things", by letting myself being pushed away by her attitude, I have let her introduce into the mix the pain that I resorted to break my word to her for the first time in my life and started dating another girl (I know it is in no way my fault and she is entirely to blame herself, or at least the HPD part of her brain, because I did this as it had seemed to me that I was "enabling" a bad side of her by staying in her life and I didn't know about HPD, so I thought that by not following my word, which I normally never do, and by moving away from her, I would help her go back to being the great girl I had always seen in her, and she would attract better people and be happer like that).
I never told her that I started dating another girl, but I know she knows it via our families, and I know it hurt her, and I know that cuts away the "empathy" part of her, and leaves her highly vulnerable to bad influence. She usually does not drink, and does not go out except on very few occasions, and after a few months of not hearing from me, but before she learned I had a girlfriend, I had for the first time seen her change in a very surprisingly healthy direction (involved in a healthy organization for her city without attending the parties organized by that organization despite several witnessed attempts from guys to have her go, involved herself in a sailing club, and developed interest in and interactions with people she formerly had no interest for, i.e. more "real" people with more deep and less superficial value). Now however, she posted pictures of her in a night-club, and at parties with her AsPD friend which I am certain has tried (perhaps successfully) to influence her to have sex with another man.
Now I am left to wonder how in the world I could try to help her not let this friend (and perhaps also her sister) influence her to destroy the beautiful things in her life.
> Telling her would not help, as (1) she does not communicate with me like a normal person, (2) In her mind I hurt her and she will not be open to me, (3) I have the feeling that the last person to talk to her would be the one to determine her mindset, and her AsPD "friend" who has normal contact with her would definitely have the last word, (4) I have never intended to manipulate people in my life, and as a result I am not trained, or skilled in it, and even given fair conditions, which I clearly don't have here, I don't believe I could in any way outdo her AsPD "friend".
> I could try to explain it to her BPD friend who has intermittent direct contact both with her and with the AsPD friend, but (1) I think thought she looks like a very nice person, this friend might be even more prone to manipulation than even I am, and certainly is already manipulated at least in small ways both by my HPD and by the AsPD girl already, (2) I think this friend is very loyal and I don't think I could say a word to her without the girl I like, and then probably the AsPD girl too, knowing about it.
> Explaining to her family wouldn't help: As I had developed a lot of affection for this girl, the affection boiled over onto anything linked with her, and so I "fell in love" with her dad and mum as I met them, but though I have affection for them, and for her sister despite the pain and destruction of her course of actions, I am unsure that a single member of her family might be able to put her feelings before their own, or even be able to truly take care of another person than themselves (plus there might be a high conflict of interest level between me and her dad?/mum?/sister).
> The only thing I could see helping the situation, would be to overtly tell her about my girlfriend, and tell her why, and try to have a normal contact with her (but so far I haven't found the perfect way to do that without her being hurt, seeking attention from other guys in deeper ways than usual, and without her HPD traits resulting in blame shifting behavior, her painting me black and being even more subject to her friend's manipulations)
If anyone has any idea what I could do which might help to prevent any destructive influence / manipulation of this girl on her and prevent her life taking a direction which will lead to her long term pain and sadness, I'd appreciate.