More intimate than they really are?

"HPDIs tend to believe relationships are more intimate than they really are."

I'm not sure I understand this correctly. To me it seems to say that HPDIs are more beautiful - albeit less realistic - dreamers than their partner. Would anyone clarify for me?

To me it seems that this is related to having an imaginary ideal for what our perfect love of the other sex is like (that does not match reality because of internal logical conflicts in the fabricated imaginary image, and due to limits in our own capacity for reasoning and for imagination), and projecting it on a real person because of some overlap (mainly on the basis of superficial traits) accompanied by obfuscation of less superficial traits in the REAL person ("Mystery"). But I do see this as a very beautiful thing, in which the HDPI, if I understand it correctly, would be more of a beautiful dreamer than their usual partner. And if any harm, I'd see it only in a partner abruptly waking up the HDPI on that point (akin of the shock of waking up someone sleep-walking). I think it's very beautiful to dream and not harmful in any way as long as we let our dreams have the flexibility to espouse reality (which is even more beautiful as - rather than our dream and reality remaining two distinct things that are just poised to conflict with each other - it affords the opportunity for dream and reality to become one unified idea which exists in both the imaginary world and in the real world at the very same time).

In my sense the most ideal way to fall in love is a cross-talk between the dream and reality whereby the dream would absorb any desirable element of reality it had previously not included, abandon portions of itself for corresponding portions of reality that actually surpass the dream, concede to exclude from itself unrealistic portions in light of reality (such as mutually exclusive traits), and perhaps compromise with reality or even absorbing imperfections of reality into itself to uniquely correspond to the single real person that mostly corresponds to the consolidated dream in the real world. This capacity for the dream to morph and evolve to grow with time in both beauty and in fitness to reality to me is the essence of real love, a reality for which we can concede on the basis that it exceeds our pre-existing capacity for creativity and logics.

So perhaps the anomaly shouldn't be noted as "HPDIs tend to believe relationships are more intimate than they really are.", but if any, to a potential impaired capacity to make the dream debate with reality and espouse reality over time. Does such such an impairment exist in HPDIs?

Hey VeritasCE,

My understanding of what was meant by that criteria is that some people with HPD confuse their own perception of a relationship with what they want to see in some others. So for example, meeting a new acquaintance, and confusing that with a deep (meaningful) friendship/connection. While one person is thinking something along the lines of be polite, friendly, normal social stuff some engage in around new acquaintances, someone with HPD may read into that deeper meaning.

From my own experience, that criteria makes sense. Various things can trigger the belief the relationship is more intimate than it really is, such as normal social flirting, a compliment, the person's social status in life, or even just their appearance (i.e., confusion of sexual attraction with deeper meaning).

The criteria may be intertwined with other criteria, such as being easily influenced by others or circumstances; the tendency for some with HPD to use impressionistic/dramatic speech, and likewise influenced by the same in others.

For me this was definitely with meeting friends. I would go to a party and chat to someone for half an hour and then call them my friend after that. I never showed any of the hollywood style extreme histrionic $#%^ of asking someone to be my Facebook friend after a half hour conversation but i would seem to think that i had a meaningful or reliable relationship with them. I think this was also connected to the idea that i was special. One thing i will note is that when i go out i do meet a lot of people and have absurd experiences of getting invited places others don't so this probably played into the special idea.. This obviously could have been because of the sexual energy i was probably giving off. Another thing is that randoms do invite me out all the time but that's because i'm fun and have a good time (not a crazy time) so there would also be this element playing into the belief.

I don't believe i have ever done this with a partner. It has been the opposite that i am slower to move in with feelings because of my fear of getting hurt. boyfriend made first move, then let's date, then i love you, then lets be boyfriend/girlfriend first. I responded to him in terms of actions or words.

The one thing i will say about relationships is that i used to fantasise or daydream ALL THE TIME (this can be reduced through awareness and neuroplasticity) and this can lead to having delusional ideas about a person. For example, boyfriend and i would be going away for the weekend and i fantasise about him doing some hugely romantic gesture and me being so in love with him. Then i would ACTUALLY FEEL so in love with boyfriend but these feelings hadn't come from reality and they were false. The funny things about these feelings is they are ego feelings and after some extreme awareness and self study, a person can recognise that it is a false high. For me, the vibrations of my body are a lot higher, there is an element of stress and anxiety feel to it but at the same time an excitement but when you focus on it intently it is a negative happiness. It is a sick happiness. And it is short-lived and fake. So the problem would be that a histrionic could have ego fake love for his/her partner if they were imagining #######4 situations with their partner all the time.

Am i explaining this properly? I've never really spoken to anyone about this specifically. It's just something i explored in myself.

Hi there,

For me this is a big problem. I am 100% sure that this means you think that another person points you out when they are just being polite in reality. For example, I now feel attached to a male and I thought he had signalized me about his sympathy by eye contact, tricky gazes, saying that I am so clever, etc. But then, the next time I came when he was having some minor troubles and to my deepest fear I felt NOTHING if not being annoyed at me from him. Tomorrow I will see him again and I am so scared every time, I don't know what to expect and if I have created his sympathy in my mind. Or maybe he was really thinking about his problems and it had nothing to do with me. I don't know how to deal with this situation. What would you suggest?

My SO has HPD...she will often describe acquaintances or even people she has only met once as very good friends.

sgtdog31 wrote:My SO has HPD...she will often describe acquaintances or even people she has only met once as very good friends.

It's the nature of this disorder, and sometimes happens to people with NPD. There is an ego boost that goes along with believing others think I am special, that his relationship is special, and because the disorder is about correcting for damaged self-esteem, believing such can feel good (at least temporarily, until the idealized person is devalued).

This is true for me, and I wouldn't even mention relationships. I tend to believe that I am highly valued by someone who doesn't give a stinking wit about me or doesn't know me at all. We might have met just once or never, but still somehow I've made up my mind to idealize them.

As I stated, I can idealize people that I've not met in person. It doesn't happen very often, but when it does, I usually aim at copying their style and stealing their ideas, lines or jokes as my own. Social media is a powerful tool for stealing its users' personality traits. I know it sucks but after all I need to fuel myself.

So, in my case, I think this "being more intimate than they really are" thing is about idealization. If I come across a cool guy, I will idealize him no matter what, and when I idealize him I feel like I know him better than he knows himself. I love to idealize narcs and sociopaths more than anyone. They seem to know how to entertain a vivacious histrionic like me.

Being HPD’d can indeed make one believe relationships are more intimate. Especially when lovebombing occurs. HPD women do tend to be very physically beautiful (high estrogen) and are more likely to be approached by men who use lovebombing to attach (NPD/ASPD). These relationships have a high probability of not being intimate (discard cycle). This can be very injuring to a H. Also, many have superficial connections and can cause confusion. - sephe (HPD Dx, ASPD trait).