Hey,
When my boyfriend say something that i feel makes me invalidated, i do this thing which i called a blow out which can be identified as me 1. losing control of my behaviour and feelings 2. extreme feelings 3. urge to self harm or suicide 4. tell boyfriend i am feeling suicidal or want to self harm 5. suggest to boyfriend that the bottle shop man is better than him 6. body vibrations on extreme high and feel extremely stressed 7. sudden urge to drink/drug/chain smoke 8. yell at boyfriend 9. run away from house with stuffed animal.
After this happened for an hour today, i smoked 5 puffs of weed then calmed down and became aware that it had happened then had to identify the trigger which was feeling invalidated. It was very embarrassing and scary to be out of control like that.
What are things that i can do to either recognise it earlier or what a methods people have used to control themselves during a blow out? Boyfriend and i have agreed that he is going to tell me i'm being histrionic when it's happening but we are obviously unsure how this would go. I love boyfriend very much and have changed so much of myself with his help so i am hoping my true self will shine through and respond to him positively.
What's other advice though?
And what is the history behind the self validation? What from childhood? Is this also connected to the procrastination, talking about self ( i did do this for attention, i did it because i was constantly looking for someone to tell me i'm on the right path with recovery and i'm doing it now with you guys), self doubt? What about the core histrionic issue of don't trust self? How is it all connected?
Also, boyfriend is very science based and is an atheist. When i am trying to explain to him things about my ego defences or meditation or things from my childhood and what could have caused this, he wants evidence on everything. He says 'where is the proof there is an ego' and thinks i'm talking #######4. My psychologist keeps saying she'll give me some links to good stuff but never does.
What are possible responses to him telling me there is no such thing as ego?
-- Wed Apr 25, 2018 7:21 pm --
And if you know anything about it, i want to know how the 'nutty professor' ego defence my psych is telling me about usually develops in histrionic women. I am struggling to see how this one fully manifests in me?