Married to HPD for 23 years

My wife and I have been married for 23 years. Just recently I found out she was HPD.

I met my wife at my best friends wedding 25 years ago. She was 19 and I was 27. I was the best man and her brother stood up with me. My best friend lived in San Antonio Texas at the time and I lived in Michigan so I flew out there to be in the wedding. At the wedding reception I was introduced to her and having had a couple drinks, couldn't help but to flirt with the pretty girl I was introduced to. Later that night she got rid of her date and pursued me... aggressively. I still remember the first kiss and how sweet and seductive it was. I spent the rest of the week with her. She was very charismatic and fun and I loved that about her. I was more of a quiet reserved kind of guy and her kind of personality is something I really needed. I can imagine if I had married somebody more like me that we would just never talk! This girl was fun, sexy and very passionate. After I went home to Michigan we decided we would keep in touch. We talked on the phone just about every night and I flew out to see her for a weekend a couple months later and she came to see me once after that. After about 6 months we decided it would be a good idea for her to just move to Michigan with me instead of having a long distance relationship. I bought a one-way airline ticket to San Antonio and we drove her car back to Michigan.

At the time that she moved in I was already living in a townhouse that I shared with two other people, a friend and my nephew. We lived in this townhouse together with my friend and nephew for about a year before we decided to get married. Before we were married I had no knowledge of any indiscretions that occurred.

After we were married we still had to live in that townhouse with my roommate and nephew for about 6 months before we could afford to move out. Although we were married in December we couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon until May. It was at this time, between the wedding and the honeymoon that I first discovered my wife was fooling around. She worked as a bartender at a local restaurant and she was having a fling with somebody who came in to the bar. I remember the devastation when I first found out. I was very close to leaving but she swore it was a mistake and begged me to stay. I of course... stayed.

A few months after this my sister called me. She told me that my nephew had told her that my roommate and my wife were screwing around while I was at work. I confronted both my roommate and my wife about this and both of them denied it. Of course.... I took their word for it.

Now my sister and my wife were very similar people except for the fact the my sister was off and on addicted to drugs. She even spent some time in prison for her illegal drug use. Looking back I'm pretty sure that my sister was also HPD. She and my wife never got along and it was almost as if they competed with each other when in the same room. I stopped talking to my sister after this, but it was more about her ongoing drug addiction than because of her conflict with my wife. My sister had borrowed thousands of dollars from me over the years and never paid me back. It did hurt me to cut contact as we were close when we were younger but I couldn't afford to keep bailing her out of trouble anymore.

My wife and I later moved into a house together and decided to have children. We had three kids, each three years apart. The first 2 are girls and the youngest is a boy.

During these years that we raised children my wife never strayed. She was completely focused on raising those kids. She was a very good mother and a good wife. Our sex life has always been fun and exciting. It wasn't until relatively recently that her HPD came back again with a vengeance.

About 8 months ago 23 years after we were married. I was suspicious that something was going on with my wife. She seemed distant for a few months and our sex life wasn't what it used to be. I decided to snoop in her cell phone and I found some very incriminating text messages. It turns out that the guy she first had an affair with before we were married contacted her on Facebook and they had been having an affair for about a year. A couple days later I found a separate message from somebody else that she was sleeping with. This other person is actually my wife's best friends brother-in-law who is married himself. So she was actually cheating on her cheater with her best friends brother-in-law.

After this I did a lot of research online about different types of affairs and their causes. It became very apparent that my wife fell into the category of "serial cheater." Upon discovering this I confronted my wife with a question, "Were you ever raped or sexually assaulted when you were a child?"
This moment was sort of a break through for us. Not only was she violently raped when she was 13 years old she had kept it a secret for 30 years. Things started to make some sense after that. At least I knew that the affair wasn't a "love affair" but one of a mental illness. I think knowing that does lessen the sting if that makes any sense.

The next few months my wife and I worked on intimacy. We would text back and forth while at work just so that we could keep our connection going. She had very little time to have indiscretions because we were together just about every moment except for when we were at work.
We talked more than we ever had and even established a date night so that we could keep connected. This seemed to be working well.

A couple months ago I found out that my wife had re-lapsed. The asshat that contacted her on Facebook, the same one who she first had the affair with 23 years ago contacted her again via email. I snooped into her phone again and found a gmail account with incriminating messages on it. Not only did she start back up with this asshat she started getting together with her best friends brother-in-law again.

Well, I think that I may have put a stop to these two clowns. We talked to asshat #1 and he agreed to not contact her ever again. I am cautiously optimistic about that. As far as the best friends brother-in-law, I threatened to spill the beans to his wife if he contacted my wife ever again. He sounded very frightened and sincere when he agreed to no contact.

My wife and I had a long talk about the 25 years we've been together. She fessed up to the indiscretions with my roommate years ago and even offered more information. She told me about other people she flirted with over the past year that I had no idea about. She told me about men who she flirted with via text also.

Since this latest ordeal my wife claims that she has had an epiphany. She wants very much to never do this again. She claims to be very empathetic and looks to be so. She has been going to church regularly now and says that this helps give her strength. She has also agreed to go to therapy which is where she was diagnosed. Therapy seems to be helping too but it's only been a month. I think she may need therapy for the rest of her life and she is willing to go. I think the key for her is that she knows she is HPD and wants and needs help.

Well, this is my story. I may have left out some details as it has been a long time to try and remember everything. If anyone has any questions about anything that may have been left out please ask. 23 years with someone with HPD has been very tumultuous to say the least and now I'm 52 years old and my wife is a beautiful 44. The thing is I love her very much and I can't imagine being without her. She really is trying but she's human. I want so much to believe that this won't happen anymore but I don't think I can ever let my guard down. I don't think she can help it.

As for our 3 children, Our oldest is 20 years old. She has a full ride scholarship at a local University as a music major. She is incredible on the piano. Our second oldest daughter is a senior in high school and plans to go to [university] in the fall. Our youngest is a good kid too. He has issues being ADHD and we have to deal with that. That's a whole other story.

I would love to hear any advice from others with this issue. I thought I would put a feeler out on here first before I invite my wife to join. If anyone has advice for her I will pass that on as well.

Hi,

I'm 29. A girl 8 years younger I have believed to be the love of my life seems to have HPD. We have never been dating. It's a long story but I met her when she was 14.5, and I've always seen myself marrying her and having a family with her and living the rest of my life with her (before knowing she might have HPD).

Now I know and I am learning about it. I don't want to abandon her and if I can I want to help her to repair herself and do just what I always thought was meant to be. I know it must come from her and I'm not quite there yet, but I'm still assessing if it is doable and how to.

May I ask, if you had the ability to go back to you when you guys started dating, what advice would you give yourself to make it work (in the most ideal way)? This is a simple question but the answer might save two lives, and allow a very beautiful story to continue being lived.

VeritasCE that is the sweetest thing!!

I am an aware histrionic but i am not longer HPD. I have changed my behaviour so far that i have slid the other way on the spectrum. Life is so much better, i am happy and i am finally free. If you have any questions I am happy to answer them to the best of my ability.

So sweet of you to be so kind to a girl who will be hurting so bad.

histrionicsgetlit, How did you decide to seek help to change? Or if you didn't seek help, how did you become aware? I've been with my wife for 20 years and finally found out the truth that she is definitely HPD. It's gotten so bad with the flirting with other men and how she treats me and my children that I basically have a foot out the door. She really believes that everything wrong is with me. I'm not say I don't have my own issues, but I have been completely faithful...it's just so hard dealing with all the double standards. She has shut out all of our friends and both sides of our families. I tried to go to marriage counseling with her and she refuses saying that if I want to go it is because of my own issues. All of our friends and family know the truth about her as well. So basically when I leave she's going to have to start from scratch. I know most of her own family want nothing to do with her unless she gets help, and she has burnt bridges with everyone in our social groups. I was thinking of basically doing an intervention to either tell her she gets help, or her entire family and myself will go no-contact forever. And we are all on the same page with it because at this point there is nothing to lose. Really, her self-destructiveness has a bigger toll on the kids than with me. I'd just like to know what your thoughts on this are...or anyone elses'.