What are your thoughts?

Hello.

First of all I lie all the time. I have been lying all my life since my childhood. I lie to my self and to others. It varies from where I'm from, who I am, who my parents are, who I am, what I like, what I do etc. I don't know who I am and who the F is inside of me. Feels like I have an never ending drama play inside of my head. My life is a play and I'm the main actor. I am literally a sponge. I suck all the details and information I see. Be it from movies, other people or just real life situations. I copy impressions, words, anything that to me seems to work so that I could use them to charm or give a certain image of myself. Peoples profiles save automatically to me. I can hang out with someone and I become them. At least it feels so. I fantasize 24/7. In my head I'm always the most desired, powerfull and handsome person there can be. And not only those qualities/traits anything I seem to like. I can spend and I do most of my time in my head. The thoughts are so "amazing" that I get carried away easily. I want to be constantly admired by others. I love when I know that there is a person who is now so hurt over my rejection that they can't find their place on this earth. I'm aware of my good looks and I love to check myself on the mirror. I say stupid $#%^ like "wow damn I'm good looking. If someone was created to resemble gods image it's me". At the same time I'm also quit insecure of my looks. Urghh. I flirt all the time. I can't controll it. I'm very sensitive and can't take criticism at all I suppose. I get uncomfortable if I'm not getting attention or If I feel like that people do not appreacite my looks, personality etc. I want to be respected and maybe even feared. The thing is that I can't trust my self I don't even know when I'm lying or not.

For me it is difficult to try to relate or understand something if it doesn't have to do with me. But isn't that normal? It's stupid because I expect people to help me but find it difficult to be there for others. For instance like on these kind of support subs. I want help but don't have the power and strenght of an positive person to help others and it amazes me how others can? Like why would you? How do you have the power? I'm not sure though is this just because I'm having a moderate deppression currently. I am a weak fool.

As a kid I would project my own #######4 onto others. Or claim that they have done something or that they had something which was totally not true. My lies were really stupid and no wonder nobody liked me. Also I have always had this sense/belief that I have a good luck and I will get what I want. Not anymore though.

I don't know do I actually feel specific way or is this just one of my millions of roles. Like do I actually feel this way or do I lie to myself because I love drama. It's hard to explain it's that F'd up. I don't understand my emotions. I lack empathy towards myself. I'm very impulsive. It's very hard to me to take interest in other peoples interests. I do not like most things that are not of my creation. When I was a kid I would deliberarely create "chaos". Lying to others that someone has talked behind their back etc. Just to get attention/novelty I guess. I was somewhat violent. I feel like I'm special in some cosmic way. That I'm the chosen one. I'm not sure If I can ever love myself or anyone else. I don't have a self. I have a theater and never ending plays. I'm very paranoid also I guess.

I don't like to study even subjects of my own interest because I don't like to be taught and, I feel like I already know everything, and I do not have the patience to listen to others opinions and worry that I have to constantly be right.

I discard my jobs and "friends" fast because I feel like they are not giving me enough attention/respect or consider me as a clown. Therefore I have failed to be who I want them to think I am and so I leave. Never ending cycle.

It's so strange. I can't be happy for others or myself and don't understand how is it even possible. I only feel satisfaction and stimuli or neutral/negative emotions maybe some positive. And yes I'm very sarcastic and have tried to "put off " people for drama. I guess I'm self-centered but I do believe that I'm a person with good intentions. I do get emotional when I see cruelty. I would want to believe in good of others. I know I'm good despite all the #######4.

This is all very stupid and I'm aware of it. I hate myself for this. But still even though I'm aware that I'm aware I still feel like im unware. If that makes sense?

Hi Slowdownthepace,

Keeping in mind, this is just a personal opinion...

I think you definitely wrote from the heart there, and the HPD mind.

There was much that you wrote that has potential to be discussed, but question -

I also couldn't tell from what you posted, was there any area where you are cool with some difficult questions?

xdude wrote:Hi Slowdownthepace,

Keeping in mind, this is just a personal opinion...

I think you definitely wrote from the heart there, and the HPD mind.

There was much that you wrote that has potential to be discussed, but question -

I also couldn't tell from what you posted, was there any area where you are cool with some difficult questions?

Thank you for your reply.

Could you give examples of what could be questioned and why? Do you mean that are there any aspects which I don't mind and perhaps even like? Or that can I answer questions regarding certain area? If so then yeah of course.

Hey Slowdownthepace,

You wrote a lot, and it was impressive how much insight you have into yourself. Just it was unclear to me if you had any questions seeking feedback, or are at a point where you just need support (nothing wrong with that).