Was he HPD? Narcissistic? Or am I ######6 crazy?Please help.

Hi everybody. I've been reading these forums for years but never actually posted. I'm 31-year-old gay male. Back when I was 22, I went through a horrible relationship/break-up with a guy who cheated and abused drugs. His drug counselor told me he showed signs of Borderline Personality, but regardless, he was one of the truly off-balanced and cruel people I've ever met.

After him, I dated a guy who was a Narcissist. No doubt. At that point, I had become sort of tuned into the criteria and behavioral red flags, and while they are always hard to see at first, It became clearer and clearer.

I grew up with a mother who was wonderful thoughtful, and caring half the time, and a verbally abusive alcoholic the other half. She also shows strong narcissistic traits quite often, and I believe I am hopelessly codependent, low self-esteem, and have been diagnosed as OCD when I was a little boy.

So It makes sense to me in a way why I'm attracted to personality disordered people.

My most recent break-up is what brings me here as I'm about a week into him leaving and I'm so confused. I need to talk to somebody about what happened in hopes of understanding this better.

My boyfriend and I, were together for 4-and-a-half years. He's a few years younger, an actor in LA, he models professionally doing print ads and stuff. He can be very sweet, charming, and innocent, almost like a little boy, and so can I, so we connected on that and even speak like little kids with silly, almost babyish voices.

Some red flags I began to notice:
I told him about my past with a drug addict and was honest that I couldn't go through that again. I said if he was going to use drugs, especially cocaine, that would be crossing my boundaries. I was very clear about that. A couple of weeks later, he had a birthday party, and did some coke with his cousin. I didn't find out for months later when he told me in this cold, defiant way during a fight, but he trampled my boundary and I was furious and scared that I was repeating another bad relationship.

But he apologized, crying, and I took him back. I want to be clear that his everyday behavior seems very stable — loving and doting, like a caretaker. Always asking about me, and wanting to know how I was.

Because I grew up in a yelling house, it's sort of hardwired in me, and I yell when I am pushed in an argument. But I never ever yell in any other situation. I am otherwise a calm and reasonable guy.But if I find out someone is lying and I am frustrated and at the end of my rope, I shout and yell. All of my exes have said I'm verbally abusive, I've gone to therapy for It, but it's hard for me to understand what I am when the sources of the criticism are all personality disordered.

My boyfriend loved to dress in fun, sometimes outrageous outfits so everyone would notice him. Sometimes he'd say things like, "I can't wear that tonight, I was already photographed in that jacket." And that made him seem superficial, but of course, he was so nice and caring, It didn't click with me. He is super active on social media, constantly posting videos of himself doing impressions. He's a voice actor and very talented, so he's always mimicking people.

He considers his high school friends his family. His old neighbors he grew up by are his "aunts." Everyone is like a part of his big extended family. Even when It sometimes seems like they don't want him to be, he considers himself a part of their family. Which again makes him sound bad but I can't tell if I'm even remembering this correctly because I've been made to feel so crazy.

He did some negative attention seeking. I travel a lot for work and he would have panic attacks and end up in the hospital. He would then post pictures of himself in the hospital on social media. He would do these (what I believed to be) fake "fainting" spells where he's stand up too quickly and get a head rush.

He would have occasional flare-ups of depression. And there was little to NO accountability for anything ever did. It was always, always me. Literally anything wearied about would become about the fact that I yelled.

I don't believe he ever cheated on me. That's just the vibe I get but I have no proof either way. Our sex life was really good, I thought, and even kinda kinky and fun, even up until the last weekend. After four years, I was happy with how intense It still was. Even when we were apart, we'd have phone sex and stuff.

His mother is very delusional in her own way, a wannabe screenwriter who's going to sell her script to Brad Pitt. His sister is a diagnosed bipolar, dad is a sociopath I'm pretty sure. So, in fits of anger, during fights, sometimes I'd yell about how crazy they were and he used this to say I was abusive for talking badly about his family. But I felt abused having been around his family.

He always dressed well, and cameo as being wealthy, even though he isn't. He has GREAT regard for wealthy people. That's not to say he's cruel to poor people or anything, he just loved royal families, and many, many of his friend are very rich or on the verge of being famous.

He would be unemployed for months at a time, selling his jewelry or Adderrall to pay rent. Then he moved in with me and promised me he would pay and didn't. This parasitic behavior was a red flag. Eventually h got a retail job and kept It for a year and a half. There was a robbery at the retail store and he was tangentially involved (I don't know how much because his stories are always so exaggerated.) He quit, claimed he suffered PTSD, and collected disability for months. We went to Europe and he went back to school, so he's been technically unemployed for the last 18-months (but he is in school.)

He has exaggerated stories to make me seem crazy. He twists things so it's always me. Occasionally, he'll have these bursts of soulfulness and genuine remorse where he'll come to me and apologize and actually fight for our relationship. In those moments, he seems lovely and genuine. But he's also lied to family about me abusing him and once I even had police in my living room questioning me.

Having said all this, I thought the last two years of our relationship had improved and were very, very happy. The other day, after what I thought was a petty argument where I raised my voice, he left, ended
the relationship, blocked me from everything, and won't even talk to me. After so much crying and begging and confusion, he wrote me an email explaining he can't do the cycle of abuse anymore but he loves me, I'm his soul mate, etc.

I have started to wonder if I'm bi-polar or crazy myself. I'm certainly not perfect, and am terribly codependent. I take break-ups so, so hard. I'm hoping someone could help me figure out if he sounds histrionic or worse, or ifI sound like the crazy one?I am in therapy, working on myself. Anybody have an opinion.

(Sorry for the long post. Just in a lot of pain.)