Curing Histrionic through choice, love, spirituality

I had an epiphany 5 months ago and realised that i was histrionic. I spent three days in bed horrified by my behaviour then took an oath to choose to be a better person. I went about an awakened path of having at first about 500 realisations a day about my behaviour, the way i held my body, the way my voice changed so forth. This progressed to me starting to explore some more of my base morals that i had been denying and a committed to 95% honesty with people and 100% honesty with a few close people then obviously 100% honesty with myself.

During the four months i found
self love
self worth
forgiveness
clarity
grounding and connectedness with the world
responsibility
forcing myself always into adult mode

i have found love. not just 'in love' but a very real strong and healthy love with a new man and i am engaging in normal sex even though i just worked out that i have been sexually repressing myself. This is because i was in too much of a child mode brain to be able to take sex and sex stuff seriously. I have come up with a few ways to deal with that thought.

I've had to address the ###$ up transference issues that happened onto my prior male psychologist. This is really frustrating because it's one of the more complicated issues. It's multi-faceted and i don't know how to deal with it fully. Does anyone have any suggestions?

I owned up to all my bad behaviour with my family friends and some people in the community. I apologised not only by saying sorry but also addressing the things i had done and how i have changed and why they will never happen in the future.

I want to say that histrionics don't feel emotions superficially. They are actually very strong and deep but for me, because i feel so unsafe around so many people i'm scared to let them out and i feel fear about facing them because they are so bad a feel a sickness in the stomach (somatic) when thinking about them.

So last friday i had another epiphany where i recognised it in my brain and since then i have dropped my ego, admitted i am an idiot and only know superficial knowledge. I've taken myself back to high school level learning which i have put into my routine.

Everything that i have done in the last 5 months i have had to learn how to do. And i mean learn like a total idiot. I've had to learn how to read. I can currently read articles, some psych studies, word and picture books, and magazine articles. I am still learning about to read longer books but i will get there.

My psychiatrist and new psychologist believe that i can cure the histrionic because i am hell bent on changing my thinking.

These are the things i am struggling with at the moment

Intrusive thoughts about last psych who i want constant reassurance and recognition from. I meditated on this. It is painful.

Sexual repression- i repressed myself. what do i have to do to change these attitudes? I know i plan on doing this thing with boyfriend where i have to lie in front of him naked and work my head out of the child mind. Then i am going to try allow the sexy to come out. Prior to me finding self love i didn't feel sexy ever. The only male i've ever felt sexy for is bf. I also allowed myself to imagine myself having the full on wham bam threesome with my parents so that i could deal with the oedipal issues. That was pretty wild.

Should i be allowing histrionic thoughts to pass through or should i be working it out with myself why i am having them?

So much of the ego has dropped but i still feel special (particularly because i have done so well in changing the histrionic already ) and i also still see myself doing things in my head where there are heaps of people admiring me.

I'm currently doing this thing where i'm wearing the same clothes for 1week so i get out of the headspace by which i am making myself look like something i want to be judged as.

I have two voices in my head. One is what i believe to be my soul. She is super nice, sticks to the rules, has all the feelings and is very nice to the other voice which is the histrionic one. Is the very nice one my soul?

I am improving at a dramatic rate, is this the histrionic pushing me?

I am starting to remember again. Will i be able to remember when i was gang raped if i can face the fear of the memory?

When i am having these hectic realisations about the world or people around me or myself if it's something i really need to change about myself and i am focusing on it i have all these strange sensations. Sometimes in my brain. like fuzzy but also a bit of a massage. and then also in my body. so like i felt compassion for the first time the other day and it had a physical effect on me. When i have the realisations and it's got to do with my thinking, i feel is strongly in my brain and then it can be from either straight away to up to a week for me to change that thinking. Like it took me a week to stop judging people (specifically women) on how they look. What are these sensations?

Since the second epiphany i've gone back to a mad amount of realisations. How do i know where i'm up to in addressing abandoned child?

Also, sure i had the epiphany and decided to change for myself but when i started hanging out with bf a lot who is a really good person and very intelligent, i started changing so quickly and i think because of him. I have forced myself to face all kinds of awful fears about myself because of him and i tell him everything about myself. Is the love i feel for him doing this?

Thanks for the help

Hi histrionicsgetlit,

I don't have answers to your questions (hopefully you and your psych can find them), but wanted to write a kudos to you, wow impressed and inspirational. I do have a question though -

histrionicsgetlit wrote:I had an epiphany 5 months ago and realised that i was histrionic. I spent three days in bed horrified by my behaviour then took an oath to choose to be a better person.

Very few people would have this epiphany to begin with, let alone the strength to make a choice to do as you have done. You are doing something really good for you now (that's a good thing by the way, to really heal you vs avoid), but what motivated you to take this 'leap of faith' versus the easy way out?

Hmm that's a really interesting question. Lots of things have happened since the epiphany that have added to the strength and the choice but i think at the time during those three days of self analysation I found a code of things to live by that are:
- it is not ok to harm another human or animal either physically, emotionally or sexually
- It is not ok to be racist, sexist or homophobic
- You must practice self-love and self-care
- Accept yourself by recognising what your behaviour actually is and if it is bad, then change it
- Dream of a better future
- When you think something or have an opinion, make sure you know why you think that and have it as an independent thought
- Do not be mean to other humans or animals. Do not bitch about your friends or other people especially if you are a woman. Woman need to band together and become stronger.
- Admit your problems and your faults and then forgive yourself
- Forgive others because they are only trying to find themselves too
- Do not lie, cheat, steal, harm or hate.
- Do not eat animals. It is morally wrong.
- Do not be lazy or make excuses for not doing something you should
- Be responsible and manage your time well
- Face your fears
- Be kind to the environment. It is our future
- Meditate. It’s a natural Valium and energy source.
- Exercise daily
- Do not take drugs or drink until intoxicated
- Do not smoke cigarettes
- Trust your intuition and instincts
- When you think something, ask yourself why you think it and if it’s right for the world. Yes, it’s bigger than just you.
- Listen to people you know are living a good life as their advice is usually right
- Your perception of the world will dictate your actions
- Do to others as you would have done to you
- Find power in yourself, not in something make believe


The biggest ones for me to realise in that were self-love (this grew over time and became even stronger), believe in yourself and meditate. Oh and obviously face your fears. The only way to deal with histrionic thinking is to face all the fears. I look at it like i am presented with a feeling of being scared either by a memory or and idea or an action. I force myself to do it and sit through (what turns out to be mild) uncomfortable feelings and then i realise the fear was small. The more fears you push through the stronger you get and you get ready to face some of the bigger fears. When i started meditating i came front on with what i believe to be my soul but psychology might call in true self. My soul is so nice and kind and loving and all the good things. I now have conversations in my head by which my soul is giving therapy and being nice to my histrionic self and they now love each other and they are happy to work together. Do you know what i mean by that? My soul is guiding the damaged child and the child is growing up step by step.

Out of that list above the only thing i haven't committed to is the quitting smoking. I have so much $#%^ i am dealing with right now especially since 'going back to high school' and learning again that i am just putting that one on hold but i will quit in the future. I also smoke weed every so often which is good when i am becoming too stressed because it allows me to identify the triggers which have set off the stress and i can come up with a pragmatic way to deal with it. I have also taken acid twice but in a VERY SMALL DOSE because it makes me search deeper into myself for more truth and to confront fears more.

I hope this has answered your question. Through out this journey i have thought heaps about how i can help other histrionics in the future make the same steps but honestly i don't even know how to compile into a book how it can be done. The problem i faced is that because i was (am) so inherently superficial, when i first experienced these things, i experienced self-love, self-worth, self-identity on a superficial level and then further down the journey i realised that i had to sort of do it all over again and strengthen everything. Like cement these values in myself. That was very hard. I was a little down-hearted that day but then decided it was CHALLENGE ACCEPTED so i've started it all over again.

Luckily now that i am getting better, i have the full support of my bf, friends, family and the community around me which helps but i had to change dramatically and own up to ALL (AS IN ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING) to the people around me. 100% honesty. 100%. No exceptions. It has to be that way.

And i had the epiphany because i had totally destroyed my entire life.
I ended up homeless three years ago where i ended up putting myself in a situation where i got gang raped, then i got on heroin for a bit then i got on meth over about a 5-6 month period. 1 of those months i was in a psych ward because i also have bipolar.
Then i started on this epic journey to fix myself but was SO ANGRY blaming everyone else around me for what had happened that i ran away from NSW to Melbourne. I struggled terribly going from one short term stay to other and at one stage slept in a tent in a friends backyard for three months at the start of winter.
I met some really bad people and ended up a full blown meth addict. I went to drug and alcohol counselling and that's where i started to learn how to be honest because i wanted to help myself SO MUCH. I was jumping through personalities about every month or so and in the last stage before the epiphany i became a sex worker for three weeks. The last person i was with was doing that hectic deep throat thing and assaulted me which put me into this totally trip out state dream world kind thing. Then i had a bender with my new housemate, a drug dealer and this other guy who was on the drugs but trying really hard to help me. I did a bunch of meth, heaps of MDMA, smoked weed and had a few lines of cocaine. I was walking around the house naked in this total child state delusional $#%^ and the nice guy said to me 'do you realise you're walking around naked in front of your new housemate and a drug dealer?' And then my mind EXPLODED and i saw all this $#%^ about myself and i looked up the histrionic with the sexualisation $#%^ and then i experienced a mind explosion/taking responsibility for 3 days.

I don't know if this is the same for other histrionics but i had read about histrionic some time earlier but i never drew the line between my 'sexual behaviour' because to me it wasn't sexual behaviour. I was just being 'nakie' as i called it. I was being a child. I had sex as a child. I called a penis a 'windy' and a vagina a 'giny'. I was meditating the other day after finding out about the sexual repression and i wasn't really sexually repressed by anyone other than myself. When i was growing up i was shy and embarrassed about sex or i saw it as naughty and fun but this adult thing that i didn't fully get. I have been interacting sexually my entire life as a child. It was only when i started kissed bf and then decided i wanted to have mature sex so it took me 6 days of working on myself to get myself into the head frame where i knew i was engaging in adult sex.

I'm glad i had the epiphany because i stopped the meth IMMEDIATELY and the other drugs and started smashing through sorting my life out.

Dealing with this $#%^ as in actually addressing the issues is not necessarily hard in the sense of emotionally draining but it is hard in the sense that it is CONSTANT!!!!! I am CONSTANTLY listening to myself and talking with myself. Except for when i am learning to read or when i'm in conversations with people but even then it can pop in. I have life going on and then i have my head going on. Managing the two is hardcore.

I would really appreciate any advice or suggestions from members on here. With the whole spiritual journey i have been finding that when i ask for appropriate help in a non helpless way, the universe is providing. It's helped a lot.

I don't personally have HPD, or the traits of, but I do have my own issues, so responding from that point of view...

That near constant fight over the inner monologue I can relate too. It really is compulsive habit, and extremely hard to break, though I think you have figured out exactly how. Being aware of this habit is step #1, followed by focus on explicit goals, meditation, forcing yourself to break the habit by adopting new habits, is indeed what works.

A therapist also gave me a tool that helps, but it's another habit to be practiced. She said try to be mindful of the moment, down to the mundane. For example, it can be something as simple as "I am drinking a cup of coffee new, enjoying the flavor, putting the cup down". I have to admit it feels silly but it does work to break the worse habit of repetitious re-thinking the same 'old' thoughts over and over to no end.