Question for HPDs and non-HPDs

I have an HPD friend who doesn't know she has HPD. I've known her for many years and had cut her out of my life for several because I didn't know how to continue at the time. Things are much different for me now--life is simpler--and I've missed her and have always cared about her, so we've started talking again.

My question is, what is the right response when she ignores a text? For someone without HPD, I generally just ignore them for a while and they'll eventually text back, or I'll just send something to remind them. For someone with HPD, it's not the same. I've known her so long and am very familiar with her behaviour but I still don't have this figured out. Out-of-sight can be akin to out-of-mind with HPD, so she's more likely to forget me. Furthermore, she's very driven by emotions/mood, so if my last text arrived at the wrong time, a follow-up could potentially be more successful by pure happenstance. But, then I run the risk of looking desperate and inviting a devaluation phase.

So what's the right answer here? Or at least, what's your best guess? My goal is to simply spend more time with her.

Hey sirpuddles,

A 90 degree thought.

First, I suggest you ask your questions on the Significant Others, Family and Friends forum here -
family-support/

Second, all this mental energy spent on trying to figure her out versus just asking her, should be a red-flag, something is wrong. If you ask over on SOF&F, you'll get much more valuable answers, focusing on you, what you are hoping to get out of this, and why?

Third, there is no HPD cook-book, and nobody is going to hand out recipes on how to succeed (or manipulate). If you knew her well you'd need not ask this. You'd know. But the real value is in exploring your motives. When we turn our focus to ourselves it's an eye opener.

Thanks for the reply!

Lots of judgements & implications there, with a not-so-subtle undertone of patrony. Not needed. Not necessary. Response is appreciated nontheless.

There actually is a cookbook for human behaviour in general; it's quite predictable in many ways. I'm just having trouble with the convergence & divergence of HPD behaviour with non-HPD behaviour. I'm aware we're all individuals of course, but there is no doubt underlying patterns to our behaviour.

What happened to all the HPD users that used to inhabit this forum? I was hoping to hear from some of them.

Hey sirpuddles,

Sorry if I came across negatively.

So the HPD forum is here for those with HPD, to discuss what they wish to discuss, or if they don't wish to discuss, that is fine too.

Relationship partners, friends, family, (aka the Significant Others), etc., may read here, and ask generic questions about the disorder, but ... this sub-forum is not here for the Significant Others.

sirpuddles wrote:What happened to all the HPD users that used to inhabit this forum? I was hoping to hear from some of them.

Significant Others have a forum of their own now. People struggling with HPD are free to write here, or if they choose not to do so, that is okay too.

p.s. While I agree human behavior is generally understandable, and so predictable, step back a bit. Who wants to be put under a microscope of 'what buttons do I need to push' to get reaction x, y, z?

Just wanted to jump in here. I am not HPD. But you mention this....

sirpuddles wrote:My goal is to simply spend more time with her.

Then why don't you just tell her this? Why arrive in a support forum for people with HPD and ask for which words to say, what behaviors to use, how frequent to text,etc. Can you see how that may come across as manipulative and lack genuine intent and is actually a bit condescending?

I will not speak for pwHPD, but for those who have been pushed around a bit in life, have a hard time in trusting those who say they are here to care or help, but yet fail to do so, why would anyone rush to respond to a request like this?

To care about someone is to be genuine and accepting, at least the true definition of that word imo. No games, no manipulation Just being straight. So, call her up, text, or better yet, go see her and tell her you care about her and want to spend more time with her.

And then let her decide what is best for her. She may have a disorder, but she is a woman nonetheless. Chances are you have not heard back from her because she simply does not want to respond back. Or perhaps she has been too busy. Perhaps she just does not care either way. You left once before, why should she trust you now? The best way to find out? Simply ask her.

sirpuddles wrote:I have an HPD friend who doesn't know she has HPD. I've known her for many years and had cut her out of my life for several because I didn't know how to continue at the time. Things are much different for me now--life is simpler--and I've missed her and have always cared about her, so we've started talking again.

Is this true or have you read about HPD, decided this is who she is and now think you can manage her better? If she does not know she has HPD, how can you be sure she does?

I also second the words of Xdude above. Your thread belongs in our other forums geared towards relationships.

I really think they are right xdude and mark1958 Why do not you talk directly? They are supposed to be friends, you do not have to play with power struggles.
Maybe it would be different if it were a couple and one was seeing the most seductive way to approach, but still not being completely healthy.
But since is a friendship, I do not see the sense of sppining around the matter or the worth of that kind of friendship.

mark1958 wrote:Then why don't you just tell her this? Why arrive in a support forum for people with HPD and ask for which words to say, what behaviors to use, how frequent to text,etc. Can you see how that may come across as manipulative and lack genuine intent and is actually a bit condescending?

This is just semantics. We act in such a way every day to achieve our goals and meet our needs, and to help others with their goals & needs as well. You know this, regardless of your comfort level with it or explicit acceptance of it. Furthermore, interacting with someone with HPD is different than someone without HPD--generally, different behaviours elicit different responses in these groups of people.

Given that you don't know me, I'm aware of the ambiguity of my request, which of course will lead you to interpret it through your own internal filters. Furthermore, I'm no stranger to this message board and am aware of all the negative sentiment. Lots of people have been hurt by people with HPD, and lots of ppl are out for revenge or just harbour negative feelings in general. It's no surprise to me that both yourself and xdude are just assuming I must have some sinister objective. It's just unfortunate that that's your first assumption, without knowing me.

Regardless, I appreciate the advice. You've given me some things to consider. Thank you.

Well OK.
We could try.
A person with HPD despite his madness is really hard to forget.
That vitality and manic intensity becomes very endearing.
At least we will all learn something from the experience.
I think what you should do is the same that with a NON, that is, ignore it and if it still does not respond, to remind her after a spaced time.
I think it works even better with a Histrionic than with a NON.

Hey sirpuddles,

Yes, people have objectives behind what they do, whether aware or not, and that is fine.

sirpuddles wrote:...Furthermore, I'm no stranger to this message board and am aware of all the negative sentiment. Lots of people have been hurt by people with HPD, and lots of ppl are out for revenge or just harbour negative feelings in general. ...

True enough, hence the forum split. People with HPD here did not hurt the NONs who visit here. It had become all too easy to use this forum as a place to work out anger by proxy.

On the flip side, that is what SOF&F is for. Feel free to write out I am hurt, angry, pissed, whatever. Different sub-forum, different rules, and we greatly avoid censorship over there from the point of view of the NONs. For all the same reasons, we suggest those with HPD (or NPD, BPD, etc.) avoid SOF&F if reading there triggers painful emotions.

p.s. I am guilty of having arrived on this sub-forum a few years ago, and taking out anger on those with HPD here, who did me no wrong. I started with positive intentions, but I've done it, others have done it, and as you wrote, you recall a time when this sub-forum was busy, but on back and forth rock throwing. History has a way of repeating itself when you do the same thing over and over and expect a different result, hence the sub-forum split.

As a male with HPD I'd say its all about priorities. I don't know what the extent of your relationship is with her. But the way i look at people in my life is like this and maybe she is similar.

All people all ranked in order of importance. From very important, to important, to less important and so on. Depending on my goals and what i believe i can get from them i will keep those people around me. Weird thing is in that moment i do consider them closes friends. But the moment i no longer have use for them..i can easily detach from them and forget.

Those who we really care about will get an immediate response. Those who are not will not get an immediate response and from a personal experience i can tell you i DON'T do it on purpose. It just happens because sometimes i truly do forget to reply. But that takes us back to priorities.

Now, it doesn't mean that you're not important but something in that moment was more important then you.

I hope you don't use this info to hurt your friend. Lots of people look at people with HPD as sick. As self-aware HPD i don't see myself sick. I'm different and trying to change so i don't hurt those around me any longer. I truly didn't mean to do any of the bad things that i did in the past. I'm sure your friend is the same way. Reason i say this is because if you truly care about her don't use your knowledge on HPD to manipulate her. In the end that would make you sick. You'd be utilizing somebody's disorder against them for manipulation. Please don't do that.