HPD and Happiness

I'm f****d up. Severely f****d up. I never asked to be like this. I never asked to be born. I look at other people in my life and become jealous: they are happy. They can be happy because they are normal. I will never be normal. Which means I will never be happy. All those meaningful, intimate relationships other people have? I will never experience that. Do I even possess the capacity for the genuine love and empathy those relationships require? I once thought I did. But I am realizing more and more as time goes on and I examine myself and my own relationships (or lack thereof) that I might not.

People tell me I have so much potential; I can achieve success. F**K success! I don't want it. What I want is to not feel empty. To not feel like I'm not real, that everything I thought I was is just a facade and there is literally nothing underneath. What I want is to not feel like no one wants anything to do with me. What I want is to not be worried that people will find out what I am and leave me. What I want is to not feel alone. What I want is to form deep, long-lasting relationships with those around me. What I want is to feel that my life has meaning.

I hate myself. I know there is no therapist, no medication, no self-help book that will fix me. And before you say anything, no--I can't fix me either. When I was in elementary school I tried to strangle myself but stopped. From then on I have had thoughts of suicide. But I was too scared to do anything about it. I was taught you go to hell and that was the last thing I wanted, even if maybe I deserve it. And you know what? For years I never told anyone about it. That's how I know it was real, not for attention. Those feelings: self-loathing, being suicidal--those are the only aspects of myself that I am sure are real. But I can't talk about these things because I'm histrionic so I must be lying, right?

Is this post just a whole bunch of self-pity? Sure. Is it narcissistic? Maybe. Dramatic? A little. But I don't care. I am tired of being the way that I am, and feeling that it's permanent. "Oh, but you can go to therapy and change if you really want to." No. I can't change. This is who I am. I am someone who seeks validation I never seem to find. And I have no f*****g idea why I came out this way. Even with my biological father back in my life my "daddy issues" haven't gone away. None of my issues will ever go away.

So I will never be happy (yes, I used a bunch of "never" statements, deal with it). But I am just going to have to find a way to live with it.

Hey Nonexistent,

Just wanted to share something with you -

For much of my younger life I felt apart, believed others were happy, and I was some kind of odd-man out. One day I had an epiphany. It didn't last long, but it was a moment of insight that changed my way of thinking, though it took many years to fully sink in.

What I saw was that everyone else has issues, nobody else is waking around purely self-assured. Even the over-the-top narcissists, that was coming from a place of them trying to convince others of their self-assurance, if they really felt that way they'd not need to be the like the little engine that could (metaphor described here) - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Littl ... That_Could

Though it has taken much time, since that day, my anxiety around others has decreased and my sense of I am not good enough as well. It was all rooted in a false belief. Now to write it out with some punch -

Nobody else is walking around feeling confident all the time.

Nobody else is walking around feeling happy all the time.

There is absolutely nobody else who does not have issues of their own; they may spend less time pondering those issues, but they have them.

And the biggest irony of all... our worries what others think, it's all in our own head. I am not saying walk around being a dick to others, but really, others have their own lives, and they spend the majority of their time living in their own heads, just like all of us.

Some people won't like us, and that's a good thing. Some will. Much better than being a puppet to the endless wants of others who are never going to agree anyway.

Hi Nonexistent,

Do you think there's anyway someone could fix you? Like someone in your life, if they knew you had HPD?

I ask because I've struggled for years wondering how I could help a friend of mine. She knows something is wrong but doesn't know she has HPD, so that makes it even harder.