HPD and Love/Crushes

I currently like a guy I see every day because we're in the same classes. He's intelligent, he has a great sense of humor yet understands there is a time and place for humor, and can be serious when necessary. He is a talented dancer. He is sweet and sensitive. He also recently got engaged.

The issues I am having are the obvious (1) he's engaged and (2) I'm concerned about how I can set boundaries for myself. All I want to do is be around him. Funny thing is I had him in a class before, but I never noticed him. In fact, I didn't notice him until he started to notice me.

So I wonder if I truly like him or if I just want his attention. It has been years since I've liked a guy this much, though, and there are qualities about him I like. But obviously none of that matters because he is happily engaged. Back to the original matter at hand: BOUNDARIES. I respect he has a fiancée. Which is why I hate that he recently told me I'm very important to him. Those are words any histrionic will take to heart a little too much; even more so for me since I've never had anyone tell me that.

So far, I've managed to force myself to not wait for him after class. I made myself not text him. But I think about him often. I cry over it. I've never cried over a guy before. And of course, I start to question whether I will ever be able to be a part of a healthy, genuine relationship; whether I can be happy.

Then the self-loathing comes in, envy of normal people, etc. and I find myself crying. Anyway, boundaries. How do I stop myself from liking him, keep a respectful distance, stop myself from crying when I think about him? Do I even care about him? Or do I care about how he makes me feel?

I'm worried this is an unhealthy obsession and I want it to stop before it gets bad.

Hey Nonexistent,

So some hard questions ahead...

First let me be clear up front, these questions come from a place of personal bias and experience. I am not saying they are some universal truth, but we can only approach life from our own experiences, so not so bad either (hopefully)...

Something I've observed about HPD (again personal experience), is that it is not so different from NPD. The details are different, but the motivations may be the same.

So he is engaged to someone who might be someone who builds him up. Something I kept seeing is people with HPD/NPD perceive a competition (even if there isn't one), and because that competition doesn't include them, they feel they must jump in, and compete.

Is your compulsion to jump in to build him up, or because it's a competition that you are not a part of and so feel compelled to intervene in? You are not really emotionally involved with him so that gives you an advantage, but it is this for his sake, yours, what will you get out of out breaking his relationship up?

Hi xdude. Thanks for your response. I have no intention of breaking up anyone’s relationship. My question was how can I set boundaries for myself in this situation? I see him every day. It feels as though my feelings intensify daily. You did answer the other question. I was thinking maybe I just like the way he makes ME feel. Which is selfish. Anyway, how do I distance myself without causing him to think he did something wrong (he’s sensitive)? In general, how do I stop this from happening?

This is the reason I feel I shouldn’t be in a relationship and never have been.

Nonexistent wrote:Anyway, how do I distance myself without causing him to think he did something wrong (he’s sensitive)? In general, how do I stop this from happening?

I would focus on this, because there is a lot said in the first sentence that is unsaid.

It is amazing how much damage we can do because we start with the presumption that we are doing what we do for the benefit of others. The only question of value is what are you trying to get out of this situation? It's the only truth that matters.

Thanks xdude. You’re right. I’ll focus on distancing myself. And the truth of the matter is that he gives me attention; sweet, gentle, consoling attention. And I hate to admit that. I try to deny it. But it’s the truth. I’m crying as I type this. I just want to stop looking for happiness in the wrong places. I hate myself for being this way.

I have a question: can someone like me ever be happy? I need to know if this is worth it. I feel like it isn’t. Is there any chance of me ever truly being happy? Finding it within myself, being able to share it with someone else... will I ever be able to do that? Is it selfish to want to be happy?

Hi Nonexistent,

It bugs me that I was harsh earlier, but reading between the lines, he has a relationship and is happy and getting involved in that cannot possibly end up good for you or him.

Just from my personal experience, people with HPD have so much potential. It's mostly just self inflicted wounds that holds them back, but hey, welcome to the cluster B party

In an ideal world, do you know what type of person matches your needs and wants? And now the really hard question, what does he/she needs/wants in return?

You weren’t harsh at all. Besides, i read over your posts again and realized I misunderstood some things you said. And with histrionics, you need to be harsh, honest. You’re absolutely right. You bring up good points. Thank you for your feedback. I think I just need to get therapy.

Thanks Nonexsistent.

Hopefully a friend would have offered the same advice. A bit of kudos too, because not everyone wants honesty.

Therapy is worth it, but it's tough. Exploring ourselves is often not fun. I remember my ex commenting 'after you come back from therapy you seem worse off'. I'm like yea, that is therapy. She really believed that therapy is suppose to make you feel good, like getting a massage. Quite the opposite. You will likely feel worse before you start to feel better, but they key benefit is that the feeling better part eventually starts to stick versus being fleeting.

There is one immediate positive though, assuming you can find a competent therapist. It's quite the experience to speak about what is going on with self without judgement. Hopefully you can find that objective sounding board too.

A couple things I would like to weigh in on here, that resonated with me in respect to the OP's situation and some points that were brought up.

The concept of competition really hit home. I have dated two married men in the past couple of years in fact they were my last two head over heels love relationships. The first one I knew was married, but the second man ( a pwNPD) lied about it, and I found several months into the relationship. Both of those scenarios set me up to feel highly competitive with their spouses so much so that when the first one ended, there was some mud slinging between his wife and myself. Interestingly enough, we have reconnected and periodically are intimate, and part of my interest in doing so was to stick it to his B#tch wife. She would have a conniption if she knew he was calling me again every week, and we have a FWB thing going on, and the knowledge of that is vengefully satisfying.

The second man with NPD is my still my current obsession and like most NPD/BPD relationships, very toxic and very on-again/off-again. He is now separated (so he says) but at the time he was married and again it felt like a competition, that I needed to win him, that if I did than somehow that would mean I was better or loveable. All very messed up I know. So I agree with the competition concept.... it really does add to the drive to pursue these individuals.

Another point that resonated was the whole concept of crushes in general. I have had some seriously inappropriate crushes on people that looking back on it now, I shake my head and wonder WTF? I developed a massive crush on my plastic surgeon.... seriously! So much so I wrote him love letters, LOL .... and gave it to him. Fortunately he was professional enough that he said nothing and did not embarass me by it, but thinking about it now I am mortified, truly! The funny thing is, he is still my doctor and I go see him a few times a year for botox and filler, lol. I have also had crushes on the priest at the church, lol... (fortunately I did not act on that one....) and even on first cousins. So I am thinking now about the criteria concerning inappropriate intimacy in which I imagine this propensity for crushes would apply and I wonder what it is all about. Why these individuals? Because they were nice to me? Cared about me? Probably.

Finally, the idea of boundaries is so key. I have so many boundary issues, that I don't even know if I have any and particularly as it relates to sex and men, or even crushes, I seem to be incapable of finding them. The feelings are so great and I want what I want that I transgress boundaries with people that I really shouldn't. I also believe that men see that in me, because I allow them to get dirty pics from me from the first texting interactions, and sex from me from the first date.... I rage at my ex-husband, and intrude on his privacy. I stalk my NPD ex-bf and make demands or rage at him about things that are really none of my business, but here is where I lack the boundary knowledge to stop myself from doing so. I have NO f#cking boundaries at all.

Anyways, I wanted to comment and share my experience and let the OP know that #Metoo .... competition, crushes and boundaries... all part of the crazy that makes me the HOT MESS I am.