Just learned of HPD and...

I just found out about HPD and I'm convinced I have it. I've never been diagnosed with anything other than anxiety, depression and ADD but who hasn't? I came here to read about and NPD because my ex is very narcissistic. I didn't know what HPD was so I clicked the link and I'm blown away. I've always wondered what is wrong with me but it didn't sound like I truly had bipolar or autism spectrum disorder. I've made so many stupid, immature mistakes and not understanding why, I would tell myself that I'm simply dumb or a slow learner.

I never considered myself a seductress. I still don't, actually. Far from it, to me anyway. I always thought I was kind of shy when trying to be sexy. I But I have been told that I flirt with everyone. And now that I think about it, I do talk to different people in different ways. Like sometimes when I'm talking to a male I catch myself fake smiling a lot. Or Ive noticed before that when I'm talking to someone boring, I'm so disengaged. Which is something I rarely am. Still, as introspective as I am, it's only been once or twice that I've noticed this "change" in how I act. It's scary, I think I might do it all the time.

Anyway, I always feel intimate with every new friend I make. I don't really have boundaries although I do know that that is something I need to work on and have been trying. I know I will easily tell anyone anything they want to know about me. Even if they didn't actually ask. I wondered why I do that, but I just considered myself honest and authentic. I've always wondered why it seems like I talk about myself so much more than others talk about themselves. And I often find that I don't do well in conversations because I talk so much more than I listen.

Although I Think that I am inhibited sexually I do engage in promiscuity but typically it's alcohol related. I've always wondered why it was so easy for me to walk away from relationships. And I've always been nervous of feeling sexually "free" with someone. I know I have intimacy issues. I guess shallow is the right word which is crazy though because I always thought I liked getting to know people on a deep level. But… Sometimes I wonder if I've ever made love with someone or if all I've experienced is screwing. One time I slept with my best guy friend and afterward I cried. I didn't know why. I did not love him in that way, it was just a very vulnerable feeling but also peaceful and serene ad it just made me sad.

Also, although I will find myself deeply distraught over something or someone, Ive noticed there are times when it quickly turns off when something fun or exciting happens. Like I'll be telling someone about how suicidal I feel then I remember I have plans that night and quickly start getting ready. Or I'll be crying about starving children and then a little while later I'll remember it's the farmers market that night and I'll go and have a wonderful time.

I don't wear heavy make up or any jewelry. But I know I am attractive. That may sound very vain and maybe it is but I really don't think I'm conceited. I've just been told I'm beautiful all my life, to a point where it's so boring to hear it. I know that's awful and so many people don't have that and I am grateful because good looks make life easier in some ways. But with beauty, for me anyway, has come lots of suffering. I am seldom happy or content and I long to be.

After I started my first professional job I realized how I am so immature, professionally. My boss introduced me to the group and I gave a very enthusiastic "hey guys!" Everyone kind of giggled a returned "hello." For a moment I thought I was cute, but I was mortified later. Why don't I act my age, I wonder. Then I accidentally flirted with another superior in front of staff. Somehow I convinced myself he was single or separated, but the truth was that he's happily married with children and expecting another! I always am so embarrassed by these kinds of mistakes.

There's also been occasions where Ive had group sex, like a threesome or foursome. Im not into that at all! I wonder why I ever did that and why I did it again?? Why do I do crazy stuff that doesn't make me happy?

Sorry for all of this but does this sound familiar to anyone?

I feel hopeful that maybe I can learn how to love and be loved. Despite some fun nights here and there I've been single for most of my adult life. No relationships longer than 6-9 months. I really really want a partner to enjoy life with. I'm not so young anymore and although I've grown up some, in some ways I've grown a lot, I still am alone.

Hi TruthAndNail,

Not sure if either of these analogous situations help, but let me thrown them out -

Some people want to be famous, but also want to be able to go out in public and have privacy.

Some people want a high-stress position like CEO (and all they imagine goes with that), but also want a life of peace and quiet (and a bunch of imagined extremes here too).

The real problem is in wanting both extremes, and always looking to what they don't have in the moment (i.e., the other side of the coin), they are never happy.

If there is to be a change, then the change comes not from looking at the extremes, but deep introspection over the never being happy part no matter if it's heads, or tails.