rejection

how do you guys deal with rejection?

I have not experienced much rejection yet in life because I have avoided it in every way possible but in the case where it does happen it's HORRIBLE. I often will want to hurt myself to punish the person who rejected me.

I'm very afraid of rejection happening again as I try to not be as overly seductive and appeasing and as I try not to change/chameleon myself for others. I don't know what I'll do if it happens again

how do you guys deal with rejection?

It depends. I think I'm less reactive to it than I used to be. My best friend got married and moved away, and it was hard at first, but reminding myself that we are still friends, though circumstances have changed, and just accepting that realistically he can't be there all the time, REALLY helped to temper my feelings.

With anyone else that I am not invested in - I don't care.

I have not experienced much rejection yet in life

Interesting. I think chronic rejection of the self in childhood is the main cause for pathology.

Anyway, I am WAYY too tired to get into this in any depth right now.

blank wrote:With anyone else that I am not invested in - I don't care.

Hmm, it's not logical but I can't help feeling extremely hurt when ANYONE rejects me

Interesting. I think chronic rejection of the self in childhood is the main cause for pathology.

I had to be seductive to be noticed or cared about at all. I was not allowed to just be natural. So me as a person was rejected...

It hurts whenever I open up to someone and am rejected. That's why I prefer not to open up to anyone in RL.

And that's kind of where I've been leaning lately, but I would be lying to myself if I said that I don't have needs for relationships.

Rarely anyone presents as a "pure" form of any disorder, but often are diagnosed with several, or have traits of several disorders. I've been diagnosed with many disorders over the years. MDD, BPD, AsPD (which was crap), social phobia, agoraphobia, C-PTSD, HPD, AvPD...

But over the last year and a half talking with my current therapist, I've come to realize that my core disorder is AvPD.

And I think that's kind of where you have to look. For me, I've always longed to be part of some group, to be accepted and liked. And because of constant rejection both at home and in my own peer groups, I just became what everyone wanted me to be. I never got to be myself and be accepted for me.

So I usually would go one of two routes to cope with rejection. One, I'd become VERY appeasing and chamelionic and could never be assertive, all to be accepted (read: crowd follower).

Or, I would completely withdraw and isolate from others and disconnect.

Rejection always hurt regardless. But if I have no desire to connect to someone, then I just don't care.

I am extremely tired so I hope what I said makes sense and gives you an idea.

blank wrote:It hurts whenever I open up to someone and am rejected. That's why I prefer not to open up to anyone in RL.

And that's kind of where I've been leaning lately, but I would be lying to myself if I said that I don't have needs for relationships.

Rarely anyone presents as a "pure" form of any disorder, but often are diagnosed with several, or have traits of several disorders. I've been diagnosed with many disorders over the years. MDD, BPD, AsPD (which was crap), social phobia, agoraphobia, C-PTSD, HPD, AvPD...

But over the last year and a half talking with my current therapist, I've come to realize that my core disorder is AvPD.

And I think that's kind of where you have to look. For me, I've always longed to be part of some group, to be accepted and liked. And because of constant rejection both at home and in my own peer groups, I just became what everyone wanted me to be. I never got to be myself and be accepted for me.

So I usually would go one of two routes to cope with rejection. One, I'd become VERY appeasing and chamelionic and could never be assertive, all to be accepted (read: crowd follower).

Or, I would completely withdraw and isolate from others and disconnect.

Rejection always hurt regardless. But if I have no desire to connect to someone, then I just don't care.

I am extremely tired so I hope what I said makes sense and gives you an idea.

Yeahhh it gets messier the more low-functioning you are.

I think my core is HPD but I also have developed other issues that make my life harder.

I think the difference between us is in where we perceive intimacy.

I feel intimate with people by default. I feel intimate even with complete strangers. So even if total strangers reject me it feels AWFUL. Even if I don't have any history with them or even if I don't even LIKE them, even if I don't open up to them and even if they know nothing about me, it STILL feels awful.

I feel connected by default. I tend to emotionally overestimate the meaning of other people's reactions to me because of that.

I wish I could become more indifferent to people that I don't know or don't want to become involved with.

vertices wrote:I feel intimate with people by default. I feel intimate even with complete strangers.

I certainly can relate to that. I used to be that way. I would try really hard with people and go out of my way to try and establish connections with people.

Once any connection was made, it would definitely feel like the relationship was more intimate than it was. I would be a wide open book, and really cling to them. And expect a lot out of the relationship.

Truth is I was STARVING for love.

But with the clinginess I think that's more of a dependant thing, though HPD does have a lot of overlap with DPD.

blank wrote:

vertices wrote:I feel intimate with people by default. I feel intimate even with complete strangers.

I certainly can relate to that. I used to be that way. I would try really hard with people and go out of my way to try and establish connections with people.

Once any connection was made, it would definitely feel like the relationship was more intimate than it was. I would be a wide open book, and really cling to them. And expect a lot out of the relationship.

Truth is I was STARVING for love.

But with the clinginess I think that's more of a dependant thing, though HPD does have a lot of overlap with DPD.

I am not usually clingy I'm just really passive. The only times I've ever been clingy started after I got rejected. I tend to idealize people who don't care about me AT ALL and basically treat me like an object. I grow to resent people when they expect me to do any work in a relationship and then I want to move on.

Usually the closer I get to someone, the more bored and trapped I start to feel. I do want to be cared about but I never feel cared about because so far the type of people who initiate a relationship with me are the kind of people who don't understand me at all so it's impossible for them to care about me. It feels very one-sided and that's why I find it hard to make any effort.

The only time I stay interested in a relationship is when I think I could be rejected.... when I'm not sure if I'm really wanted or not. I need to feel wanted, if I feel unwanted then I get anxious and then I'll try harder. If I actually get rejected then that's when I'll become obsessed and want them back.

It's interesting. I'd take my HPD ex's flirting with others as a personal rejection, until I couldn't take rejection anymore and then adopted an I don't care mindset. Then she would take that as rejection, have her meltdown, followed by trying harder for a time.

I think the key difference between us was it bothered me that she felt rejected, where for her it bothered her that I had rejected her and what is wrong with me. Lack of introspection gets old.

It's why I enjoy reading here. I gave up hope that my ex could ever step back and look at her (that takes balls). You all have big balls

xdude wrote:It's interesting. I'd take my HPD ex's flirting with others as a personal rejection, until I couldn't take rejection anymore and then adopted an I don't care mindset. Then she would take that as rejection, have her meltdown, followed by trying harder for a time.

I think the key difference between us was it bothered me that she felt rejected, where for her it bothered her that I had rejected her and what is wrong with me. Lack of introspection gets old.

It's why I enjoy reading here. I gave up hope that my ex could ever step back and look at her (that takes balls).

Y'know xdude, I never would have pinned you as a narc. (wait am I remembering right?) Anyway you are so mellow and really genuine and sweet. The narcs that end up around me always are reactive af and constantly solicit me with their endless stream of delusional thinking. Constantly fishing for affirmation of their false self. It's just bleh.

You all have big balls

wut you looked?????? oh so clearly u want me

My therapist thought BPD/NPD but I've been introspecting for a long time, and I genuinely never took joy in hurting others (though have if felt backed into a corner, but I think most cluster B types can go for the jugular if pushed too hard).

I also genuinely admire the posters here, now that I am past my anger, seeking answers phase that brought me here. It takes real strength.

vertices wrote:...Constantly fishing for affirmation of their false self. It's just bleh. ...

Funny thing. Like many I use to get so caught up in that, but my mind has flipped and now I just wonder who are you trying to convince, me, or yourself?