Desire to contact former failed relationship partners

Woke up this morning and began thinking of someone I havent seen in 12 years. Having a strong urge to contact him and I am not sure why.

We never had a serious relationship. It was friendship plus a very intense sexual connection. One of the most intense either of us has had. I dont remember how long it lasted but I ended it because I was frustrated he didnt want to take it to the next level. He didnt take me seriously as a partner and I couldnt understand why not and was offended.

In hindsight I can see why. I see myself more realistically now. He was probably being smart.

But he did behave as if I made him weak. He was at my beckon call. If I sent him a text he would drop everything and drive 3 hours to where I was. That was nice but it wasnt what I wanted. I am still not sure what I wanted or want.

I dont know what he wanted either. To me it seems like that degree of sexual intensity suggests something there. It didnt seem like a purely physical act. I am not deluded we have some mystical connection but I thought he was dismissing a connection that was there. Refusing to acknowledge it.

I think he maybe showed signs of NPD. He is arrogant and snobby, haughty. Looks down on others. He is part of a subculture which I am not so he might thought I didnt fit in with his image. Its true I didnt.

He was also cruel to me such as talking about someone else he was emotionally attracted to. Not caring how it would affect me. Lack of empathy? Mind game? If I did the same he got angry and accused me of trying to make him jealous. I think he did get jealous but would not admit it.

I feel like I could contact him again and he would be happy to hear from me. Would want to see me. I looked him up. In a band so easy to find. Single. Looks older ofc but I still see what I found attractive.

But why do it? Why did I think about him? I doubt either of us has changed much. I think he was correct not to see me as relationship material. I have taken myself out of the dating pool for that reason. But these desires still arise.

I wanted to write it out so I can hear myself.