Degrees of HPD and Long Term Success

Monstergirl wrote:He did speak to the Dr. About there being a sliding scale and yes, according to doc there are varied degress of this. So since my man has the ability to feel real empathy, shame, love, and can self regulate and adjust his negative attention seeking behaviors to a more positive direction such as accomplishments and goals, he does come up more high functioning.

Just an opinion, but agree, there are degrees.

Still something to be aware of...

There is something, the path of least resistance, and as he is male, his path of least resistance is affected by what others approve of, and disapprove of. Point being you may not have seen him at his lowest point of despair yet. Don't be entirely surprised if after all the apparent progress he appears to relapse, and has a long overdue meltdown. The pressure to be strong and in control is strong as someone growing up as male, but that is the path of least resistance. There may be more to come once he gets farther along with self-acceptance.

xdude wrote:There is something, the path of least resistance, and as he is male, his path of least resistance is affected by what others approve of, and disapprove of.

Can you elaborate? Why is it more of a male thing than a female thing?

TheCastleOf wrote:Can you elaborate? Why is it more of a male thing than a female thing?

As good an article on this as any -

https://goodmenproject.com/featured-con ... epression/

There is a long term cost to avoiding our emotions, but not that they aren't felt, but many of us learned to hush, hide it, be strong, etc.

xdude wrote:As good an article on this as any -

I understand your perspective now.

xdude wrote:There is a long term cost to avoiding our emotions, but not that they aren't felt, but many of us learned to hush, hide it, be strong, etc.

I agree. There is this pervasive societal idea that in order to win on a social level, you must be detached and emotionally ruthless. It has started to bleed on my own gender as well. I think it's silly, we should celebrate variety, not unilateral thinking.

Hi, new to this forum but I had to make an account and say that reading through this thread has been a pleasure. Lots of insight and hope for those who are in a relationship with a HPD

When I questioned about success stories, I was trying to see if anyone had an uplifting tale; something positive. Unfortunately, I see a lot of posts from Non's who had terrible experiences. I get that. It's not an easy thing to be with an HPD partner. And I hardly see posts from HPD males, so when I do see one, I really appreciate the read. Who knows, one day I may post an uplifting story, or a nightmare.

Understand that success stories are generally harder to come by, especially compared to the number of posts that talk about failed relationships with HPD folks. The latter are the ones who need the advice and support this forum was built to cater to, so it makes sense that you'll come across them more often than the more positive stories.

I don't mean to hijack this thread but I would like to ask a question as well. How do you know whether a friend/partner with HPD truly appreciates you as a person and is not taking advantage of you for their personal gains? I'm aware that a person with HPD (especially those who don't seek professional help) will almost always be on the manipulative side to the general population, but I also know they can make exceptions and can form genuine relationships.

Wish you the best of luck, Monstergirl. Happy to see a loving relationship of such a unique nature.

"How do you know whether a friend/partner with HPD truly appreciates you as a person and is not taking advantage of you for their personal gains? I'm aware that a person with HPD (especially those who don't seek professional help) will almost always be on the manipulative side to the general population, but I also know they can make exceptions and can form genuine relationships."

Hello! And thank you for the question.

I can only reference my situation but I agree that, like every human on this planet, we are all different (PD or not). Each personality differs. Our emotional extremes or lack thereof come in degrees, for everyone. And I also now believe every person expresses themselves (and even manipulates others in some sense) in varied ways to acquire what they need/want. That may be universally human.

So I'd like to think each pwHPD is different (though they all seem to have the same core and underlying themes.)

Mine was 100% manipulative/seductive to the general population ONLINE, but not so much in person. In person he tried very hard to form lasting friendship or loving bonds for 20+ years, but just had no luck for numerous reasons.

I read that some HPD's cannot form bonds at all. Some forget about people quickly or get bored of routine. Others get overly attached, find security in routine, or become obsessed when relationships end or when they think it will end. So I must believe there are always exceptions. I simply refuse to paint this disorder with a broad brush anymore. Nothing is ever and can never be so black and white.

My man says healing was easy AFTER he hit rock bottom. The actual realization itself was the hardest thing. Had it not been pointed out; had he not hit the Seventh level of Hell, according to him, he would have never gotten help.

Fact is, he was STARVING TO DEATH FOR LOVE and had no idea what was wrong with him or who to turn to. But once he knew, and "confessed" for lack of a better word to all of the poor behavior's and manipulations, he was able to move forward, purge what he felt needed purging and accept the fact he has a disorder. He will be in therapy the rest of his life. He knows he needs it and there is no magic cure.

He also said last night that if it wasn't for me being so supportive, understanding and loving, his recovery would take much longer. He says having the support of someone is making a world of difference, and he counts himself lucky for it. He said he knows there are a lot of people who are suffering, as he did, and he felt for those who had no support system in place (family, friends, therapist, wife, husband etc)

Ok, so how do I know this is genuine?

I don't.

BUT, I have learned to watch actions very closely and not to get wrapped up in what's being said. Anyone can say anything, doesn't make it so. Therefore I look closely at what he does. Old adage, actions speak louder than words. That has helped me differentiate. And another adage, Time will tell. Also relevant.

I had the very same questions when I joined this forum. Is this just the appeasing nature of his HPD? How can I tell if this is the real personality or if it's a façade? How does he know what his personality is?

I cannot say with 100% certainty but I'm pretty convinced at this point that he's just a guy with a disorder who also happens to be in love. Then again, he is pretty high functioning according to his doctor, so maybe he'll be okay in the long run. Or, maybe this will all come crashing down. Time will really tell.

I know he can absolutely form real bonds. He can feel love and empathy and adjust poor behaviors, refrain from doing hurtful things to himself and others; he feels shame and genuine concern and loyalty and above all, he wants to feel "normal".

If he can do all of those things, others can as well.

Your friend or partner may be the same. Do they know they have HPD? Do they have loving and non-judgmental support from a trustworthy source? Are they in therapy? Can they feel true empathy and does it show in their actions?

My advice to an HPD partner is to watch actions.

You accept what you allow so if something strikes you as "off putting" let them know their behavior hurts you, and HOW it hurts. If you feel your being used or manipulated, same thing. Let them know YOU know. Never keep quiet. Don't lose yourself. Be strong and firm in your convictions and do not settle for being treated any less than you deserve to be. Be supportive and as gentle as you can be, all the while keeping a keen eye on behaviors.

If something unfortunate occurs, something you deem unforgivable, so be it. Tell them it was, why it was, how it hurt and then save yourself.

In the end, time will tell it all=)

I know this was long, but I hope something in this helped you, or anyone. I'm not the expert! I'm just figuring things out with him as we move along. GOOD LUCK!