Our partner

Degrees of HPD and Long Term Success

Histrionic Personality Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.
Forum rules
Attention Please. You are entering the Histrionic Personality Disorder forum. Please read this carefully.

Given the unique propensities of those who are faced with the issues of HPD, topics at times may be uncomfortable for non HP readers. Discussions related to HPD behavior are permitted here, within the context of deeper understanding of the commonalties shared by members. Indulging or encouraging these urges is not what this forum is intended for.

Conversations here can be triggering for those who have suffered abuse from HPDs. .
Non HPD users are welcome to post here, But their questions Must have a respectful tone.
If you are a NON and have issues with an past relationship with an HPD person, it is suggested that you Post in a Relationship forum. Here is a link to that forum: relationship/

For those who have no respect for either this illness or for those who are living with it, please do not enter this forum. Discrimination of Personality Disorders is not tolerated on this site.

Moderators are present here to ensure that members treat each other with dignity and respect. If topics become overly graphic or drift from having a healthy perspective, moderators will intervene.
Please feel free to contact a moderator if you have any questions or concerns.

Best Regards,
The Team

Degrees of HPD and Long Term Success

Postby Monstergirl » Wed Jun 21, 2017 6:56 pm

Hi all,

I am a NON whose been living with (and soon to be engaged to) a diagnosed HPD male.

I have a few questions about degrees of Personality Disorders and how the disorder changes, grows or declines with age/stability for those in relationships. Any help would be great.

My man was diagnosed with mild anxiety, mild OCD, and mild bi-polar. He has pretty poor impulse control issues. He was also diagnosed with HPD.

Can I assume there are varying degrees of HPD (like a sliding scale?)

My man definitely had major inappropriate sexual behavior ONLINE only. No confidence in person so no direct cheating.

My questions for pwHPD are this...

Do you find your disorder (as a whole) lessens, stays the same or grows as you get older?

Does your "audience" change as you age? Meaning, a very provocative and/or good looking 25 or 35 y/o pwHPD may get more attention/sex and opportunity than a 50 or 60 y/o pwHPD. How do you cope/adjust if the audience changes or depletes?

Do your attention seeking methods change? (Have you ever resorted to more extreme behavior IF the amount of attention changed, or did your drive diminish if the opportunities did)?

If you are in love (or married) do you still seek outside attention as much as if you were single or not in love?

Idealization phase- It wasn't always like this, however, NOW he is in the "idealization" phase. That's not what he calls it. He says he's just a guy who came to his senses, realized what he lost and will never revert back to what he was because he hated himself and his life, and wanted to die. (I'm under no illusions here. I know he may backslide at any point, but the optimist in me is hoping for the best.)

Can any pwHPD tell me how they viewed their partners in the beginning? Is the routine of a single attention source the "boredom" or is it more than that?

Are there any successful relationship stories out there?

I know all people and all pwHPD's are different. Mine is mostly appeasing, some infantile smattered with a smidge of vivacious. VERY low self esteem, and if he does something that hurts me, he feels it, and he feels it BAD, enough where he changes the behavior for my comfort. So far, everything's okay. He's in therapy. And yes, I know all of this can turn on a dime, no different than any other relationship, HPD or not.

Last question- to those with HPD who are going through therapy, what is your greatest challenge and your biggest accomplishment or breakthrough?


Thank you for reading, and helping this Non to understand. :mrgreen:
I'm a Non-pwHPD happily engaged to a diagnosed HPD man, looking for support and enlightenment.
User avatar
Monstergirl
Consumer 3
Consumer 3
 
Posts: 63
Joined: Tue May 09, 2017 8:13 pm
Local time: Thu Jul 10, 2025 7:32 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Degrees of HPD and Long Term Success

Postby blank » Sun Jun 25, 2017 6:25 am

One of my parents likely has Bpd/Hpd, and they are in their 70's and don't show a lot of remission.

I was diagnosed a few years ago, am in my 40's now, and have been in therapy/recovery for 3 years, and I have seen a lot of remission. But it still waxes and wanes, depending on circumstances.

Attention seeking methods are still the same more or less. I always thrived on shock value, doing things that get people talking, "I can't believe they did that" or whatever. Doing things to always stand out from the rest.

I don't know that I idealize any more, but I do get quickly bored with relationships and routine. Once someone leaves my sphere I quickly forget about them and lose all feelings I had for them, and move on to the next. Especially if I think they're going to leave me, I'll leave them and find a suitable replacement.

I'm definitely appeasing and infantile, but for the most part, I think my greatest challenge has been learning to develop healthy relationships with others, and giving up supply.

I think where the appeasing side really comes out is where I'm so afraid to lose someone, I often give in to them, or go through drastic measures to keep them from leaving. I can be syrupy sweet, but there's no real feeling or attachment behind it. But once either of us has moved on, I stop caring and find the next one.
blank
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 394
Joined: Sun Jun 25, 2017 3:08 am
Local time: Thu Jul 10, 2025 4:32 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Degrees of HPD and Long Term Success

Postby Monstergirl » Mon Jun 26, 2017 4:00 pm

Thank you for that enlightening reply, Ensley. And congrats on the remission you've been experiencing. That's a great win. Therapy is the key I believe, and it sounds like yours is working very well.

I was just curious about the statement below, and was wondering if you could expand. If not, no worries, I totally understand.

"I think where the appeasing side really comes out is where I'm so afraid to lose someone,I often give in to them, or go through drastic measures to keep them from leaving. I can be syrupy sweet, but there's no real feeling or attachment behind it. But once either of us has moved on, I stop caring and find the next one."

Where do you think the fear of loss comes from if no real emotion is involved?

Have you ever felt love? Or, does this appeasing side show up after the love has dissolved (ie boredom) and you want to keep the supply close until a replacement is secured?

What was the longest relationship you have had? And did the boredom you experienced end all of them?

Thank you! :D
I'm a Non-pwHPD happily engaged to a diagnosed HPD man, looking for support and enlightenment.
User avatar
Monstergirl
Consumer 3
Consumer 3
 
Posts: 63
Joined: Tue May 09, 2017 8:13 pm
Local time: Thu Jul 10, 2025 7:32 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Degrees of HPD and Long Term Success

Postby vertices » Fri Jul 21, 2017 2:38 pm

So just so you know I've historically been a lower functioning example of this condition...

Monstergirl wrote:Can I assume there are varying degrees of HPD (like a sliding scale?)


Yes, everything in life is on a sliding scale.

My man definitely had major inappropriate sexual behavior ONLINE only. No confidence in person so no direct cheating.


Cheating doesn't necessarily require confidence... just so you know. Comfort zones can always be branched out of in the right circumstances.

Do you find your disorder (as a whole) lessens, stays the same or grows as you get older?


Generally personality disordered behaviors lessen with age in response to life happening and increased effects of karma

This is true in my case, more rapidly than the norm. Many personality disordered individuals will only experience minor growth until their 40s and 50s and beyond.

Does your "audience" change as you age? Meaning, a very provocative and/or good looking 25 or 35 y/o pwHPD may get more attention/sex and opportunity than a 50 or 60 y/o pwHPD. How do you cope/adjust if the audience changes or depletes?


I'm not that old but so far, yes, I have experienced a rapid decline in "audience" in my 20s due to decreased freedom, bouts of depression and then a disastrous therapy experience.

Coping with the decreased audience... in the worst times, repression of feelings altogether. Becoming numb, falling into depression and feeling ill all the time. Sleeping all day, drinking, stuff like that. Occasionally bouts of mania and getting on some tangent and then doing very socially awkward things around strangers, or otherwise falling into mysterious crises that necessitate medical attention. Spontaneously researching rare genetic diseases and self-diagnosing, stuff like that. Asking my doctors for all sorts of blood tests to confirm my suspicions.

At the very worst of the worst, just pure dissociation. Becoming a zombie and not really doing anything day after day.

Do your attention seeking methods change? (Have you ever resorted to more extreme behavior IF the amount of attention changed, or did your drive diminish if the opportunities did)?


Yes, they have just typically been whatever works. I had learned to pick apart people's psychology in search of supply. I knew exactly what they liked and accordingly, which strings to pull to keep them interested. However after I learned enough it became distasteful. I started to feel guilty and also self-conscious because I recognized that it was all just futile chasing a vanishing horizon in a bunch of empty relationships.

If you are in love (or married) do you still seek outside attention as much as if you were single or not in love?


More or less yes, and my partner knows and accepts it. I have a bad habit of not mentioning I'm in a relationship to anyone, even if things are getting involved. But I am gradually trying to become more invested in just one relationship.

Can any pwHPD tell me how they viewed their partners in the beginning? Is the routine of a single attention source the "boredom" or is it more than that?


It's just typical idealization. I'll take attention from anyone but it feels best when it comes from someone who I perceive as narcissistically superior to me. Generally I am motivated to be in a relationship with the most ideal person that I can get to fall for me. But it's terrifying to be with an ideal partner so usually I end up with someone beneath me instead. I would usually be dependent on a partner who is beneath me and maintain an interest in someone who is above me.

Are there any successful relationship stories out there?


Success is subjective. Relationships serve a purpose. It is successful for as long as it lasts. Otherwise one party would leave.

Why are you weighing the odds like this? You're just trying to convince yourself he really loves you. Because you don't really understand him.

Last question- to those with HPD who are going through therapy, what is your greatest challenge and your biggest accomplishment or breakthrough?


I was going through therapy and my biggest challenge was the compulsive desire to seduce my therapist and the intoxicating feeling of succeeding.

But that was followed by a soul-destroying feeling of abandonment and emptiness when it fell apart.

So I'm not in therapy anymore and I don't believe in it anymore. My biggest accomplishment, by far, was leaving therapy and my therapist behind. It made me a much stronger person to finally stand up for myself against what to me was an omnipotent parental figure.
vertices
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1077
Joined: Fri Sep 17, 2010 9:05 pm
Local time: Thu Jul 10, 2025 5:32 am
Blog: View Blog (25)

Re: Degrees of HPD and Long Term Success

Postby mark1958 » Fri Jul 21, 2017 6:11 pm

Vertices,

I appreciate your reply to Monstergirl. I know fielding questions from nons is not easy. Something you wrote is interesting. We receive many questions along these lines, so I wonder if you would not mind shedding some light on this statement.

vertices wrote:But I am gradually trying to become more invested in just one relationship


What have you been doing to succeed in this area?

Thank You
There are no failures, only lessons!
Resistance leads to suffering, acceptance leads to peace
mark1958
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 2392
Joined: Sat Aug 08, 2015 12:40 pm
Local time: Thu Jul 10, 2025 7:32 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Degrees of HPD and Long Term Success

Postby vertices » Fri Jul 21, 2017 9:22 pm

mark1958 wrote:Vertices,

I appreciate your reply to Monstergirl. I know fielding questions from nons is not easy. Something you wrote is interesting. We receive many questions along these lines, so I wonder if you would not mind shedding some light on this statement.

vertices wrote:But I am gradually trying to become more invested in just one relationship


What have you been doing to succeed in this area?

Thank You


Admittedly, it's really not easy. I've experimented a lot as to what could improve an unhealthy relationship. What I found was even if I try to work on the relationship, the other person will attempt to drag me back down to unhealthy patterns and then I will feel like my efforts are invisible and I will feel resentful. I spent a lot of time in a "fixing" mindset not having much success.

What's been most successful for me was basically just working on myself and being more honest. Specifically with my own needs and setting boundaries and limits and attempting to be honest with myself about how I really feel about things and what I really want or need from people.

I also stopped trying to constantly make an impression on other people and stuck to just communicating in a more factual way instead even though it meant people were less interested in me. I'm trying to earn attention from healthier sources like for my artwork and real accomplishments. I learned to go easy on myself even when I feel like it's hopeless and just to set small achievable goals.

I also started journaling a lot and that helped very much. That helped me to make important realizations that I otherwise never would have made. Just by putting all the info in one place.
vertices
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1077
Joined: Fri Sep 17, 2010 9:05 pm
Local time: Thu Jul 10, 2025 5:32 am
Blog: View Blog (25)

Re: Degrees of HPD and Long Term Success

Postby blank » Fri Jul 21, 2017 9:45 pm

Vertices, it's nice to see you're still around. :)

Journaling is helpful. It's hard to face my feelings and journaling is a way of expressing them. It helps if nothing else.
blank
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 394
Joined: Sun Jun 25, 2017 3:08 am
Local time: Thu Jul 10, 2025 4:32 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Degrees of HPD and Long Term Success

Postby vertices » Fri Jul 21, 2017 9:53 pm

blank wrote:Vertices, it's nice to see you're still around. :)

Journaling is helpful. It's hard to face my feelings and journaling is a way of expressing them. It helps if nothing else.


Wow I could say the same to you, it's been years :o

Tbh I didn't read your username in your last post! ahhhh. But you seem well? :)
vertices
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1077
Joined: Fri Sep 17, 2010 9:05 pm
Local time: Thu Jul 10, 2025 5:32 am
Blog: View Blog (25)

Re: Degrees of HPD and Long Term Success

Postby blank » Fri Jul 21, 2017 10:46 pm

But you seem well? :)


^^ Yeah, considering. :)
blank
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 394
Joined: Sun Jun 25, 2017 3:08 am
Local time: Thu Jul 10, 2025 4:32 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Degrees of HPD and Long Term Success

Postby xdude » Sat Jul 22, 2017 12:42 pm

Hey vertices,

Awesomesauce!

Really good to see you have taken the 90 degree step, old habits die hard.
We do NOT delete posts

Read the forum rules before posting here. If you are having any doubts about what you are posting, if you are thinking in the back of your mind, "I am going to want to delete this, or these details, later", remove those details, or step back and don't post until you are sure.
xdude
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 8662
Joined: Thu Dec 23, 2010 3:41 pm
Local time: Thu Jul 10, 2025 7:32 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Next

Return to Histrionic Personality Disorder Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests