Degrees of HPD and Long Term Success

xdude wrote:Hey vertices,

Awesomesauce!

Really good to see you have taken the 90 degree step, old habits die hard.

Hi xdude :3

thank you~

(sorry I'm spamming up monstergirl's thread )

^^

No worries. I think your input is exactly the type Monstergirl is asking for. Honest stuff.

Reality is that even if someone is aware of their cluster B personality, the core reasons and reactions don't just disappear overnight.

xdude wrote:^^

No worries. I think your input is exactly the type Monstergirl is asking for. Honest stuff.

Reality is that even if someone is aware of their cluster B personality, the core reasons and reactions don't just disappear overnight.

Right this has been exactly my experience... I have understood myself quite well after WAY too much overthinking, and, I mean it didn't change or fix how I feel. My brain still lights up with dopamine every time I am paid the slightest bit of attention. It's like a drug.

I got really self-conscious about my default behaviors though.

I wanted to thank you so much for the insight, and taking the time to answer.

Like I said, he was diagnosed as "mild". But, without a comprehensive scale, whose to know what that even looks like. What is mild or extreme anyway? It's all relative.

My HPD was doing extreme online behavior while he was single for 15 years, which some of it carried over as a "safety" net into the beginning of our relationship. It's done...for now. And yes, I am FULLY aware he can flip back into it, or perhaps not. It can morph into physical cheating. Then again, anyone can cheat, PD or not. So I default to, It is What it Is. That's the best I can do=)

When I questioned about success stories, I was trying to see if anyone had an uplifting tale; something positive. Unfortunately, I see a lot of posts from Non's who had terrible experiences. I get that. It's not an easy thing to be with an HPD partner. And I hardly see posts from HPD males, so when I do see one, I really appreciate the read. Who knows, one day I may post an uplifting story, or a nightmare.


And about success. Of course long term success depends on many factors, whether a person has a disorder or not. So I do not feel as if I am weighing the odds or convincing myself he loves me. Kind of the opposite, really. I just want a better understanding. I know he loves me. I know why he loves me, and while I may not understand everything about my partner (who ever does =), I do understand him more than any other person he's ever known, because he had laid himself totally and completely bare to me. He was finally truthful.

"But it's terrifying to be with an ideal partner so usually I end up with someone beneath me instead. I would usually be dependent on a partner who is beneath me and maintain an interest in someone who is above me."

If you could explain this. Why is it terrifying to be with someone ideal, and, what else makes them ideal (Narc. Superior?) And what do you depend on from someone beneath you? (why are they beneath you?)

Thanks again for being helpful. Much appreciated.

I just want a better understanding. I know he loves me. I know why he loves me, and while I may not understand everything about my partner (who ever does =), I do understand him more than any other person he's ever known, because he had laid himself totally and completely bare to me. He was finally truthful.

You know, you know, you know, and yet you're asking here and not asking him.

Funny how people sometimes turn to the internet for things they can't get in real life

If you wanna learn about the disorder then this is pretty good: http://www.universitypsychiatry.com/cli ... _PICPs.pdf

"But it's terrifying to be with an ideal partner so usually I end up with someone beneath me instead. I would usually be dependent on a partner who is beneath me and maintain an interest in someone who is above me."

If you could explain this. Why is it terrifying to be with someone ideal, and, what else makes them ideal (Narc. Superior?) And what do you depend on from someone beneath you? (why are they beneath you?)

Thanks again for being helpful. Much appreciated.

Speaking more about the past than the present fortunately but:

By beneath me I mean when the other person is kinda not a great catch at all, they have major issues that make them not really dating material and the relationship will not require any effort on my part and I can always get what I want in terms of money/support/etc because they are constantly afraid I'll leave them. I mean, I don't seek out these relationships. They would just sort of happen to me due to bad boundaries.... I would not accept any limitations on my freedom or any real commitment to these relationships because after the initial flattery and attention I just realized I felt invisible.

Above me... they are strong in areas that I'm weak but actually want to be strong. Like anyone with a personality disorder I am afraid of the whole picture of adult life and people who are overall better at that whole picture are much less likely to buy into my unhealthy behavior. Makes me anxious but is SO desirable. I REALLY want that now. Someone SANE and STRONG and not another cluster B ###$.

Actually, WE turned to the internet. He is sitting right beside me as we read your replys. So yeah, I do know he loves me and yeah, I asked him these very questions first. And at least 3 were his questions. Lol.

At first discovering his disorder, I turned to this forum to help me understand. He is now a part of this. He's read all my posts, even when some were hard to hear. But, now he suggests questions he would like answers to.

He was only recently diagnosed with HPD as well as bi polar, anxiety and OCD. He likes to hear about successes because he wants to succeed. They're just nice to hear, and it gives people hope. He's been able to turn his entire world around on his own.


So his case does seem more on the milder side, even according to his therapist. I give him tremendous credit.

He found a lot of what you said relatable, but to a much milder degree. And some he could not relate to at all, such as the lesser relationships. He was never one to settle. He'd rather be alone than with someone incompatable.

I'm sorry to hear your attempt at therapy was so disasterous.

Thankfully his is working wonders, although he was capable of real change on his own before the therapy began. He views therapy as an enhancement to his accomplishments. So far so good.


We will check this article link out tomorrow. Thanks again!

Monstergirl wrote:Actually, WE turned to the internet. He is sitting right beside me as we read your replys. So yeah, I do know he loves me and yeah, I asked him these very questions first. And at least 3 were his questions. Lol.

At first discovering his disorder, I turned to this forum to help me understand. He is now a part of this. He's read all my posts, even when some were hard to hear. But, now he suggests questions he would like answers to.

He was only recently diagnosed with HPD as well as bi polar, anxiety and OCD. He likes to hear about successes because he wants to succeed. They're just nice to hear, and it gives people hope. He's been able to turn his entire world around on his own.

Well now I feel stupid, lol. I'm confused. It seems like you are getting all the support you need and also communicating. There seem to be no significant issues between you two. This is not really personality disordered behavior.

So his case does seem more on the milder side, even according to his therapist. I give him tremendous credit.

Y'know, I really don't think personality disorders come in "mild." Maybe the same patterns do occur on a spectrum, but the whole point of the personality disorder label is to indicate that someone is near the extreme of the spectrum. They are longstanding maladaptive coping/communication patterns in relationships. Given what you've shared, I would question the willingness of his therapist to diagnose him with a personality disorder. This picture is not adding up to me. It's not at all a bad thing, but I'm just saying. It's natural and it's a universal experience to have anxieties and issues with self-esteem and that is not disordered as long as it is addressed in a healthy way.

I'm sorry to hear your attempt at therapy was so disasterous.

Thankfully his is working wonders, although he was capable of real change on his own before the therapy began. He views therapy as an enhancement to his accomplishments. So far so good.

We will check this article link out tomorrow. Thanks again!

Good luck!

"Well now I feel stupid, lol. I'm confused. It seems like you are getting all the support you need and also communicating. There seem to be no significant issues between you two. This is not really personality disordered behavior."

Nahh, don't feel stupid. It's been an extremely painful process for us. Long story short, we are just having this level of open communication. For 6 months we went through HELL. HELL! The issues are resolving, in steps. He's getting better every day, but it's been no picnic, trust me on that. Just read my old posts. They're pretty eye-opening (he was adopted, had bonding issues with everyone, had a tremendous amount of disordered thinking/and was abused financially and sexually because he wanted friends so badly and more.)

He's also 40 Y/O and had one girlfriend his whole life. He related to the Zombie feelings you expressed, the depression, anxiety and mania- extreme behaviors for attention; his "harem" etc. That was his experience too, but he says not as extreme. As he called it, "I was Emotionally Flat Lined after two decades of trying, and failing, at love and at life."

When the doctor said "mild" he thinks the doctor meant that he's working at a higher functioning HPD/BPD, mainly because he has the ability to recognize his behaviors, and make the internal changes to self-correct. He's going to ask the doctor this Friday for a broader explanation, since he want's to know what "mild" meant too.

But, in terms of his success? He made a MAJOR effort to open up. He showed me the darkness, ALL of it, which was TERRIFYING for him and for me. So in return, I made a major effort to try to understand this disorder with love, respect and compassion. NOT an easy thing to understand, but, I feel the progress he's making is worth the risk.

And sure, I know he may just revert back, even though he says he won't. But I am strong enough I can walk away knowing I gave my all, and if he still comes up empty, so be it.

I really do thank you for your help! So does he. It helps us heal, understand and have shared experiences. He said it makes him feel better knowing he's not alone.

Monstergirl wrote:
Nahh, don't feel stupid. It's been an extremely painful process for us. Long story short, we are just having this level of open communication. For 6 months we went through HELL. HELL! The issues are resolving, in steps. He's getting better every day, but it's been no picnic, trust me on that. Just read my old posts. They're pretty eye-opening (he was adopted, had bonding issues with everyone, had a tremendous amount of disordered thinking/and was abused financially and sexually because he wanted friends so badly and more.)

Oh yeah, I used to think I must have reactive attachment disorder or something, I could NOT form an enduring attachment to anyone. If we spent half a week apart then I'd never miss them again.

As he called it, "I was Emotionally Flat Lined after two decades of trying, and failing, at love and at life."

I tooootally get that too. I didn't start improving until I reached rock bottom. There was heaven, then straight down to the 7th level of hell. Then the 6th, and the 5th. I'd say I more or less just broke out of limbo now. Maybe 4 or 5 years after rock bottom. It's like growing up again.

But, in terms of his success? He made a MAJOR effort to open up. He showed me the darkness, ALL of it, which was TERRIFYING for him and for me. So in return, I made a major effort to try to understand this disorder with love, respect and compassion. NOT an easy thing to understand, but, I feel the progress he's making is worth the risk.

Aww, that's difficult to do. Good for both of yous

And sure, I know he may just revert back, even though he says he won't. But I am strong enough I can walk away knowing I gave my all, and if he still comes up empty, so be it.

I really do thank you for your help! So does he. It helps us heal, understand and have shared experiences. He said it makes him feel better knowing he's not alone.

Again, best of luck. Now go and read that PDF.

Not like it matters. The heart will do what it needs to do to heal. That's why labels suck.

WOW. So we read the PDF. Thanks for that! At times we felt as if we needed a Masters Degree to get through it, but we did. All in all, he identified with many parts, and not so much with other things. He's really a combo platter. The main thing he enjoyed was the WHY and how he got here, to HPD.

He did speak to the Dr. About there being a sliding scale and yes, according to doc there are varied degress of this. So since my man has the ability to feel real empathy, shame, love, and can self regulate and adjust his negative attention seeking behaviors to a more positive direction such as accomplishments and goals, he does come up more high functioning.

Interesting he seemed to be a mix on the Gabbards Differentation, a blend between Hysterical and Histrionic. He has no somatic occurances, loves organization, is super dedicated to his job, never gets bored of things he really loves like movies or games, foods etc and needs to feel dependable, wanted and to be the Hero.

He is learning how to not get overly attached to people, and what the true definition of friendship is so he can make informed decisions.

He still has the most difficulty with impulse control on spending, so that part of the PDF made a ton on sense. That's been a major hurdle and he tries hard.

So, you hit rock bottom, too. That's what happened to him. He totally gets the growing up again statement, because really, thats what it is. It's a slow progression, but its progression. He says he had no idea he even had a problem because the lonliness and depression was so overwhelming he thought his behaviours were the cause. He never investigated why tho.

Anyway, thanks again for the PDF. Our brains hurt but it's a good hurt. We learned some reasons for the behaviour.

Everday is an opportunity to heal.