Desperate for some advice.

Hey guys. I really need help. Please, if you have the time in your day to help... please?

If you met me, you'd probably think I'm a fairly normal person. I can hold good conversations, connect with others and maintain a fairly comfortable environment when around those who I may or may not know. I always seem happy, probably a little too happy in fact, and I love to socialise and dance and listen to music and watch films and go to the beach and eat good food - the list could go on, but the point is you wouldn't actually know off the bat that there's anything wrong with me.

The thing is though, if you had a device that would allow you to enter other individual's minds and listen in to their thoughts, you'd probably be very apprehensive about being one of my friends.

I have what's known as "histrionic personality disorder", combined with "narcissistic personality disorder". The doctor also said that I have strong avoidant qualities within myself although it's not enough to diagnose me as such - after all, nobody likes talking about their past.

Histrionic personality disorder is basically a mental illness that derives from a lot of harboured self hate and inadequacy. Developed from an array of issues as a child, histrionic personality disorder makes me do very, very silly things in a desperate attempt for attention and admiration.

Those with histrionic personality disorder usually have a complicated relationship with their mother, studies show. Now, I love my mum and she's my best friend. But it wasn't always happy families - I've been kicked out of my house on birthdays, sent to boarding school, frowned upon and technically I was actually brought up by the education system, not her. For years I was convinced that she had narcissistic personality disorder - something both I and my uncle have been diagnosed with. I also have an estranged relationship with my father / with no child support, or general interest in his daughter.

I would lie and lie just to get any inkling of attention from my mother - which effectively manifested into my relationships with my peers. I am a compulsive liar. If I have the chance to make myself look any less inferior than I feel at that particular moment then I will lie about just as much as I can get away with. It's almost impossible for me not to.

I lie about the things I feel like I need to change within myself - such as my success, my relationships, and my past.

I lied to a man that I was seeing about a sexual assault because I'd just screamed at him for no reason and felt I needed to make an excuse for myself. I know - disgusting. You know what's worse? I kept it up - and used it again and again for the attention I felt like I lacked. I then kept it up after having a break down at my friends house because I was confronted about my self destructive personality. I couldn't tell you how many men I've slept with - and I'm definitely ashamed of it. I would binge and binge on xanax and invite any man I could get my hands on over to my house and then I would have degrading, unprotected sex with them until I made myself feel dysfunctionally better. One guy even tried to tell me that I had a problem - to which I reacted horrifically.

I've never been in a relationship because I lack the ability to love, I know that sounds crazy but I quite literally don't understand the concept of intimacy and how it works - yet if an intimate encounter of mine walks away, then I'll become incredibly depressed. Any failure that I perform will make me feel sad, hopeless and even suicidal - I'd sit in my room and cry, I'd disassociate myself from the people who've seen me fail - even blocking them on social media. My sensitivity to criticism is getting better but it still needs to be worked on.

My instagram - it's filled with selfies, anything that will get me attention including bra shots and body shots and sometimes I'll have to delete videos of me calling my followers @@@@@@@ whilst off my face on benzos.

Now / let's talk about my narcissistic qualities. I'm what you call a high functioning narcissist - I'm incredibly socially intelligent and very good at manipulating people. Although my intentions aren't usually out to hurt people, I will happily hurt someone if it means I get my own way. I will particularly manipulate someone if it gives me the upper hand in any social situation. As much as I love attention, this doesn't mean I think I'm ugly or inadequate. In fact, I have a veery grandiose view of myself - to the point it's actually quite unhealthy. I love to look at myself - and I love to show off my qualities.

I'm just wondering, anyone with the same issues and the same disorder, what have you guys been through? And how do you suggest dealing with it / I.e forming healthy relationships? Would love to exchange ideas with some strangers.

Thanks. X

Hi,

This really struck a chord with me as I have only recently become aware of HPD and am currently being diagnosed. For the record, I already have epilepsy, depression and ADD...so why not one more eh?

For as long as I can remember I have manipulated peopled through gross exaggeration of the truth or downright lies and relationships have suffered accordingly. I recently had a year long relationship with a work colleague during which I continually lied with a series of fantasies in order to keep her. Eventually she reported me for harassment and I am now suspended and will probably be dismissed.

The truth is, I am a high functioning and empathetic male who is desperate for approval and attention and will take risk after risk and invent story after story to achieve my aims...whatever they are! I really hate myself for it and I've now lost the closest friend I had plus my job.

I don't know if this helps but happy to chat to anyone further for encouragement and advice