I hate myself for being HPD

For the past several months, I have thought about my HPD so much. I find out new characteristics of this PD that I identify with almost every day. Because that's how much I obsess over it, almost every day.

I decided to isolate myself from people because I feel like I don't deserve friends or relationships (I quit my job). I was reading something the other day that said that HPDs don't really feel empathy. It went on to say that we are empty, our personalities are simply constructs that change depending on who we're with. That couldn't be more true, but I never realized that until the other day.

Once I realized it, it hit me: I'M NOT REAL. My "personality" is a facade. I also don't feel like a normal person does. I don't feel genuine love, compassion, empathy; I simply ACT like I feel all those things. And if I can't feel those things, do I deserve those emotions from others? Do I deserve my family's and friends' love if I can't genuinely reciprocate it???

I hate myself more and more every day. I break down often. I think about suicide so much, but I don't tell anyone about it because I feel like I don't deserve anyone's help and I need to handle this on my own. Then I feel worse about feeling the way that I do when I think of the fact that even my "sadness" is brought on by an egocentric reason, rather than my sibling's RA dx or my friend's divorce or my other sibling's struggles financially.

I don't know what to do.

Hey Nonexistent,

Some people believe that people with HPD learned to do so because they were discouraged to embrace their own interests, thoughts, feelings (i.e., their own personality), and encouraged to 'act' in ways the parents (or others) approved of.

Question then, putting relationships aside, are there any personal interests, hobbies, non-relationship related stuff, that you are passionate about and is all you?

xdude wrote:Hey Nonexistent,

Some people believe that people with HPD learned to do so because they were discouraged to embrace their own interests, thoughts, feelings (i.e., their own personality), and encouraged to 'act' in ways the parents (or others) approved of.

Question then, putting relationships aside, are there any personal interests, hobbies, non-relationship related stuff, that you are passionate about and is all you?

Music (ukulele and singing). Sometimes I'll be out at the store or something and I can't wait to get home so I can just be alone and sing. It's one of the only things I'm confident that I can do well. I also love comedy. Not just making people laugh but laughing. I enjoy laughing and watching funny movies or videos.

Not sure if it helps, or not, but we make big changes by starting with little changes. Embrace what you enjoy, starting with that list, and over time, hopefully, add to it. Our sense of who we are starts with knowing what we enjoy, dislike, believe, etc.

That written, I do note you wrote ...

Nonexistent wrote:...I also love comedy. Not just making people laugh but laughing...

Laughing for you is something that is about who you are. So can the part about making others laugh be about you too, but the risk for someone with HPD is intertwined beliefs that are *not* true (i.e., based on disordered beliefs) such as -

I am obliged to make others laugh

If I don't do it, who else will? (implication that someone must)

If I don't, the focus of attention may turn elsewhere, including to the person's own thoughts

I am doing it for them

I am probing them to find out what they think is funny

I am not really feeling like laughing right now, but can't stop for fear of [fill in the blank]

and so on.

xdude wrote:Laughing for you is something that is about who you are. So can the part about making others laugh be about you too, but the risk for someone with HPD is intertwined beliefs that are *not* true (i.e., based on disordered beliefs) such as -

I am obliged to make others laugh

If I don't do it, who else will? (implication that someone must)

If I don't, the focus of attention may turn elsewhere, including to the person's own thoughts

I am doing it for them

I am probing them to find out what they think is funny

I am not really feeling like laughing right now, but can't stop for fear of [fill in the blank]

and so on.

Yeah, that is pretty true. I've always felt like I need to make people laugh to get them to like me. Sometimes I take it overboard. That is something to be careful with. Thanks xdude.

I can relate to some of this.

I don't feel empathy, guilt or remorse and I've ###$ over almost everyone who I got close to. In bad ways. Like where I should be in prison. Does that mean I don't deserve love or friendship? Maybe.. but most people need to feel loved and wanted. Without that, what's my incentive to try and be a better person? It's not my (or yours, in your case) that I don't feel empathy. We didn't choose that. But as long as you try to be a decent person I think you deserve credit, love and understanding for that. If not, what's the point? Can't change who we are but we can learn to choose what we do.

Dont be too hard on yourself, we all make mistakes, i think its false that histrionics have no empathy bla bla, i believe they just sense it differently.

Just realize how your behavior hurts others, you cant prevent others from getting hurt all the time, sometimes they just need to take it.
I have met a lot histrionics in my life, some why i am attracted to them, and i can see how they suffer inside.

I would recommend to just try less, histrionics, the ones i have met always want to be loved and in the center of attention. But attention usually comes with a price, its not a free thing. So next time when you are with friends stay back and listen and observe. You can be a good friend by just being relatively passive, while you stay passive you can learn the weak points of others so you wont step on them.

Lusid wrote:I don't feel empathy, guilt or remorse and I've ###$ over almost everyone who I got close to. ... We didn't choose that. But as long as you try to be a decent person I think you deserve credit, love and understanding for that. If not, what's the point? Can't change who we are but we can learn to choose what we do.

I think this can be a hard thing to accept, and I've learned to think of empathy as a kind of sixth sense (metaphor speak only). If you have it you do, and if not, well ... just as it's pointless to try to talk someone into 'seeing' if they cannot, if the empathy doesn't come naturally, no amount of beating someone up (or beating self up) will change that.

But as you wrote, it's still possible to have enough cognitive empathy to make choices that work for all involved.

p.s. Agree that empathy or not, most (not all, but most) people do need to feel loved, valued, wanted. It's a core primal thing.

Thank you Lusid, npdhouse and xdude. I appreciate your answers and to an extent I can agree. I just feel like if the love and empathy aren't genuine people will sense that. And then they won't want to be around you. And then who will you have? What love will you have? And on top of that, I just feel like I'm tired of having to fake it. I want to be normal. I want to be real. I want to have a husband someday, and love him. I want to have children, and love them. I want to feel for someone when they tell me their problems. I don't want to feel like I need to do things for attention. I want to make up for all of the wrong I've done to my family. For all the times I was selfish. I have a beautiful niece and nephew. I want them to have a loving, caring aunt. Not me.

I feel as though I'm so effed up I can't change. And I'm not worth living. All the things that I read about HPD people is that at some point they end up alone, insufferable. No one wants an HPD in their life. I've already accepted that maybe I'll be alone for the rest of my life and maybe that's for the best.

I started to reflect on some things I've done that I didn't realize were heartless. I got a girl fired because I didn't like the way she talked to me. I didn't even confront her about it. I went straight to the boss and she was fired the next day. How effed up is that? Someone lost their job because I was immature and I thought I was right. I always think I'm right. But I'm not.

I tell myself that I've changed, that I'm more of the appeasing type, so it's okay, etc. anything to make myself feel better. But I'm just kidding myself. I haven't changed. I'm still the same selfish, self-absorbed, worthless piece of crap I've always been. I tell myself I love my family. But if I do then why don't I call them? I know it hurts my grandparents that I don't talk to them but I always make excuses. Why???

I hate myself so much. I'm jealous of normal people. I want to change. I want to be fixed. I just don't think that's possible. I feel like I don't deserve my friends or family. They deserve so much better than me. I'm afraid to tell someone about any of this because I know I'll just get accused of seeking attention. I've felt suicidal (not right now, but recently). I didn't want to tell anyone because I was afraid I wouldn't be believed. People wouldn't have taken me seriously.

I binge eat as a form of self-punishment, and then I'm disgusted with myself. I know I need help but I have no insurance. No way of getting help. I'm desperate. I feel like I'm in my own private hell.

-- Tue Apr 04, 2017 5:11 pm --

Thank you Lusid, npdhouse and xdude. I appreciate your answers and to an extent I can agree. I just feel like if the love and empathy aren't genuine people will sense that. And then they won't want to be around you. And then who will you have? What love will you have? And on top of that, I just feel like I'm tired of having to fake it. I want to be normal. I want to be real. I want to have a husband someday, and love him. I want to have children, and love them. I want to feel for someone when they tell me their problems. I don't want to feel like I need to do things for attention. I want to make up for all of the wrong I've done to my family. For all the times I was selfish. I have a beautiful niece and nephew. I want them to have a loving, caring aunt. Not me.

I feel as though I'm so effed up I can't change. And I'm not worth living. All the things that I read about HPD people is that at some point they end up alone, insufferable. No one wants an HPD in their life. I've already accepted that maybe I'll be alone for the rest of my life and maybe that's for the best.

I started to reflect on some things I've done that I didn't realize were heartless. I got a girl fired because I didn't like the way she talked to me. I didn't even confront her about it. I went straight to the boss and she was fired the next day. How effed up is that? Someone lost their job because I was immature and I thought I was right. I always think I'm right. But I'm not.

I tell myself that I've changed, that I'm more of the appeasing type, so it's okay, etc. anything to make myself feel better. But I'm just kidding myself. I haven't changed. I'm still the same selfish, self-absorbed, worthless piece of crap I've always been. I tell myself I love my family. But if I do then why don't I call them? I know it hurts my grandparents that I don't talk to them but I always make excuses. Why???

I hate myself so much. I'm jealous of normal people. I want to change. I want to be fixed. I just don't think that's possible. I feel like I don't deserve my friends or family. They deserve so much better than me. I'm afraid to tell someone about any of this because I know I'll just get accused of seeking attention. I've felt suicidal (not right now, but recently). I didn't want to tell anyone because I was afraid I wouldn't be believed. People wouldn't have taken me seriously.

I binge eat as a form of self-punishment, and then I'm disgusted with myself. I know I need help but I have no insurance. No way of getting help. I'm desperate. I feel like I'm in my own private hell.

Hey Nonexistent,

HPD aside, if your outward persona is appeasing, personally I think one of the big steps I've found helpful is accepting 'I am overwhelmed by what's going on with me', now, today, this week, etc. At that point it is essential to say 'stop'; enough.

If you are an appeasing type, unfortunately the reality is many people will also respond blindly, and without empathy. What I mean is they'll gladly take what you are offering, without stopping to consider you may be burning out. Many will blindly demand more of you, until you cannot keep it up.

A therapist can help to a degree, but if you're carrying around a heavy emotional weight, dealing with that first is essential. You may well go through a lengthy period of time during which you need to withdraw from doing what others want of you, before you'll have any emotional energy left for what they want, and even then, you may not have much left to give. Nothing wrong with that.