I hate myself for being HPD

xdude wrote:Hey Nonexistent,

HPD aside, if your outward persona is appeasing, personally I think one of the big steps I've found helpful is accepting 'I am overwhelmed by what's going on with me', now, today, this week, etc. At that point it is essential to say 'stop'; enough.

If you are an appeasing type, unfortunately the reality is many people will also respond blindly, and without empathy. What I mean is they'll gladly take what you are offering, without stopping to consider you may be burning out. Many will blindly demand more of you, until you cannot keep it up.

A therapist can help to a degree, but if you're carrying around a heavy emotional weight, dealing with that first is essential. You may well go through a lengthy period of time during which you need to withdraw from doing what others want of you, before you'll have any emotional energy left for what they want, and even then, you may not have much left to give. Nothing wrong with that.

Thanks xdude. But I can't actually see a therapist. No insurance. And I can't really talk to anyone else about this (1. Because they can't help me or wouldn't understand and 2. Because I currently actually have nobody to talk to, since I've been isolating myself). So I'm on my own.

Hey Nonexistent,

I think you are showing deep strength by stopping, and taking a look at you. On the flip side, I also think for those who do have HPD, and other cluster B coping mechanisms, you've already heard the 'not good enough' messages growing up, over and over, and yet over again.

Introspection is valuable, but be careful. We cluster B types can all too easily spiral down into self-loathing that is not grounded in reality. What we do now as a adults does matter, but there is a grey area between valid concerns in the now, and self-recrimination for matters we had little/no control over in childhood past.

Unfortunately, because it is all too easy to go down that path of self-loathing, we may avoid even that look at now... it's all too easy for any sense of reasonable remorse to turn into a full on spiral down into personal hell. Support is often necessary. If it helps any, feel free to write here, but understood too if doing so triggers feelings that are just too much to cope with.

If you can, give yourself a break, for a day, or even an hour, or just a few minutes. It's just not possible to process and resolve core damage to self-esteem in a single day.

I have quite the comorbidity between ASPD + NPD quite possibily HPD. Let me give you an insight.

My behaviour, speech, drama, attention stuff is highly connected to HPD and quite frankly it helps alot in social interactions, i don't know about you but it can be an advantage, while i can't understand sadness, depression or mood swings, i can understand lack of remorse and guilt.

Who gives a xxxx? Honestly, live your life the best you can, remember, you make the choices, i don't really care what PD you got , at the end of the day you control the choices you make.

Xfact0r wrote:I have quite the comorbidity between ASPD + NPD quite possibily HPD. Let me give you an insight.

BPD + NPD co-morbidity here. Thanks to a therapist, and introspection for that honest look at self.

Agree that accepting ourselves is step #1.

Non Existent,

I agree with Xfactor... it doesn't so much matter that you HAVE HPD or cannot afford therapy. YOU control YOU. Your PD has no bearing on what you do unless YOU chose to do it. Now that you are aware, just stop and think before you act. It's basic principals your mom or grandma taught you. Stop before you act and think... is this wrong of me? And if so, don't do it.

Now that you know of HPD, you can recognize things that are your nature and know that what you do can bring hurt to people around you. If you don't want to hurt them, don't do it. If you mess up and do it anyway, and then feel bad, try and make a mends to them. But remember if you have hurt others most of your life, they might not believe you are sorry for what you are doing. So CHANGE, TRUE CHANGE, is what you have to do to help them see you are for real this time on your apologies.

When you know you are starting from ground zero with a new source and you are going down that same road, that same pattern, the same jargon or actions you normally use in the beginning to hook a new source, cut them loose immediately. YES it feels good to be wanted and needed and loved, but you know going into it, they are not someone you would even want or want to keep in your life as a love, so stop it before it gets started.

You do NOT have to have therapy to know what you do is wrong nor do you have to have therapy to FIX YOURSELF. Wrong is wrong and you know it. If you suffer from depression then do things that help you be better if you can't afford medication. Adding more pain and suffering will only cause your depression to worsen. The more positive things you do for yourself and others, the better you will feel about yourself. Always try to improve yourself every day. Nothing more you can do. Just don't use the excuse that you can't get better if you don't have therapy. Not to knock the profession, but a lot of counselors, therapists, and doctors of the psych world went into those professions because they were messed up themselves. They got better so they wanted to help people. Some get better AS they are helping people. They can't fix YOU. Only YOU can do that.

Much luck to you...
S

My HPD ?ex? would sometimes say, before I met you I was happy. 'I just did what I felt like without thinking about it.'

This is of one of those fundamental quandaries. Being happy sounds like an important pursuit, but... She actually doesn't care for others just doing what ever they feel like, and so while that approach worked, it only worked if that rule applied to her only.

She comes back, maybe, because she now also sees there is much more to being human than just being 'happy'. It may have been a former moderator here, masquerade, who wrote it's like going through life only eating vanilla ice cream, and missing all other flavors and experiences. Rich experiences aren't always happy ones, but likewise, those other emotions aren't so scary after all.

I suspect for some with HPD, the deep seated belief "I am just going to be happy" is like a mantra, but it's a big world, and there is much more out there, including those deep connections with others. To have those, a pursuit of instant gratification only gets in the way of something even better.

Hey! I just thought I'd post an update. I'm doing well, right now. I haven't been experiencing the self-loathing and depression that plagued me previously. I'm doing what I can to be a better person. I'm recognizing that it's not entirely my fault I turned out this way, but it is my fault if i remain this way. If that makes sense. I'm also seeing the things that I do have to offer. I have talents and contributions I can be making to my community, and maybe even contributions on a larger scale.

I think I just needed to take a break from all of that deep introspection. It was hard on me, and I wasn't used to or ready for that. I think I did enough reflecting for now to be able to make some small improvements, take it little by little. Anyway, thank you all for posting and helping me out. Much appreciated.

Definitely no rush to 'fix' anything. 99% of it just comes down to 'is the arrow pointed in the direction of change?' vs no awareness. The rest just takes time.

xdude wrote:Definitely no rush to 'fix' anything. 99% of it just comes down to 'is the arrow pointed in the direction of change?' vs no awareness. The rest just takes time.

Of course. Thanks xdude.

Dear, I am a Histrionic diagnosed from a psy after I went to the court for getting separated from my husband and the adversary lawyers menaced me to take my daughter out of me.
I can tell you something quite important to me.
Depression and desire for disappearing from earth is very common to all of us with such trouble but we must remember that our condition was built in the past, in our past, so that we were victims of systems of education and of principles that were not our principles because we didi not have the time to grow out our decision our real character, even if we never showed that to anyone, not even to us we will never! So, for having been to much generous, because HPD is a person that gives instead of taking because he doesnt love himself finally, so, for having been so generous even wrngly eevn with so called mistakes, shouls we desappear from earth only because we are not genuine? what is genuine, the one that is well in a couple with a good job, with a perfect all?...He is a stratega more than the mask we wear to hide our pain . It is true we kill we do not consider the other but we are the ones ready to give love for free just to gratify ourselves but to strenghen the other. our importance is to strenghen the ones that will encounter us, to give them a lesson of life even by being strong and apathic . So please consider your worth each of us is a part of the mosaic with negative nd positive effects. a big wish for your improving with our H disturb.