new member drama time doesn't exist

Good afternoon everyone, English is not my native language, so I apologize in advance for any mistakes.
I want to start by telling some behaviours that I've had since I was a kid:
-I used to cry over everything, and my parents pleased me.
-Always felt like I'm not here, like my mind was floating.
-I used to move my hands a lot, like I couldn't be sit still, imagine you are playing with bongos (my legs), and that's how I moved them.
-When I'm under stress I tend to talk during my sleep with my eyes open, even to sit to turn lights on or hold a phone. Then I "wake up" and realise I've been like that for hours 8 (dry mouth and eyes).
-I can't tell time, one hour, two hours, three months, 4 years, is all the same to me.
-I have a really hard time remembering dates, numbers, or even instructions. But I can remember places or sensations perfectly.-mood switching

I can be perfectly happy 15 minutes and then feel the worst; I am so lovely with complete strangers, need approval for every action that I do. I cry over stupid things so people pity me. I'm embarrassed to admit that I "invented or exaggearated" my ownself to make other people pity even if they were in worse circumstances (disabled, single mothers, indigenous communities) or the opposite I talk I'm the best I'm so great you will see I'll be ____________ (inser at least 7 careers) to my friends and family.

if you want more details, please ask. I wonder if there are any means to control these mood switchs, and to have perception of time. Thanks for your time, regards!

ADHD?

dibita wrote:ADHD?

Hi, Yes, that's what my mother and psychologist assume.

I feel always floating, like "there is something that I have to do..." and hours later when someone reminds me I do it.

That's one thing, the other is that I don't perform well except if someone is watching me (my parents, bf, sis, recently met new people), besides that is like I'm dumb. When I try to remember something to self study I can't do it, mind is completely blank. if My dad or sister are watching or a friend is , everything comes naturally, numbers, dates...but I can't alone. Everytime I meet someone new I get sparkles, I admire that person obsessively and want to become like them, hence, so many hobbies and activities. And a childish behaviour that I don't control, just hours later I try to remember (or what someone told me that I did).
I love kids and my friends, but when I'm not the center of attention I find them annoying, and I question myself what's going on?
Any clues?

Hey kittenegg,

We would only be guessing, we cannot diagnose here, and we aren't qualified to do so.

That written, you wrote about strong and swinging emotions, losing track of time, exaggerations to influence others actions/reactions, and emotions that are strongly swayed by the person/circumstances of the moment, and more. Those are some of the types of experiences people with HPD have written about here, though again we can only guess, and the usual applies, any chance of speaking with a therapist?

Diagnosis aside, big kudos for the self-awareness, not everyone can make that mental leap.

Thank you for your answer xdude, I'll go to the doctor to discard any biological deficiency. I also wanted to ask about fantasies, when I'm not in control I tend to fantasize over every quality or attitude that someone else has, in those I'm the best version and superior to everybody. Of course they don't have any logical reasoning, but leads me to search activities or to do actions that don't have anything to do with what I wanted/needed to do that day. Whenever I'm not in control, I avoid doing my responsibilities by eating, talking to someone, or toilet needs . It's childish. That constant seek of approval and the lack of common sense while I'm in a thrive leaves with the sensation that I need to do something, what was it?

Hey kittengg,

Not sure if this applies to you, but one theory is that cluster B types form their coping mechanisms in part (maybe great part) to cope with growing up in families that are chaotic, aggressive, have a parent that has their own cluster B issues, etc.

For some this can come in the form of feeling they are responsible, and internalize (perhaps BPD types)

For some this can come in the form of turning off, and out (perhaps AsPD types)

For some this can come in the form of trying to live up to lofty goals and competing in tangible ways (perhaps NPD types)

For some, they cope by being appeasing, or being the center of attention. There is the self-esteem boost of approval aspect, but I believe that's only part of it. Keeping others focused on self is a form of keeping control. It's a mechanism to 'steer' what others are thinking, and doing. Another way to say it is, If they are busy focused on me/us, they aren't off doing something (or thinking something) I/we have no control over.

Thank you, I think the case is the last one. Last year I had this fantasy that I with no economic means or talent I'd go to France and be a famous actress. I quit contact with almost all of my friends, to begin my "new life", now that that storm isn't on my head I'm thinking what I've done. Even if I want to visit them I have no idea of what to say, I feel how my brain is saying to me if it isn't impressive it isn't worth saying. So, I stay home. Are there any ways to control these thrives? Some books tgat I could read ? as far as I know, there aren't any specialist of this topic, and if there are probably they are really expensive. Thanks in advance

Hey kittengg,

Some people with HPD here have written about going through 'manic' phases, and during those times run away thoughts and feelings of anything is possible, etc.

I have no idea if what is behind that is physiological (i.e., biology), psychological, or some of both. Seeing a physician to rule out the former is of course a reasonable thing to do, though doctors may misdiagnose too.

What is maybe most difficult about manic phases is they are so enjoyable, the person may not want to change that, even if those times are often followed by a crash of depression. Stability, peace, while something most of us want, can be difficult those of us with cluster B personalities, especially if tranquility ends up with old painful emotions bubbling to the surface.

Yes, it was an euphoric phase. I think I never was so happy. And now reality strikes back to me feeling that I was crazy or that I'm worthless. I feel a distrust to my own mind, my thoughts, memory and actions.

eu·pho·ri·a - a very good word to describe it.

It's something you needed at the time, and made sense when it did.

The only thing I can add is that if you are suffering from the core self-esteem damage many people with cluster B personalities often suffer from, working on healing that tends to make the want for equally over-the-top euphoric experiences less wanted.