HELP FOR A HISTRIONIC!!!

Hi I am really upset and distressed at the moment. Everyone is saying histrionics can't love etc and it's made me so depressed! I look at my mum interact with her partner and she's so caring and loving and I am just so jealous of that I've been with my current boyfriend for 3 years.. I've never cheated although I always seek attention when I'm out at clubs by pretending I'm on drugs or really drunk etc but I'll never dance with a guy and if I slip up and do that I'll feel horrible the next day but the issue is I don't really care about he's needs.. he says I do but I'm just so confused. It's usually all about me and I expect so much from him and I just wish so bad I could be a normal loving girlfriend to him but I'm not. I'm so angry at my therapist it's so obvious I have a disorder but nobody will diagnose me because my GAD (generalised anxiety disorder) it's so bad they are all saying my problems are stemming from that and from trauma. This is how I behave : from 10 I used to control my best friend and make her only play with me if she played with anyone else I would be so upset and heartbroken.. at 12 when I began high school I lied I made up a whole new persona telling everyone I got into fights I had Pets I didn't have I had a sister (I don't) that my brother beats me up (I don't even have a bro) I even went as far as to tell people my dad was sick to get attention and sypathy.. I got a boyfriend at 14.. he noticed scars on my arm and hugged me and gave me so much empathy this made me feel amazing so I immedly started suicidal threats every single day.. I wrote suicide notes I did videos I cut my own head did bruises on my body pretending I lived in terrible home life with an abusive mum etc (I never said that I just acted like it by drawing bruises then saying oh idk I just fell in a tone that was suspicious so he would care) he eventually left and I was heartbroken and obsessed over him for years.(around this time there was self harming behaviours all over social media and all my friends did it which got me started on it then I couldn't stop because him caring made me feel important) Then I got over it.. I met my next boyfriend who I am with now I never ever did the suicide threats again but what I did was make fake accounts of girls to try and get him to be unfaithful so I could be the victim (he never did) I always tested him.. I would try and make him jealous and just awful things like that. I do things all the time like if I'm out and see an attractive group of men I'll have to pull over and walk past to get a "coffee" just so they will notice me? I always do scenarios in my house when I'm alone of situations where my ex is there and something happens and he gives me attention. I'm relatively quiet but lately I'll start drama and fights when I'm out just for attention... I have scenes and my boyfriend has some anger problems if he ever causes a scene in public that makes people look at me I get sooo embarrassed I hate being centre of attention but I just need to be noticed and crave sympathy and crave that feeling of being cared about or a victim? I'm also super controlling and manipulative always saying no to my partner when he wants to go on bux weekends and whenever he goes out to clubs it angers me. I have had the same best friends for years who I love. I'm really upset because it says this disorder begins in adulthood and I'm only 19 and don't want to suddenly change and become a different person and have all my family hate me and suddenly become unaware of my actions ?!!! I don't want to lose my self awareness. I really really want help I hate being this way I want to love and care for others without jealously or control or the need for the #######4 drama to prove they care but I can't without a diagnosis and nobody will give me one. Someone please help but I can't handle anyone critiquing my behaviour - I accept full reponsibility and have beaten myself up enough about it. Please only constructive responses as I'm so upset with the damage I've caused and don't want to be here if I can't be helped. Thanks in advance

-- Wed Mar 08, 2017 3:27 pm --

A bit of insight is the reason my therapist won't diagnose me is because I had bad anxiety at one point where I was convinced I had aspd then schizophrenia then bipolar so now she just thinks it's the hypochondria and not HPD. (I am diagnosed with anxiety and OCD)

Can someone please help I don't want to kill for attention or ignore my kids needs just to be noticed I would rather die

First of all, paragraphs. Not being a dick, many of us have trouble paying attention to things and breaking a post into paragraphs makes it easier and also happens to be easier on the eyes.

Two things. 1. You are aware of these behaviors and distortions in how you experience things, this is a VERY good sign. Especially at your age. 2. You see the distress you cause and that you might cause and you want to stop. Also VERY good. But I think that some of us might, when we see such things and NEED to stop, catastrophize our "evil" tendencies and react quite frankly like children experiencing powerful remorse and sympathy for the first time.

Its actually kind of funny that we can be so bad at guilt then be crushed by seeing the pain we've caused or just imagining it. Guilt seems to be uselessly exaggerated OR nearly nonexistent. Either way it is not nearly as useful as remorse.

I'm 37 and about 6 years ago was the first I noted oddities in my interactions with the opposite sex.

One of my best friends I met when she was 18. And she was like you becoming aware of such distortions. Clinicians are, sadly, adherents to not their academic training but to stereotyped labels. Having gotten "beyond" the basics these labels function as simplified heuristics that offer the promise of being seen as competent without having to work at it. You have a lesser degree of HPD pathology, though likely enough to warrant a diagnosis and appropriate treatment.

Personally I had to disengage from therapy after I realized I was histrionic, because I knew I couldn't stop myself from being symptomatic in a 'relationship' with a therapist because they are there for me... And it is not expected that I should consider their needs. Real relationships have many potential dangers, but the FACT that we have top consider others is something that can help us move toward healthy.

I hope you do not find any of this invalidating.

To get the most if these forums there are a couple things you can do. Read the stickys to acquaint yourself with some basics. And knowledge really does help with learning to manage this pathology and in healing. Also, again not trying to be a dick, paragraphs. And the practice of containing and expressing distressful intense emotions that you might get from writing out a rough draft then structuring it so as to more effectively communicate is itself useful. Sounds insulting maybe but expression and CONTAINMENT are incredibly useful on escaping or fixing conflict.

I've found that working hard to understand others, not just to be understood, especially is I am caught up in seeing things through just my needs, incredibly useful.

Awareness is a wonderful first step and is quite promising. You have much hard work ahead of you and you'll have more help than you might anticipate.

THank you yes I wrote that totally in emotion and didn't even re read it so I apologise for that. I seem to have sympathy 24/7 but empathy not really - I don't really care about people's feelings if I get benefited which is upsetting. I've been in therapy for 6 months and get refused diagnosis because.

1. I am not sexual at all although I'm had a relationship for 3 years.. I could never cheat without feeling awful guilt and hating myself so this wouldn't be an issue.

2. I like getting attention but I hate it when everyone's looking at me rtc I will most likely target someone I find attractive etc to get the attention I would hate a full room to be staring at me and if my
Boyfriend ever tries to sort out arguments in public and people look at us I get super embarrassed

3. I'm not at all shallow I speak in a lot of detail and am very descriptive so they refuse to diagnose me!!

I guess my deep concern is I don't want to cross over with ASPD. I've done some pretty #######5 and manipulative stuff without considering others and I'm very concerned I'm HPD with NPD and ASPD traits.. I don't want to live like this but my addiction is strong so I'm worried if I'll put the effort in. I'm also scared to have children there's been stories saying people with HPD could kill there children and anyone in there family for attention and I would hate to turn into a monster that could do this!!! I also have OCD and anxiety so it probably adds but I will not take meds for this as I'm scared when the meds fix anxiety I'll be a terrible person I just don't want to be evil and that's all I feel.

If you are capable of sympathy then it is likely you can learn empathy. It is in there but NOT letting ourselves feel it leaves us free to utilize certain defensive mechanisms and behaviors that seek what we think we need.

Control. Is necessitated by insecurity. Identify controlling behaviors. Try to stop. If you find you CAN'T as I did at first, be easy on yourself. Don't stop fighting. If you need to control to get what you need, then this means that someone must not value you enough to choose on their own to be attentive to your needs. This is not a useful belief and it is fed, made stronger by controlling to get something. If you look at what those controlling behaviors are there to get for you AND try to stop? This negative belief will become weaker. It is one side of an internal argument called ambivalence.

Starve thing. Track things hunting stratagems, what it is hungry for, where it hides. Try to find HEALTHY ways to get what it needs. Journaling is useful.

For me the need of comfort drove my most emotionally sadistic seductiveness. The rule is "Ask Simply". ESPECIALLY when you can feel the need to manipulate for something, try to give someone the chance to choose on their own to give it to you. Don't expect them to read your mind... Been a thing for me. Don't try to use sympathy or guilt or obligation or promises or whatever emotional leverage. Let them choose. If they are attentive to your needs BY CHOICE, this is evidence that they place inherent value in your heart and would rather see you safe, contented, happy, confident, loved etc.

If you have to steal something, you can't actually hold it. At least as these matters go. I look back on the women I've seduced and extorted attention etc from and I hold nothing but remorse. The HPD engine runs on fuel injection, there.. gone... seek more. Egocentricity can act as a buffer but its not nearly as effective as as narcissists false self.