HPD and sex life

Let's talk about sex here. I've got some questions for histrionics:

- How is your sex-drive? Bigger or lower than average?
- Do you dress up with sexual appealing clothes?
- Your first time happened early compared to people of your age in your social circle?
- Have you ever used sex as a way to manipulate? If yes, this happened frequently?
- Do the people around you call you a "whore," "slut" or another adjective of the genre? If yes, do you feel bad about it?
- Do you have any STD? Which one?

DDK wrote:Let's talk about sex here. I've got some questions for histrionics:

- How is your sex-drive? Bigger or lower than average?
- Do you dress up with sexual appealing clothes?
- Your first time happened early compared to people of your age in your social circle?
- Have you ever used sex as a way to manipulate? If yes, this happened frequently?
- Do the people around you call you a "whore," "slut" or another adjective of the genre? If yes, do you feel bad about it?
- Do you have any STD? Which one?

A saying comes to mind. (Did I make it up or hear it somewhere?)

Histrionics don't take lovers, they take hostages.


I think sex is very much a way to manipulate and control people. Even if not the act of sex itself, the suggestion of it, being alluring and provocative, flirtatious, having a seductive appearance, etc., or just the mirroring aspect of it.

I encountered someone with Histrionic traits. They came on very strong to seduce me, they researched me (they admitted this) and tried to push all the right buttons, almost in a very clinical way....creepily. Like they wanted me to get me tied to them...or like....idk how to put it...they just wanted control over me. To make me a puppet.

In the end they didn't really use me for anything, aside from their own entertainment?

But..it was a confusing experience to have all my various buttons and triggers probed and pushed. It did make me feel sort of out of control. Which I didn't like. I do miss something about the interaction but overall am glad they left me alone. I don't like feeling manipulated and like someone is trying to take control over me.

I think I have some traits too, although I'm trying very hard to suppress them lately.

MotherRussia wrote:

DDK wrote:Let's talk about sex here. I've got some questions for histrionics:

- How is your sex-drive? Bigger or lower than average?
- Do you dress up with sexual appealing clothes?
- Your first time happened early compared to people of your age in your social circle?
- Have you ever used sex as a way to manipulate? If yes, this happened frequently?
- Do the people around you call you a "whore," "slut" or another adjective of the genre? If yes, do you feel bad about it?
- Do you have any STD? Which one?

A saying comes to mind. (Did I make it up or hear it somewhere?)

Histrionics don't take lovers, they take hostages.


I think sex is very much a way to manipulate and control people. Even if not the act of sex itself, the suggestion of it, being alluring and provocative, flirtatious, having a seductive appearance, etc., or just the mirroring aspect of it.

I encountered someone with Histrionic traits. They came on very strong to seduce me, they researched me (they admitted this) and tried to push all the right buttons, almost in a very clinical way....creepily. Like they wanted me to get me tied to them...or like....idk how to put it...they just wanted control over me. To make me a puppet..

Sex is a horrible experience of losing any sense that my needs matter. I've no right to feel desire and fulfill it. I'm a thing for this other person to use for their needs and I don't even have the right to stop. I call the seductive side of me "the Coquette". It takes "thralls" who live paralyzed between frustration and hope to the point of being too fearful to show too much affection because deep down they know that would make the illusion shatter for how I would react...or it would just be a futile test of the reality of my affections met with ambiguity. I don't plan it, god its a passive thing as far as effort. Automatic. Just becoming aware of it was a trip, fighting it was not passive and I lost A LOT of battles.

So.... no STDs or any of the baggage sex can bring but I still managed to make myself look like a slut. Part of that is high sex drive, even if much of that is inherent in seeking to manipulate via sexuality. There is a gravity to dress well, but it is the unwilling and frequently unaware affectation of...everything really, that does most of the work.

Happy to say I am capable of real love, desire and presumably enthusiastic and enjoyable sex. Its just that the number of women I'm capable of being attracted to in a real way is appallingly low and frankly without the HPD to "guide" me I have ZERO game.

HELP ME (NON-HPD) UNDERSTAND!

My HPD boyfriend (soon to be engaged) has a low/moderate sex drive when it comes to Physical penetration because of his fear or rejection, worry about orgasmining too soon or too late, fear he'll lose his erection and basic inexperience. But has had a hyper sex drive his whole life for masturbation (started at 8, and stayed around 2-3 times a day until his early 30's) and then it was all online activities and masturbation to men, women and transgenders over the years.

It started with not being able to find an actual connection to a women, no friends and very low self esteem (yet he is well above average looking)

Couple that with his BDSM interests and latex fetish (submissive pleasing Histrionic) depression, OCD, impulse control issues, being super gullible, having no identity of self and top that off with anxiety, he was WIDE open to anything that could give him a sense of being needed or loved. This led him into chat rooms talking any kind/age of woman- and it morphed from female only to men and homosexual online activities in his early 30's.

He would dress up in bondage gear, take pics, chat, share in rape fantasies etc, BUT, it was 90% chatting without imagery. He is not sexually aroused by men themselves and had no intention to meet or be with men. He was turned on by the attention he received from them, and even his chats weren't very sexual from what I saw. More wanting to be wanted than anything else. A lot of talk about having to please his master and so forth.

Online, he has 100% manipulated people. Play acting to get attention- sending people pictures of himself for attention (naked, in fetish gear, cross dressed fetish gear etc) based on his audience. Again, for the attention. Not for the sexual thrill so much. He said he got addicted to the attention and would do anything for it. And he did.

It breaks my heart, really.

I really have never heard of such extremes, and am proceeding with caution of course.

He and I have a semi-normal sex life, since he is finally understanding what it is to be loved and to love, and that he is allowed to experience pleasure and not be a "servant" all the time. The BDSM does kick in once and a while where he insists he would love to lick my boots, but the dynamic has shifted. He talks during love making. Saying how he loves and needs me, how he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and becomes loving and emotional during orgasm.

I love him but the behavior is a bit confusing.

He has no STD's. I had him tested. He HAS taken lie detector tests to prove his sexual past/preferences (HIS IDEA!!) to prove he has left that life behind, and even though he was terrified, he has passed them all.

His first time to have sex was actually later in life- 3 one night stands in his 20s with girls. Then nothing again until his mid 30's when he got a cold fish girlfriend who had no interest in sex. And one one night stand with a girl he really liked when that relationship dissolved. In between he fooled around with a lot of women with no physical preference, but never had intercourse because he said that was "special." And when he tried with most women, he would have "issues." He was so worried about pleasing them he would lose his erection, then it became a self fulfilling prophecy.

I don't know how else to assist him. He has gone to therapy sporadically since he is trying to find someone he likes and will have an official diagnosis at the end of this month by his new Doctor.

Has anyone heard of Histrionics changing sexual orientation for attention?

Hi Monstergirl,

I am guessing, just based on my experiences, but for people with HPD it's often not sex that drives them, well no more or less than anyone else. The poster above explained a key point...

sibrii wrote:I think sex is very much a way to manipulate and control people. Even if not the act of sex itself, the suggestion of it, being alluring and provocative, flirtatious, having a seductive appearance, etc., or just the mirroring aspect of it.

Sex is a horrible experience of losing any sense that my needs matter. I've no right to feel desire and fulfill it. I'm a thing for this other person to use for their needs and I don't even have the right to stop.

I've been very close to someone with HPD for many years and I can tell you that what's going on is not really about sex other than it being a means to an end.

What makes this disorder difficult is when you have many people who seemingly approve of you, it's hard to stop, take a look 'I am being manipulated too', because others do use the person with HPD for what they want. It's also very hard for someone with HPD to stop, and reflect.

Self-chosen slavery to others beliefs, demands, wants, and so on is still just slavery. Eventually that bubbles to the surface too with 'don't control me, don't try to own me', but really that comes from a place of selective subjection to what others believe, need, want, for the immediate benefits, followed by loathing of self and others for the person with HPD's real needs/wants get lost again and again in trying to appease others.

I cannot thank you enough for that enlightening reply. At first I struggled with the fluid sexuality, as it was hard to understand a desire to be loved and needed so completely that anyone would go through such lengths for attention.

The good news with my HPD is he is in therapy. He wants to change. He craves normalcy and love and compainionship, no different now than anyone else.

He stopped all online activities months ago, and had at this point, no desire to return to it. He confesses the largest hurdle for him is the imulses to shop and spend. I assume his therapist may try medication. But as far as the sexual attention online, he says it was fueled by lonliness and depression. Since he never had a normal loving relationship i beleive that.

Hey Monstergirl,

If you continue your relationship with him, it is for your own good to learn who he is. It also remains okay though that you feel hurt by his expression of sexuality with others. You are feeling a very normal human reaction, and also he feels the same, he doesn't cope with his lover being sexual with others any better than you do, and arguably worse.

I remember very well the conversations with woman I became close with, and discussing flirting. Yes she enjoyed it, but she actually didn't enjoy it if I did. This is why it's 'disordered' thinking, since it only works if it applies to self, but not if it applies to others. It's perfectly fine if you enforce what you need too.

Stick with that; he may or may not adjust, but you do him or you no favors if you lose yourself in this relationship. Likewise it does him no good if you simply agree even though every part of you is disagreeing.

You have been a wealth of information for me. As I journey deeper into this relationship, I can see certain "things" or behaviors you have described. I have seen the "actor." I have seen the ramp ups/ splitting. The rage like jealousy if a man texted me, but, he could get/send all the suggestive texts in the world. This all transpired before I broke up with him. Since we got back together (4 months now) he has stopped these and his online sexual behaviors altogether. He says that's been pretty easy, since he knows I really love him and what loss feels like. He says before we broke up, he was still very guarded. Not now. The shopping part is harder for him at this point, but we work on that together.

I am 9 years older than him; more experienced and I pay great attention to detail. When we first started dating, I knew something was "off." I did lose myself as you said, but only for a very short while. Once I recognized something nefarious was happening online, and why, I promptly ended the relationship. I let him know the break up was a direct result of his online behaviors, and that they were unacceptable to me.

Funny thing is, in retrospect, he immediately posted on Social media that he was a "scumbag with an online porn addiction and he needed time to get his life together." I realized that was done to garner attention and sympathy. He minimized his behaviors/culpability. I saw the responses of his "friends" telling him "porn is not cheating," and, "I must have low self esteem to break up with him over porn." He didn't correct them. He was actively having online sex with anyone. The outpouring of response from his "harem" was expected. The PD was in full swing, and I assume the positive attention made him feel less responsible and guilty.

But, he was responsible and he did feel guilty. After laying face down and crying on his carpet for 5 hours, and texting his dad at 2 am that he needed professional help because "(She) and I are over, Dad. I effed up so bad and lost the best thing that ever happened to me. I stopped certain behaviors but didn't realize it wasn't enough. I am not a good person. I am a disappointment. I need help." My boyfriend started looking into counseling that night.

He now knows what is "acceptable" and what is not. I will not, and do not tolerate certain behaviors. He knows there is a direct consequence to his behaviors and is terrified to lose me again. He once told me he learns by example, not by "threats" and that losing me was the most horrifying wake up call. He also says he can never go back to that online life because he is so ashamed of himself.

I can say the man now is totally different than before. For now, he is focused on us instead of everything else. He's always been a gentleman, attentive, adoring, loving, helpful and caring, but now it's all the time. This seems more authentic.

But I also know he is 100% human. He will make mistakes. He may back slide. He may or may not get better or even want to in the long run. It's a gamble, but, I am willing to see it through.

I think, THINK, the person he is now is more genuine to his real self. When the "actor' comes out, I can identify it instantly. I ask a lot of questions about how he feels. He likes to answer them and self evaluate; someone is interested in him and it's a positive way of getting attention. He told me two things recently that stood out.

1. He feels more like his old self, like when he was young, before all the game playing and major attention seeking behavior ramped up in his 20's and 30's. This is the first time in his life he feels real happiness. he feels like someone needs him other than work. He has purpose.

2. He could never separate love and sex, and that is why he never really had intercourse with anyone, because he knew he'd become hopelessly attached, so it was better not to do it.

Both of those statements I believe. As far as our future? He moves into my house in 17 days. This will show me more. He bought me an engagement ring and will propose I assume in October (when we met)

It's always a risk to love. It may not work out. Or, it may.

But if I see him reverting back to his "old" ways, I will leave him. And I will do so with ease. He knows I mean it, too. Not everyone can be saved, and some don't want to save themselves.

And I am not here to be his savior.

The PD is him. Not person A and person B. Thanks to you I know they are the same. And that has been a real eye opener. I am cautious. I am also very strong and independent. If I have to go, I will.

Monstergirl wrote:...And I am not here to be his savior.

The PD is him. Not person A and person B. Thanks to you I know they are the same. And that has been a real eye opener. I am cautious. I am also very strong and independent. If I have to go, I will.

Good to read. Both are essential to know and embrace if you continue.

The first because it's not good for you, or him, to try to be his fixer, savior, guide, therapist, etc.

The second, absolutely. We can drive ourselves mad when we split our partner into some imagined idealized person A, and think the B part is something/someone else. It's all him. That doesn't mean he cannot grow, but he also cannot simply will away his inner 'demons' (metaphorically speaking, and lacking a better word), and there are no magic words or actions that are going to result in 'I see now, well my self-esteem issues are all behind me - thanks!'. It's just not possible for anyone to do that. It takes a lifetime for a PD to form; he'll spend the rest of it his lifetime living with that too, growing, changing, or not, his choice.

Ahhh, my Appeasing HPD's inner Demons. About those Demons. He moved in last week. And I find this morning that he tossed most of his BDSM gear and latex in the trash. I need to express myself here. I'm choking back worry.

To backtrack, before the move, I asked if he was brining his latex. He said he wasn't sure because it may be a trigger that could lead to other unsavory things, so, probably not.

But, he brought it.

So yesterday I asked why he brought it to my house if it was a possible trigger, and he said it wasn't a trigger. Now, either he lied about it being a trigger, or realized upon seeing and handling it, that it was not. He told me he kept a few pieces in case I wanted him to dress up. Now, here's the thing about that. A good portion of what he had left was what he wore when he was cheating online with all the men, trans and women the first 4-5 months of our relationship.

Not to be a baby about it, but, that would bother the hell out of me. I can't help it. So, I simply said he was welcome to keep his latex if he loved it, but, please don't wear it for me because I wouldn't enjoy those pieces, knowing what they were used for.

Then he says we can buy new stuff together, IF HE wants to dress up in the future, and maybe he wasn't as into it as he thought. Fact is, our whole relationship he never actually did wear any of it around me. So, why would he say in case I wanted him to wear it? Any time I asked if he wanted to "play" in the past, he declined, except 3 times. So I feel maybe HE wanted to keep it, or, he thought I'd like him in it.

But, he threw most of it out last night. Didn't announce it; I just opened the outdoor trash today and saw the bag there. I said nothing...yet.

Did he do that to be appeasing? Probably.

Did he toss it because he never thought it would bother me, and when I told him it would, he didn't need it? Maybe.

Am I reading too much into every little gesture because he's HPD? Definitely.

Fact is, I'm so confused about my own inability to distinguish between whether or not he's accepting the therapy and wanting to be a good partner (which he says it is), or, if it's just the appeasing HPD doing what he THINKS he should do in a relationship. Like mirroring? I am SO baffled by this.

I know there is an undercurrent inside of him. My worry is, it will just grab hold one day, and drag him back into that abyss.

He's been done with all the cheating and harem crap for 5 months now but...will it all just come flooding back? Is he just fighting nature, fighting the kink and desires to be admired by all?

Or, is he finally at the point he wants change and love and the life he said he dreamed of having, and now has?

I guess it's all locked up in that head of his and I'll never really know. Time will tell. And, although there is a greater risk in this relationship, ANY relationship can go South for any reason, HPD or not.

I'm still healing from the dishonesty and hurt that accompanied the online cheating. Is it somehow less of an infraction because it wasn't physical? Not to me. I cannot help but feel that way. And I am coming to understand so many things; how he says he didn't realize what he was doing may have been an issue. There was no introspective thoughts- just actions- impulsive and out-of-control.

But damn, he knew what he was doing was wrong, enough to hide it, so...I guess that's what you guys mean by disordered thinking?

Now, he says he can recognize triggers and urges and can stop and think first. He truly has been doing incredibly well. I have to give him credit for everything he's done to show me he's over his old life. I mean, he took 2 POLYGRAPH tests and said he will take them whenever I want in the future. You simply cannot get any more serious than that.

So, why is all the good he's done still not outweighing the bad for me? What's wrong with me that I'm still struggling 5 months later. Lord knows I try to fight those feeling back, but it's hard sometimes, especially not knowing if he's just being appeasing.

The psychologist diagnosed him as "mild" everything (HPD, OCD, Anxiety and Bi-Polar) All on the lower end of the scale, so I am more hopeful.

Sorry but I needed to vent a little....