Histrionics and Narcissists in a relationship?

Hi,

I hope I'm not beating a dead horse here, I've searched the site and not found what I'm looking for.

My boyfriend suffers from severe NPD and I am diagnosed HPD. I'm wondering if there are others that find themselves in this situation? I'd love to hear and discuss experiences and opinions.

Being HPD, I have found every man I've "committed" to in the past to almost immediately become unbearably boring and uninteresting, and only stick around to have that constant approval and love until I find the thrill I'm looking for in the next man.

In this relationship, however, I'm obsessed. I feel a constant need to appease him, while also maintaining my regular control. He makes this hard, and our relationship cycles through near-ecstatic stages of "love" and horribly low periods of emotional abuse on both parts.

I almost feel that in our own crazy ways, we are perfect for each other, yet I know our relationship is not healthy. At the same time, my usual level of guilt and remorse over completely using and controlling someone is non-existent, as he is doing the same thing in another, similar way. When I win with him, it is always through a struggle; a challenge. And I feel something I'd describe as "respect" or "adoration" for him, because of his outward strength in the face of his inward weakness. His fakeness is mesmerizing.

I know I am in for a world of trouble, but I am seeing myself and another human being clearer than I have before, and honestly, the constant thrill and back and forth is addictive and gratifying, though completely vampiristic and all-encompassing.

Is anyone else dealing with this? Thoughts?

Thanks

Histrionic women will be very inviting to Narcissistic men because the way y'all get your supply will feed into the Narcissistic man's grandiose fantasies and sense of entitlement.

E.g., Histrionic woman, dressed classy but provocatively, meets N man. As with most men that she meets, H woman flirts and puts on a show. N man believes that she is treating him this way because he is special. He does not stop and think that she might do this with everyone. He is sucked in while thinking, "What excellent supply!" Ironically, the H woman in this case is also thinking, "What excellent supply!" as the N man responds like a dog to her dog whistle.

Just as you pointed out in your OP, the H woman will find it harder to devalue the N man than she does most men due to something that she can't quite put her finger on. In reality, it's probably because the N man responds to her tests in a way different from most men. E.g., H woman flirts with another guy; instead of blast texting her that night or picking a fist-fight with the dude, the N man just acts like he doesn't care and then does something later to try to re-establish control. H woman is intrigued and confuses this emotional repression and unhealthy domineering nature to be the equivalent of strength and power.

At the same time, when N man does something to trigger H woman's drama and emotions, he will then be able to use her self-esteem issues against her and convince her she is the one who overreacted. This seems to create a sort of unhealthy stasis between these two types that doesn't really exist in the typical N man / BPD woman relationship.

These relationships can last a long time. I met a Somatic N man who said his only true love was an H woman, and I met an HPD woman who was married to a Covert NPD bro for years. But what seems to be the case is that all of these relationships sounded really abusive on both sides. I'm not sure that, "stable but mutually abusive" is the best kind of relationship but, hey, whatever works. Both types thrive on drama.

It's an interesting question.

2 cent opinion is that it could work for a while, though with both of your self-esteem on the line, there are going to be lost ego battles on both sides, and at least one of you will ultimately end up reaching that point of too many battle scars behind you to carry on. Of course that happens later, and the thrill of the competition is in the now, a point in time where neither of you is deeply emotionally invested.

Odds are though, unless he is very handsome, wealthy, popular for something, etc., when it comes down to the battle of who can attract the most attention and approval from others, you will win, he will lose, so you actually already know how it will turn out. Hopefully though your goal is not to be sadistic, and there is something in this relationship beyond just who can hurt who the most.

I came across this post as I was with a N who left me for a H woman. He hoovered me back the last time a week before I found out that he is in a relationship with her. I was at rock bottom, he played with me over months. One night when I wanted to leave him, he asked me to come over as he wanted me back. He pretended like everything was fine but after he slept with me he told me that he never cared about me and that I can go home now. I feel so humiliated and now he is in a longterm relationship with this woman. He blamed me for his behaviour as 'unfortunately, I fell in love whim him' but he also told me that he will change for her as she is so special. And it seems like he has, they've been together for almost 5 years now. Is it possible that an N can stay together with a H woman forever?

Hey JessicaS,

We can only guess. I would guess they are at each other's throats often, but one thing that is not necessarily obvious is that High Conflict People (HCP, not to be confused with HPD), thrive on conflict, so even if their relationship is 'toxic' or appears so, that might be part of the attraction too, at least for a time.

Again, we can only guess, but I'd guess that eventually he is going to burn out on the relationship. If he is really NPD he is more likely to try and handle his stresses without support, and burn out before she does.

xdude wrote:that High Conflict People (HCP, not to be confused with HPD), thrive on conflict, so even if their relationship is 'toxic' or appears so, that might be part of the attraction too, at least for a time.

Again, we can only guess, but I'd guess that eventually he is going to burn out on the relationship. If he is really NPD he is more likely to try and handle his stresses without support, and burn out before she does.

i just googled about high conflict people and found it very interesting and helpful.i feel the need to express my appreciation reading sometimes in posts mods answers ,even if is not for me. but i feel i learn from this .new information

-- Sun Mar 04, 2018 5:17 pm --

of course except mods, others people answers too . it just happened to be a about hcp now my curiosity

Hey julllia,

The idea of "High Conflict Personalities" does seem to be getting more literature. Kind of funny because most of us have met HCP types, but it's getting a clearer label now. Not that labels matter much, but I suppose it helps the rest of us re-frame our thoughts like "Ah, I see now, it's not about this situation, it's that this person is just seeking conflict, and that's not for me, my next steps are..."

Shorter version - When you realize the other person enjoys conflict on some level, it makes it easier to step out of a conversation whose only real purpose is to keep the conflict level high.