Anyway, I feel like I'm a histrionic primarily because I have very poor self image (I have been told that I'm not being myself) and it seems like my poor self esteem is only based off the approval and acceptance of others. I really feel the need to have everyone noticing me, I get upset when a cute girls on campus walks past me and doesn't look at me, I feel entirely inferior to a lot of people and feel unloved and unappreciated because my friendliness isn't yielding me any friends. I feel as though I'm on the outside looking inward, I idealize and devalue some people, not as much as I used to though, I dress somewhat loud to get compliments and attention, like I'll wear a loud shirt and I always wear a colorful hat. I seem to exhibit feminine characteristics as well and I like to make people feel bad (manipulatively) when they criticize or degrade me ( I HATE IT when people do that).
I think I tend to awfulize my problems because maybe I'm dramatizing them instead of seeing how they really are, I am pretty self critical. I can be easily influenced by some people, and I am concerned that people think my emotions are shallow and not genuine. I can be very emotional at times and I just feel that people don't believe me when I try to exhibit goodwill and empathy. I don't know if I'm seductive or provocative per se but i do try to charm women when I can in the hopes that I can form a friendship/relationship with them.
The thing that gets to me the most because I feel that it happens unconsciously is lying about things to get attention and I end up just playing the victim and trying to make people feel sorry for me and opening up to people about my problems (people that I am sort of close to, not like acquaintances). It seems to happen automatically and I have trouble stopping it from happening.
I'm not looking for a diagnosis because that's not possible here, I just am very lonely and feel that I can't relate to anyone. I guess I just want anyone (hopefully some hpds) to chime in on this and maybe just give their opinions and advice. One question I do have is can a personality disorder (hpd) develop from abuse from peers in adolescence or is it always a childhood event? I remember when I was young (like 5) I always loved getting sympathy and being nurtured. My father didn't spent a whole lot of time with me, my mom was my primary caretaker. Maybe that could explain a lot. If you need more info to get a better understanding please don't hesitate to ask!
Much love.
