So I guess this is my life...

Hi everybody. I just registered for psychforums. Before today I had never even heard of HPD (so no, I don't have a diagnosis) but I'm 100% certain that HPD defines my life.

Background: My parents were/are not loving. I'm a theatre actor (female) and was paraded around as a kid (I called myself a jukebox) but I was never given any kind of real love, just "hey, look what our kid can do!" I'm an only child and my mom is severely emotionally abusive--she used to think I was trying to get my dad sexually involved with me or something (which, despite the symptoms, I NEVER went there even a little bit, that's gross). Anyway, she was very jealous of me in every way and took great pleasure in thwarting every romantic relationship I ever had as a teen and young adult--she would still do this if I gave a darn about her opinion. My dad has been depressed pretty much forever, maybe since I was 7 or 8. They are still together and she claims Dad calls her "amazing," but every time I see them he seems as controlled and miserable as ever. They live in the same town as me but we are not emotionally close.

I got married at 20 (he was 23) and by 22 he had begun cheating and moved out of our house. I had become such a weeping mess that I diagnosed myself with BPD at that time and moved back to live with my parents. He said that he didn't have a choice but to cheat on/leave someone as disgusting as me... and, emotionally speaking, I was pretty disgusting, so I very much believed him. When I began therapy during our separation, after a few weeks my therapist said "there is absolutely no question of you having BPD. You don't have it, period. Your husband is a classic narcissist." and gave me some books to read, notably "Help! I'm in Love With A Narcissist!" They were spot on. It was a great relief.

Now, 4 years later, I'm in a 2-year relationship with a wonderful man. I mean WONDERFUL. We plan to be married next year (that is, if our fight today didn't screw absolutely everything up). I act out with him all the time, and usually I don't know why. He gets frustrated because I need so much attention. Like, I want him to text me 3,000 times a day... I want him to look up from whatever he's doing whenever I walk into a room and completely focus on me. I expect him to never say anything that will remotely put me on edge, and I often dissolve into stupid tears that won't stop, no matter what I do. I describe the feeling to him as being pulled under a wave and rolled in the ocean... I know I should be able to put my feet down and stand up, because the water is only a foot deep, but I'm being tossed around, and I can't find "normal" when I'm sad.

Last night/this morning we had a huge fight, tipped off because I was pouty after we went out to eat last night and he innocently said "Gosh, you're never happy. It's so tense, being around you lately." I flipped out! Oh, you don't love me, I'm a drag, you don't like being around me, how do I know you'll never leave me after a comment like that? There was this awful TWO HOUR period of "no, don't go home, oh please stay, GET OUT, I don't want to be here, I'll never leave you..." puke. He stayed the night. This morning it was something else... we had a nice breakfast (I don't have classes until the afternoon on Fridays, and he has Friday mornings off work) but then he wasn't focusing on me enough and I freaked out again. It just *hurts* so badly that I can't not act out. Until today I thought these emotions were normal. I thought he was shortchanging me time and affection. Anyway, lots of hurtful words were thrown around (from him to me--I had gotten him so riled up by that point). I'm just really glad my neighbors didn't call the police, we were screaming I threw water on him! I don't even know why I did that!!

I just started back to college after a few years off (I'm a junior) and I've been haunted by several other questions lately, such as
1. Why do I have the need for ALL of my male professors to want to sleep with me? I don't even want to sleep with them! I just want them to desire me.
2. Why am I always the loudest, most talkative member in every one of my classes? Why can't I shut up even when I know it's not my turn to talk?
3. Why do other people perceive me as fake or attention-grabbing, when I'm feeling every one of my emotions so deeply and genuinely?
4. Why can't I go about normal everyday life when I'm sad towards my partner? Like, I will have a toddler's crying fit. Animal noises. It's ugly. I have described myself as feeling like a baby who cries to be picked up, but no one ever picks me up. However, even when they try to I can't feel loved in the moment.

I thought my emotions were normal. It's a total relief to know that they're not. But how do I deal with the pain that makes me act out? I can't *not* feel it. I don't know how. I have a complete inability to tell myself "It's not that big of a deal, just go on with your day." I become crippled by sadness or anger. Not often, but often enough that there are people who have stepped back from friendships with me because I'm just too much. I have always known I am more intense that 99% of the people around me.

I don't want to be doomed with my partner. I want to do what it takes to change. But I don't know how.

Hey nc,

just chiming in for giving my 2c as a person who had a 1.5 years relationship with an HPD/BPD sufferer...

First of all, my congratulations for having the courage to look at your own behaviours and thoughts...it takes lots of introspection what you wrote. Let me just say that most BPDs or HPDs don't realize that, perhaps, there's something wrong...and even more improbably, more rare are the sufferers that are able to pinpoint dysfunctional behaviours, like you did. It is, indeed, a huge thing, the first step needed to improve.

Now, keeping in mind that we're not professionals and we can't give diagnoses, from what you wrote, all the symptoms seems to indicate quite intense HPD traits, so I think you're absolutely on the correct path. Also, did you know that often HPDs and NPDs (like your ex) tend to attract each other? Other food for thought...

In these cases, the best course of action is to go to a psychologist and discuss these issues...if you'll be willing to follow seriously a therapy, your life is going to definitely improve.

As a final note, I refer you to a very interesting book chapter that talks about HPD, it may give you further material to ponder on.

http://www.universitypsychiatry.com/cli ... _PICPs.pdf

Hey ncsoprano,

I think you are now asking the right questions. Not just how do I feel, but why? However sometimes the answer is essentially simple...

If you have had your core self-esteem damaged as a child, as you have, then the 'bedrock' of our sense of self is always going to be a painful one. Facing this, accepting this about ourselves is key. There is a positive side though too. That core sense of hurt can either be a ghost we constantly try to cover up and avoid (e.g., through drugs, attention seeking, external validation, etc., all of which may provide a bit of temporary relief, but no longer term change), or... it can be the platform on which we build a truly strong character. Why?

Having a well built-up sense of self-esteem from childhood is of course easier, but likewise, some of the world's most influential, artistic, driven, etc., people are those who have used their painful starting point to become someone stronger than if they had just had the easier start.

The choice is ultimately yours.

Beautiful post x....ideally, this would be what I would say, compassionately, to my ex, if it would happen to meet her nowadays.

Fr4nz and xdude, your words are so kind. Thank you both. I feel hopeful! I know self-awareness is the first step to repairing aspects of my personality that are destructive.

An update: I had my first appointment today with the psychologist at my college's infirmary. She encouraged me to think about what activities I can do to soothe myself when I start to feel that "I'm going to be abandoned" feeling, and also to take note of what is happening to my body before I have the full-blown version of that feeling, to see if there are particular clues or stressors that could help me learn to reroute things before they get that far. She also encouraged me to watch my inner script about abandonment; even the word "abandoned" makes it sound so dire, like I would die if my partner, friends, or whoever left me. I'm supposed to talk to myself with confidence, knowing that I will be okay whether I'm partnered, single or whatever.

My partner has decided to stay with me but has told me in no uncertain terms that he won't go through with marrying me if these outbursts persist (and in a way I'm glad he said that, because that's going to be the best motivation to not let it get that far out of hand anymore). We spent about an hour together yesterday and the day before, and I made sure to keep myself upbeat. I think we had fun? He was verbally very loving and reassuring, but hasn't wanted to spend any protracted time together or engage in long phone calls. I'm pretty ok with that.... there is a part inside of me that's freaking out and telling me he's in love with someone else, or that he's about to break up with me... but I'm also just doing some deep breathing and telling myself, hey, you've been screaming at this man fairly consistently for a while now, give him a break. I'm sure we can grow into a healthy place if we are both willing, and it seems like we are.

This is hard!! BUT I'm gonna be normal. I have like 70 years left on this planet, I'm gonna get this right.

ncsoprano wrote:....She encouraged me to think about what activities I can do to soothe myself when I start to feel that "I'm going to be abandoned" feeling, and also to take note of what is happening to my body before I have the full-blown version of that feeling, to see if there are particular clues or stressors that could help me learn to reroute things before they get that far. She also encouraged me to watch my inner script about abandonment; even the word "abandoned" makes it sound so dire, like I would die if my partner, friends, or whoever left me. I'm supposed to talk to myself with confidence, knowing that I will be okay whether I'm partnered, single or whatever.
....

Beyond just that some people never become aware of their inner scripts (that takes a lot self-awareness and introspection, something not everyone can do), is the acceptance that those inner scripts are real, and because they were burned into your brain as a child, those scripts are not going to go away entirely. They are always going to be there bubbling up the surface now and then. That can make working on it seem futile, but again if you can, remind yourself... even if it sounds somewhat pithy, challenges in life are not there to be avoided, but to be faced, because the later makes us truly stronger.