HPDs and shallow emotions

Hiya Everybody!

ewriter wrote:

"ìs younger than her actual age" (she is 40),

My wife is just like this. She's 53. She's been blessed with good genetics and plastic surgery. It's true that she looks great for her age. But to hear her tell it she looks 23. She oftens describes herself as having the looks of a woman less half her age.

Like I said, she does look good ... for her age... but when she goes to the clubs dressed like the younger girls and standing right next to them, well, she looks her age. Sad.

She will also go waaaay out of her way to steer a conversation to age just so she can ask the question, "How old do you think I am"? Fishing for that positive stroke.

And of course people patronize her. I mean what are they going to say? When she puts people on the spot like that they don't want to be rude to her. But it's usually that very question that starts to turn people off. What says "I'm self centered" quite like that?

99, Seems to me you got my point exactly! You just expressed it a little differently about the whole Soap Opera thing. My point was just that they don't see it as "High Drama", they see life around them in grandiose terms even when it isn't. It's just life, but to them it has to be "Life or Death"! See what I mean?

...if I had a nickel!

Yep. I like General Hospital, but I prefer to WATCH soaps than live them! It would require more energy than I have to live like that!

After two and a half months of marriage,she moved out. When she comes to the house to get stuff she is like a robot. Very methodical, like she is on an auto-pilot or a search and destroy mission. Refuses to even discuss our marriage,just get her stuff and leave as quickly as possible. Has yet to even shed a tear in my presence about tearing apart our family or abandoning my 12 yr old,who she has helped raise for the last seven years.

Wow, I have to second everything you guys said. It all describes my HPD too.

When we've come close to breaking up before, he also does that cold, robot thing.

And, I've often thought that he's looking for another woman to be a mother to him. From what I know of his 13-year marriage, that's exactly the role that his then-wife had to assume. When you think of all their needs, they're really in an impossible bind:

1- they want a mother-figure, who will love them always and unconditionally, and take care of them without expecting reciprocity;

2- they want to bind this person to them by entering into a "relationship" so she will be always there for them;

3- they must have constant novelty and attention, and will not tolerate any limits being placed on their behavior (as in the limits inherent in a relationship).

To get one need met, they must mess up something else they need. When the significant other starts to be more insistent about expectations and responsibilities in the relationship, the HPD shoves the person to arm's length. Then, their need for the mothering person causes them to try to patch things up in the relationship. Then, their need for attention and excitement causes them to do things that once again strain the relationship. Then, the significant other complains again, and the cycle starts all over. No wonder it's driving everyone crazy. No person can satisfy all their needs without completely losing their own identity and self-esteem. And, no HPD can truly get all their needs met - as ccumm36D has said, they are "programmed for failure."

Sad as I am, I know that I'll be OK and maybe even find healthy love down the road. But sadly, my HPD will never be truly happy. Somehow, there's little comfort in that.

On Tuesday nite we went to bed, she snuggled up to me and said, "sometimes I just can't hold you close enuf" I said "I love you very much" she replied "I love you even more. " At noon the next day she was gone. How's that for shallow??

Mark, I know exactly what you mean. The extreme inconsistency from one day to the next, or even one minute to the next drove me nuts. When he would be cold or hateful, I would sometimes remind him of how he had just been doing/saying loving things (in an attempt to get him to understand my confusion and dismay, or maybe even go back to being loving). His response to this was to say that well, then, he was sorry he had done or said the loving things. Statements like that can only be intended to hurt the other person - me- who he supposedly loved.

I came to think of it as not trusting him. Not in the area of sexual fidelity, but in the area of caring for me. Even though at times he seemed so sincere (and probably was at that moment), I knew it wouldn't last -- I didn't trust it. We had several fights where I told him that when you love someone you are supposed to care about their feelings, and when they feel bad, it makes you feel bad. Imagine, having to tell that to a 55 year old man. Well, I know you guys here can imagine it, because you've probably been there.

mark_8621 wrote:On Tuesday nite we went to bed, she snuggled up to me and said, "sometimes I just can't hold you close enuf" I said "I love you very much" she replied "I love you even more. " At noon the next day she was gone. How's that for shallow??

Did the puppet strings hurt your wrists?

Recognise them for what they are, and you won't be so sad you lost them.

No my wrists don't hurt, just my heart. We were under a sever thunderstorm warning,I sent her a text message"storm warning,u & kids pls b careful" her reply?? nothing.....I don't even exist to her.

mark_8621 wrote:No my wrists don't hurt, just my heart. We were under a sever thunderstorm warning,I sent her a text message"storm warning,u & kids pls b careful" her reply?? nothing.....I don't even exist to her.

Go date someone else and temporarily act indifferent to your emotions/feelings.

Mark, from reading what you've said about her before, don't worry - she'll be back. (She didn't love you, would never love you again; then she loved you and had never stopped loving you; etc.) What she is doing now has nothing to do with you, hard as that is to swallow. She's just in the phase where she can't tolerate the constraints of a relationship, and is acting out. Soon she'll enter the next phase: trying to get you back again. And, twisted though it is, she'll probably come back sooner if you act indifferent toward her.

The next phase after that, of course, is a repeat of what you're going through now.

The only way to stop the roller coaster is to get off the ride. There will never be a right time to do it- not when things are great (who wants to leave then?), and not when things are hellish (who wants that to be the last emotion you shared with someone you loved?).

Maybe you're not ready to get off the roller coaster yet. In that case, just wait for her to come back (but act like you don't care), and wait until the time is right for you. It will ultimately be your choice - you can't change her, but you can always get her back if you're patient and willing to use some pretense.