HPD- Remission at 40? (Note: TW)

I've read multiple people say that HPD can go into remission at age 40. Does anyone know where this fact is coming from? Is there any data to support this? I can't grasp how a life-long view of oneself, the world, and repetitive behaviors (personality) can just fade away at a certain age. Thanks

Fletch wrote:I've read multiple people say that HPD can go into remission at age 40. Does anyone know where this fact is coming from? Is there any data to support this? I can't grasp how a life-long view of oneself, the world, and repetitive behaviors (personality) can just fade away at a certain age. Thanks

Hi Fletch,

from what I've read so far, it is not true that there is a complete remission when sufferers go above their forties; sure, there can be pretty big changes in the mood and actions, mostly due to hormonal/physical changes -- perhaps they are indeed going to be more quiet!, but the rigid set of thoughts/behaviours characterizing the disorder are not going to disappear from their minds for sure.

Most probably, sufferers will "adapt" to the new situation (like they ever do, anyway).

It would be interesting, anyway, to hear the opinion of the other members.

Fr4nz83 wrote:from what I've read so far, it is not true.... It would be interesting, anyway, to hear the opinion of the other members.

I sure would love to see my ex-wife's reaction during the "oh $#%^, what the ###$ have I done?!" moment.

I don't think it will ever happen though. Her hatred for all of her ex's is enough to last a lifetime lol

I am in agreement with these two gentlemen. There is no such thing as a "remission", because this is neither a disease nor illness. It is as you say, personality with some maladaptive tendencies and all that it entails. And the coping mechanisms, reaction patterns, defenses etc are rigid and inflexible. They are prone to repeat.

Now, anecdotally it has been noted that there have been some lessening of "intensity" for certain traits etc. for some individuals. I have also seen, anecdotally as well, that if there is some co-morbidity of other issues, say BPD, that this can take on a more prominent role as one ages.

However, as Fr4nz83 notes, there is usually a "substitution" factor. As one gets older, physical attraction wanes. So other means are necessary for securing attention, etc.

Aging, in and of itself does not "heal" one from HPD.

Hi Fletch,

I am curious why you asked the question.

I'd keep in mind too that even if someone is making efforts to change, it doesn't happen overnight. Also the opposite is a possibility. A person who perceives their youthful years are behind them may make an even greater effort to cling to who they were in their past.

There is no remission after 40. Im just getting out of an off and on relationship with a 40 year old woman and after 6 years, i finally am able to pin point what was wrong with her with logic and clarity. My issue now is that she still works with me and although we work opposite shifts, during the change of shifts when i see her its awkward because she seems to believe the end of the relationship was my fault. She deesses extra sexy and bathes in perfume. My issue is two things. How do i get her to cease holding a grudge? How do i cope with her promiscuity around other men at work now that i know she has hpd? Tough questions only i can answer.

xdude wrote:Hi Fletch,

I am curious why you asked the question.

I'd keep in mind too that even if someone is making efforts to change, it doesn't happen overnight. Also the opposite is a possibility. A person who perceives their youthful years are behind them may make an even greater effort to cling to who they were in their past.

I posed the question because my exHPD will be 40 in 5 years. It was a "what if there's a chance?" moment.

Lenny Sanchez wrote:she seems to believe the end of the relationship was my fault. She dresses extra sexy and bathes in perfume.

This behavior will last until she's completely exhausted her supply of people to blame for her unhappiness. She will likely take it to the grave without ever realizing the truth. She will subconsciously force her delusional perspective to suffice, even if it doesn't match up with reality. My hope is that discontinuities like this add up in their minds over time and eventually become something they can't avoid anymore.

Lenny Sanchez wrote:How do i get her to cease holding a grudge?

I kept asking this same question for years. And then it finally sank in that I'm never going to "get her" period. I can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do. If she doesn't see it on her own, there's nothing anyone else can do to "wake her up". I hope one day she realizes how much our children love me, the man she decided to hate out of the blue (thankfully she didn't have kids with the other targets before me).... But honestly I doubt it will ever happen. She has to continue playing the vindictive hateful victim to keep her fanclub happy and supportive. From my perspective she's only alienating their father. It's really their loss. Sucks for them and I wish I could change it. I tried and failed. I'm pretty sure it will backfire eventually though. In the meantime, I wait.

It blows my mind how such people can exist. In all my years of dating and being in relationships I've never come across this type of lady. Makes me feel naive. I truly thought she was genuine in all she said apparently she began telling coworkers we were "dating" when in fact we were in a commited relationship for over 5 years. It seems like each week i find something new that shows i was the only one in a commited relationship. Im currently looking for other employment because i know she throws me under the bus with lies and aside from that im heartbroken still and hate the fact she may be sleeping around within the agency at rhe very least. This is all new to me, the end of all my relationships there's a period of separation where i can analyze, mourn, find closure and move on. I thought she was mature but ive been dealing with a woman with a teenage mentality. Ridingthewtfbus i feel for you man. I have kids of my own and as tough as its been dealing with the mothers i can only imagine the hardships men face when having a child/children with these types of woman. I'm taking this as a lesson learned and inslead of coming across someone with an std i guess its better to come across this. 40 is just a number.

Lenny Sanchez wrote:Ridingthewtfbus i feel for you man.

Thanks LS

Lenny Sanchez wrote:40 is just a number.

Amen! Better now than later