HOW TO TELL AN HPD WHAT THEY HAVE

How can anyone tell an HPD that they have HPD. My HPD hates me for discussing his behavior when it was inappropriate. He would go around hugging the world and we spoke about this. He stopped hugging the world and got progressively angry inside and felt socially frozen because he needed to hug the world to be okay in a social environment. He felt that his behavior was fine and that I had the problem.

I want to mention to him to investigate the HPD disorder but I don't know where it will get me. He will probably laugh at me.

When he was walking out he told me that if we had done everything "his" way we would have no problems. He told me that he had a system and it worked.

I read somewhere that even therapists are tricked by the HPD patient. These therapists will think they are great and wonderful people because the HPD will do everything in their power to convince the doctor of their wonderful emotional balance. He changed counselors 3 times because he did not hear what he wanted. Now he has a counselor for awhile because he has snowed her.

He cheated on me when we were engaged (I still married him) and he had an emotional affair at the end of our 12th year. I am wondering now if there was any cheating in between.

SunshineBFine,

It's funny you mentioned the hugging thing. My HPD has to hug everyone, all the time. It's very annoying.

In fact, the other night we were in his favorite pizza place, where he routinely goes with guys friends once a week. When a familiar waitress passed by, I could see that they both started to hug, but then refrained. As I had never seen him refrain before, I said something about it. He said he recently had found out that there is a rule there that you're not supposed to touch the staff! I love it!! I wish I could have heard that conversation, and how he came to be informed of the rule. Of course, I have nothing against hugs at appropriate times and with appropriate people. But, my HPD would hug every (mostly 20 year old) waitress in the place. (He is 55.)

He even told me recently that he has told 'slimy's'girlfriend (another story) that she can't hug him in a certain way if I am present (?!?) Also, he recently told me that when I'm not around, girls sometimes grab his butt.

It's amazing that HPDs see nothing wrong with this behavior. I know they have no boundaries, but they can't seem to even be able to pretend to respect their partners in this area.

It's like beating your head against a wall to try to explain it to them. You just get accused of being insecure and closed-minded.

Oh, yeah, I forgot the point of the post

I've tried to tell my HPD about the disorder, but he won't listen at all. He just makes jokes, and says he is perfectly happy just the way he is, and a counselor in the past gave him a "clean bill of health."

He can't handle any criticism at all, and I'm sure he sees having a personality disorder as a criticism. I've tried to tell him that he might find it interesting to read about it, if nothing else.

Sometimes I wonder if he might read about it without my knowing. If he has, though, he hasn't shown any sign of insight.

Maybe someone else has had some luck in this area?

Hey Roni - My friend (close friend) told me that when she first moved in that my HPD would go over to offer help with the lawn. He would help her with my knowledge but I didn't know that he wanted to engage in conversation with her. When he was helping out a lot I told him he needed to stop. I told him that her husband wouldn't be too pleased that a neighbor was assisting his wife with the things the husband needed to do.

There was one instance where she told me (after he left me) that he went over there to offer assistance with something. She mentioned that her back was killing her and he offered to crack her back. Everyone asked him to crack their back. She allowed him to crack her back because she felt bad telling him no. I don't know - but she then ended the conversation and that was that. She told her husband who didn't want my HPD helping his wife anymore. (meanwhile the husband would ask my HPD to help him with things). She felt that if she gave my HPDhim the opportunity to have an affair with her, that he would have gone for it. This was quite upsetting and when I told him, he told me that I was paranoid and jealous. He told me that she asked him to crack her back (she would not do this).

When I brought these things up to him he said that I was crazy, jealous.

You know - unless there is a major intervention - past behavior gives you a picture of future behavior. If he hugged the world when I was there, what was he doing when I wasn't there?

He told me that I didn't care where he was and I told him that I trusted him so I didn't need to ask a million questions or hunt him down. He said that because I let him do what he wanted (time wise) that his cheating and walking out was my own fault. We can't win - you know? - because of there mindset.

I was thinking of sending an anonymous letter to his counselor to tell her that one of her patients was HPD. I wonder if she could figure out who that patient was.

You have a great idea about printing the information out in hopes that he will read it.

Our marriage counselor asked me why "I had the problem with Sal hugging everyone". I couldn't believe it - she was actually making him think that it was me. I give up - the sad part is that I have to deal with him for the rest of my life because we have children together. I am making sure that my kids always get what they need emotionally so this behavior stops with my HPD's generation.

My HPD Wife moved out in November. Since I learned about this HPD thing a month ago, I have tried to avoid any positive communitcation in anyway.

If she starts talking about my behaior, I immediately go to hers, and hard. She says she wants to save the marriage and realy loves me, I tell the only thing she can do is look at her own behavior and get herself healed. I then give dramatic, detalied, and factual accounts of how she "sucked me dry and then turned on me." How I "Bared myself to her, dropping all my defenses, and she plunged the knife in my chest."

I am trying to keep her in a box with only two ways out. She can own up to her behavior and start getting treatment , or she can agree to end the marriage and leave me alone.

Hasn't done a bit of good.

She's told all her friends and everybody at church That I am only doing this to avoid admitting and discussing MY behavior.

But, after all the times of of being hit when I was down, this approach is rather refreshing.

I am not sure why I married him. I obviously loved him and we were already raising my niece - she loved him and it would have turned her life upside down. We went to counseling and did all the right things. So I went ahead really thinking that he would never do it again. He seemed so sorry.

See my new post "Hi Wife"

It is the last thing I could think of befrore going ahead with a messy and expensive divorce.

We'll see what happens.

In talking with your counselor today - she said you try to "keep everything in a box" that way it gives you control, and that's the only way you can understand somethings

so, I'm in a box with only two ways out

No Beefheart - I am ONLY in a BOX in your own small world!

Perhaps

I really only see two solutions. Get you to fix your pattern of behavior, or call it off.

I don't see you openning the window to God by acknowledging that you need to heal, that willallow hime to do the healing.

Or, is it that you have no patterns of behavior that require healing?

If there are, you have never shared them.