Can I stay Married To her? What would it Take?

Hear its,

My Wife ....

(who I married less than 2 years ago, moved out 5 months ago, and was diagnosed to me as HPD by our counsellor 2 Weeks ago)

..... and I will have what will most probably our last counselling session together.

Two weeks ago, when I first heard those three little letters "HPD" all the puzzle pieces of past behavior started snapping into place with amazing speed. The realizations are comming almost too fast to process.

So, the stage is set for 28 hrs from now in our counselleor's office.

The only subject of the discussion is "Why should I let you back into my life to my life to do so much harm to me, my family, and friends?"

Suggest specific areas to address (test questions) have been emailed in advance.

Any discussion of "her" pain and "my" actions and it's GAME OVER.

This session is only about her owning her actions, committment to healing herself, and whether I choose to let her back in.

The Counsellor is aware and supports my game plan.


But ...............

What if she passes the test? Anything is possible.

Can I live with an HPD wife? What does it Take?

Now I am armed with the knowledge of why she behaves the way she does. This lessens the hurt, and may equip me to deal for effectively with the situation.

It's not all pain you know. My love languages are "physical touch" and "Words of Affirmation". Boy an HPD can make me feel sooooooooooooo wonderful; Especially in the beginng. Oooooooooh! that physical touch!

I have experienced the downside of being in love with an emotional vampire; That sucking sound of your emotional energy going dry.

Besides, if been in rigoruos treatment for my clynical depression for over a year. Evrybody says I'm doing great. And, I now understand why I fell into depression in the first place?

You can tell me I'm nuts to be even posing the question. But, What will I have to do to save the marriage and survive emotionally myself?

Your thoughts?

maybe that's the first thing you need to realize...you're not alone. I've been married for six months and tracked down the problem. (see the post, "newlywed...how do I handle it?") I'm not sure how to "keep" the marriage. Every day I give him a huge allotment of attention--the problem is that we cannot be a normal couple because his ego pervades everything, to the point where it feels my own identity is being rubbed out. (and on deeper levels, there really isn't any concern for my well being--even in little things...and its the little things that are very telling. For instance, last night he said it was hot and wanted to turn the thermostat down (he keeps it icy, sometimes as cold as 60 degrees). I said I was tired of being cold. He happily got up and turned it down...no regard for how I feel.) I don't want to turn this into an "ain't this awful" session. But I've determined that one of the things that has to be put in place is boundaries--and the chips will fall where they will. I have alot of things I've been giving up--the creative aspects of myself--and I've decided to pursue these things again. He's got a problem with it because it means time spent not paying attention to him. He's got a problem with my teaching because it demands 50 or 60 hours a week, and I have a children's ministry now too--which also takes time (and attention and spotlight from the members of the Church has shifted more from him onto me which he also does not like--many times he's had temper tantrums and even suicide threats while I was trying to put together sunday school lessons). The one thing that I can tell you is that so far I have got him going to church very very often, and that seems to help. I don't know how religious you are, but we have prayer groups, etc., and that helps too. He was in a long term marriage (21 years) and his ex wife tells me she spent it trying to hold him together, and even at that his behavior was terrible. I have been reading this forum and haven't found anyone who has put forth a real solution. I think its more a matter of coming to terms with it...how much do you love her? How much do you love yourself? Deep involvment in church DOES seem to help.

Anyway, I wish you success...for that matter, I wish me success too. In the meantime, I have determined not to sacrifice those parts of myself that I cherish so much...even if it means things will end. I am going to set boundaries--he knows how to act around people in public, therefore he knows how to act around me. And I will tell him--if he wants to throw a temper tantrum, he can do it by himself. If he wants to make suicide threats...I'll go to the movies. I cannot control him and he will have to love me enough (as will your wife) to make the change. But I'm not going to do like my HPD's last wife and placate him for 21 years.

--M

I agree with Morgan that the first step is to reclaim your own life and your own identity. Re-engage in your own interests; see your own friends; even develop new interests and activities that don't involve your HPD. Take yourself out to lunch! Join (or re-join) a Jazzercise class or a gym! Sit in a bookstore or library and read all Saturday afternoon! Or just watch what YOU want to watch on TV for once! (OK, getting carried away My HPD just expects me to tag along and keep him company in his life, but does not inconvenience himself to change his activities for me.

However, I think once you get comfortable with that stage (I'm working on that), you'll see another stage: wanting a partner, if you have a partner at all, who will actually ADD to your life. Someone who doesn't hurt you, and even treats you with respect and caring (!!) Someone who bothers to get to know you, and with whom you can feel connected on a deeper level.

As long as we are with our HPDs, we are denying ourselves the possibility of such rewards. So, there's more at stake than just how much we can tolerate. There's also how much we are missing out on.

Of course, I believe there are exceptions - HPDs who seek treatment, take it seriously, and make changes.

I know that's not my HPD.

O, Beefheart! What a question! And a question that nobod can answer for you. Basically, can you live with an HPD wife? I don't know, can you?

That's not meant to sound harsh, but it's something you can only decide for yourself. I have currently spent over a year and counting trying to decide if I could get romantically involved with my HPD "friend," altho at the time I saw all his symptoms, they didn't really make much sense until I realized it was HPD...as I've said around here, he has been thru rehab for drugs & alcohol and they helped him with his attention and approval seeking but didn't name it HPD. But he did one thing is his crazy life that I am STILL trying to decide if I can live with. It's disrupted my precious equilibrium more than anything in a long, long time and I would LOVE for somebody to decide for me, but ultimately they can't. My friends don't really understand why I think that ONE thing is such a huge deal but it is to me, bcuz that's ME.

You have to decide what you want, what you really want. Personally, don't let the fact that it's a "marriage" you would be dissolving stop you from deciding what you want. Unless there are small children involved, and even then they might be better of with one stable parent than two with one who's a train wreck. But if there's no children involved, you have to be concerned with your own equilibrium.

Have you thought about a trial separation during which time she is to undergo counseling and NOT stay in constant contact with you? Just a thought...

Look inward. I wish I could say more. I do feel your pain.

After 25 years with an HPD wife I can answer your question from experience and with authority...

You can live with an HPD wife and you will be miserable for most of the time you are together.

What it takes is more than you have. You will fail not for lack of effort. Your marriage will fail because the HPD is not static. It evolves and gets worse. Ultimately the HPD is programmed for failure and she will do everything necessary to fail.

It's just that simple.

Wow, ccumm36D, I have to remember that phrase:

"programmed for failure." That really fits. It's also really sad. But, unfortunately, we don't have the abiltiy to re-program them, much as we try.

The HPD can not accept success in life and in relationships. They are comfortable with failure. They expect it and when it happens they are in their comfort zone. This allows them to say "See I told you so". Even if they are directly responsible for the failure they will not accept it and transfer that blame onto you.

Success on the other hand brings stress. The HPD is always waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. They will begin to do subtle things that will help to bring about the very result that they dread yet unconciously yearn for.

Failure is a stress reliever for them. They snatch defeat from the jaws of victory at every oppurtunity!

Think of a dog chasing it's tail. But not as cute and certainly not as entertaining. It's just sad.

thanks for all the feed back.

Roni,

Jazzercise class!!!! you really don't want to see this overweight, 54 yearold man in spandex. It's not a pretty sight.

But seriously I know the benefit of exercise. I swim regularly.

I have made huge strides in GAL (getting a life) since my HPD wife moved out in November. New church, new friends, new furnature, rearranged the house, and my social callendar is filling up fast.

Still, as a logic-bound engineer, I have to evalutuate all the options.
1. Live with her
2. Leave her
3. Cure her

Right now, I'm well on my way on option 2. I geuss it was a really blessing that she moved out. I owned the house before we got married.

See my post "how to disengage" for the latest developements.

Thanks again for the insights.

Your wife - called your counselor and confronted her.

What you write here is a outright lie! Either you are totally lying or she is - take your pick,

but in speaking with her, she says SHE DID NOT say that I had HPD

where are you making this up from!

and is this just another forum for you to get sympathy points from others? If so, your doing a good job. Too bad if they believe your lies and outrageous lines.

No, she never said you had HPD, that is my conclusoin. She supported my understanding of how I could not live wiht your pattern of behavior.

HPD or any other term is just a model. Models are usefull in that they can explain and predict behavior. To me, this model fits you almost like a glove.

If the glove doesn't fit, don't wear it.

It still is confusing that you constantly maintain that you have no personality-driven behavior issues. If it isn't HPD, what is it.

Or is it like you said in front of our Pastor before Christms "You see Beefheart, It's all YOU!"

That must be it, it's all ME! I finally get it. Thank you so much.......................................NOT!