How to Disingage

My HPD wife moved out 4 months ago. We had been in counselling a while.

Since she moved out, we have been through several cycles.
A. I "go dark" (no comunication, email blocks, phone blocks, et al).
B. She beats down the dorr with professed love, false, contrition, and allusion to awesome physical contact.
C. I open the emotional door again.
D. Her dysfuntional behavior resumes, I go back to step "A" above.

We have been through this cycle several times. I need to dissengage leagally and permanently. She will not talk about a dissolution in any realistic terms.

- What's the best way to end this?
- Is she going to stalk me for a long time?
- How do I help lessen her anger in my own self interest? She has sent incredible emails (really ungly but worded to sound nice) to family and friends and done a lot of serious damage.
- How can her to be reasonbale about a peaceful dissolution and avoid the damaging and expensive fihgt with lawyers?

Any suggetion? My counsellor is working on it but hasn't come up with any ideas yet.

How can her to be reasonbale about a peaceful dissolution and avoid the damaging and expensive fihgt with lawyers? beats down the dorr?

What? This would be digitals response.


Stick to your guns. If she hires a good attourney, you will take many lumps. She will not stalk you if you act passive and disinterested. Pay her no attention, it worked for me and many others. You married her and are forced to take the unfair lumps and lies coming your way. Take solice in your education, this will never happen again. When you fall in love again, Slow down.... and go READ these forums when you meet the next SHES THE ONE! They like will give you all the clues about WHO THEY ARE.

deleted

Beefheart,
Take ownership of the problem and deal with it. Your problem isn't that your wife has HPD, it is that you have an inability to manage your trust effectively. If you let your wife 'back in' and she starts her $#%^ again, is it her fault for having HPD, or your fault for throwing yourself back into it all.

All of the years of suffering you endured were a direct result from your inaction, and you inability to own your problems. It may be easy to project responsibility onto that worthless witch, vilify her for your suffering in your mind, confront her, play her game, accept her apologies and pledges, and repeat this neverending cycle, but it is a damned cop out and you know it.

You, first of all, need to accept the blame for the wasted years of unhappines in your life, simultaneously reclaiming responsibility for the very same. Then, you must learn to maintain self-responsibility, and start by kicking that hag out of your life. Anything else is just a self-soothing, (and self-sabotaging) lie.

Remember, if you are upset, you are the one that has the problem. Irrespective of what the cause of that problem may be, you 'own' the said problem, as manifested in your unhappiness. Once you can accept this, you can move onto dealing with the problems you now realise you own.

Now wake up, and reclaim.

Digital

toughtobme wrote:What? This would be digitals response.

Ok, I think I am getting it now. You either have dyslexia, or are ESL. This level of syntax error could surely not be a result of undeveloped expression skills. If either is the case, let me re-iterate that I never meant to belittle you, however I now understand if you feel belittled. Furthermore, if the latter supposition is the case, what is your mother tongue (I love languages).

How is it that you are incomprehensible here:

toughtobme wrote:How can her to be reasonbale about a peaceful dissolution and avoid the damaging and expensive fihgt with lawyers? beats down the dorr?

Yet perfectly understandable (if a little substandard in rhetoric) here:

Stick to your guns. If she hires a good attourney, you will take many lumps. She will not stalk you if you act passive and disinterested. Pay her no attention, it worked for me and many others. You married her and are forced to take the unfair lumps and lies coming your way. Take solice in your education, this will never happen again. When you fall in love again, Slow down.... and go READ these forums when you meet the next SHES THE ONE! They like will give you all the clues about WHO THEY ARE.

Thanks to all for the awesome insights. A few additional bits one where I am now.

- Own my own actions? - you bet! When the counsellor said those three letters "HPD" to me (I had never heard of HPD befoe) The dominoes becan to fall so fast. I realize that My son was right when he said "What kind of woman would do this!" before I got married. I am still probing the actions that I don't realize I own yet.

- belittled? - Not a all. I love to write, but it know my typing sucks. Especially when it is between phone calls at work.

- Dyslexia? - perhaps. I keet typing "wiht" instead of "wiht". See, I just did it again

- Stick to My guns - thats the plan. What will probably be our last counselling session together wwill be at 5:00 p.m. Alaska time. Pray for me if you like that sort of thing (If you don't, that's O.K. too, but you really should give it a try. It really works for me.)

- Upset?- Not really right now ....... I think. Could be self-deceiving. The emtional state I am trying to maintain is firm, rational calm. The grieving over loosing what was never real (but felt real) can come later.

- Her HPD as an Excuse? It's sooo easy to do that. It can be a real trap. Right now it has been a real eye-openner. Wikipedia, this forum, ancounselling have all made the puzzle pieces of past behavior, (her's and mine) snap into place. The current plan is to get through this thing, and than return my focus to healing myself. I plan to stay in counselling for quite a while.


Thanks for all the wonderful posts.

Whatch this space for how it all turned out.

A few things I forgot:

- Love languages: Words of Affermation, Physical Touch bilingual. Now is that an easy target for an HPD or what?

- Passive response: Thanks for the really useful tip. Think I'll put "passive response" on my bathroom mirror and my monitor at work. Gotta stay so coooooooool.

thanks again all.

For digital no face:

Speed reeding got me again. I thought you were asking about the five "love languages."


My mother tongue is English I suppose. But .........

I was born in Thailand. American Parents, my dad worked for the State Department.

We moved to Viet Nam where I leanerd to speak a mixture of French and Vietnamese from the household staff.

When we moved to Indonesia, I learned to Indonesian (Malay) as well as my English.

While in Indonesia, I was sent to a Brittish-run Boarding School where I developed a charming Brittish accent. I'm left handed, but the Chinese teachers there made me slant my letters the wrong way when leraning cusive writing.

We moved to Maryland in 1961, when I was in third grade. I had to go to speach therapy because of my English accent.

I always had searious trouble with hand writting and speeling, but whe P.C.s came along, I could really enjoy writing.

Mi speeling and tipping still is prpity bad though.

Nothing to do with HPD, though, but I enjoy telling and writing stories.

Thanks for the opotunity.

p.s. I can still count to 10 Indonesian, and

Beefheart wrote:For digital no face:

Speed reeding got me again. I thought you were asking about the five "love languages."


My mother tongue is English I suppose. But .........

I was born in Thailand. American Parents, my dad worked for the State Department.

We moved to Viet Nam where I leanerd to speak a mixture of French and Vietnamese from the household staff.

When we moved to Indonesia, I learned to Indonesian (Malay) as well as my English.

While in Indonesia, I was sent to a Brittish-run Boarding School where I developed a charming Brittish accent. I'm left handed, but the Chinese teachers there made me slant my letters the wrong way when leraning cusive writing.

We moved to Maryland in 1961, when I was in third grade. I had to go to speach therapy because of my English accent.

I always had searious trouble with hand writting and speeling, but whe P.C.s came along, I could really enjoy writing.

Mi speeling and tipping still is prpity bad though.

Nothing to do with HPD, though, but I enjoy telling and writing stories.

Thanks for the opotunity.

p.s. I can still count to 10 Indonesian, and

Interesting. just note that Iu was asking 'toughtobeme' if he was dyslexic or ESL, not you. That being said, I am still glad to have heard your story.

I also know a smattering of bahasa. Partly from doing it for a year in grade 7, and partly because my fiancee is malaysian chinese. So let me see if I can match your boast of counting to ten.

satu, dua, tiga, ..., lima, ..., ..., ..., ..., sepuluh!

Not quite.