Sex and the HPD Woman

A number of the posts tiptoe around sex. But sex is a major component of the HPD's arsenal. My wife used sex as a weapon and she wielded it like a kid that found her daddy's gun.

Because I was just 19 when we met my experience was limited. Very limited. So when I met C, a woman that was interested in me and seemed to have the same sexual appetite as me. The same common interests as me...well I fell into that trap head first.

I mean she really was the perfect woman. We enjoyed so many of the same things. We spent all of our time together. She professed her love for me often. And our relationship had lots of sex...LOTS of sex.

When we moved in together in 1982 I thought I was ten feet tall and bullet proof. She was very attractive, older and seemed to be so into me. Looking back that seems to fit perfectly with an HPD. All about the manipulation. The first year we were living together we were having sex everyday. Sometimes two or three times a day. Being a teenager with endless energy I was impressed that I couldn't wear her out. She was just as energetic as I was sometimes maybe more so. The first year was great!

The second year not so much. She started to slow things down in the bedroom but housekeeping (our relationship) was very good. The only hiccup was my age. She wanted to go out dancing but I was still too young to get into clubs. She would go with her girlfriends. I wasn't real happy with that but I reasoned she'll be coming home to me. And she did and we always had a lot of fun when she came home with a buzz.

Things really slowed after the birth of our first child. I have come to the conclusion after so many years and arguments and conversations that she saw me as a father and not a lover anymore. And the child was a convenient excuse to avoid intimacy.
I tried to be understanding.

As time went by the rejections built to the point that like so many stereotypical comedians routines I just asked..."honey, wanna have sex tonight"? The usual reply was maybe later.

I was working nights through the late 80's and early 90's and so I would often times take a nap before work. I would make an attempt at seduction...get rejected and go lay down for my nap. Two or three minutes after I turned out the lights here she comes into the bedroom ready for sex. This routine went on for years. I would say I thought you weren't in the mood. She would say I thought this is what you wanted. This became our normal routine every other night for years.

Let me remind you that I didn't have a lot of experience when we got together. She was also a very quiet lover. Getting her to tell me what she liked and what she wanted just didn't happen. Talking about sex outside of the bedroom didn't happen either. Believe me I tried. The only time she would talk would be to complain. That hurts, that doesn't feel good, that doesn't do anything for me, I'm getting sore. That sort of thing. It was very easy to be discouraged. I pleaded with her to use that same energy to tell me what felt good instead of what didn't. But she wouldn't give up that kind of control. I have to tell you though that she was very orgasmic! Very multi-orgasmic! Over-all sex was good. Could have been better but it as good.

I eventually learned through trial and error what worked and where to touch her and how to get her there every time. However I was always confused about something. Her clitoris. I could never find it. There wasn't anything I wouldn't do for her so I had my face in there enough that I should have been able to find it but I never did. Since she was so easily orgasmic I didn't bother to make an issue of it. I thought it was me. I mean I thought I knew where it was but obviously not. I thought the failure was mine.

During our seperation I had no intention of dating. I loved my wife and wanted desperately to get back together so I remained faithful... until I met a woman I couldn't resist physically. The first time we were together I felt so awkward and ashamed and embarrassed and well fill in the blanks. Anyway the first time I went down on her I was like "what's all of this"? That was a huge awkward moment. The saving grace was that she is a nurse. A very compassionate woman. So we took a break and talked I told her I had never seen some of that equipment before. She laughed and asked "I thought you said you were married". Yeah I said but I've never seen anything like that. I asked her for a physiology lesson. It was just that simple and she said sure. She got up, dropped her robe and crawled up on the dining room table and began to educate me on the female genital anatomy. She asked me what the big mystery was? I told her my wife doesn't have the same equipment. She called #######4 on that. But another quirk of my HPD/NPD wife was that she loved to have her picture taken (topic for another post!) And she loved to pose for nudes. I had a whole shoebox full of polaroids. This was pre digital by a couple of years. So I told the nurse I had a picture if she wanted to see it. She was very open minded and said sure. I found a polaroid of my wife, a closeup.

The nurse turned white as a ghost. She picked up her robe and put it on and wrapped it tightly around her. Then sat down on the floor and pulled her knees up to her chest. She did this lightening fast and it startled me. I asked her if she was alright and I began apologizing profusely for showing her a picture of my wife. She asked for a glass of water and after taking a few sips asked me if I had ever heard of female circumcision? No, I said. That sounds kind of silly doesn't it? And that's when she educated me on a procedure that my wife had obviously (to the trained eye) been subjected to. The nurse had studied it very briefly in school but had never seen or known anyone in this country that had it performed. The procedure is called female mutilation today is still widely peformed in third world countries, particularly Africa.

I did my research on that and found that during the mid fifties female circumcision was wide spread in this country and wasn't banned outright until 1977. My wife was born during the time in this country when it was most widely performed. Usually on new born girls whos doctor thought her genitalia was abnormally large for a newborn. So they snipped it. They even specialty instruments for the procedure. Clamp, snip. Hood, clit, lips. All neatly removed with one snip.

Consequently I took a new approach toward my wife with regard to sex. I waited for an appropriate time and place and asked her gently again where her clitoris is so I could please her. She said "I don't know". I thought I was going to cry. And since I already hated her parents I decide to hate them that much more.

Even after years together I was still learning just how much my wife was victimized as a child. And just how much she could turn that around and make a victim out of me.

I tried throughout our marriage to make up for the lost attention, the lost love, the lost acceptance.

It's a horrible thing what happened to your ex wife as a child. The way she treated you and the children is a reflection of that.

Let me ask you something: Why did you put up with her awful behavior all those years? Was it love? If so, why would you love someone who doesn't know how to love you back? I say this because HPD's don't know how to love or be intimate emotionally. What may "look" like love to them is actually an illusion.

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Damon, you seem to be caught up in the sex. If she puts out, what is the problem. The problem is most people want intimacy.

I put up with her behavior for a number of reasons. I do love her, I'm an optimist, I'm compassionate, I'm Catholic, I believed in the vows I took, our children, I wanted her to get help and thought she would, life wasn't all bad.

There were good times too.

Maybe "victim" is too strong a word. I've never liked to liken myself as a victim because I was aware of what was going on even if she wasn't. I tried to affect change. Positive change. I didn't just go along for the ride, I tried to grab an oar.

As for putting out...some say the worst they ever had was wonderful. Maybe it is. Sex with intimacy and love is much better.

Of course, how would I know? But trust me on this one.