HPD Husband, Separation and Divorce

I have a few questions for those that know that they have HPD and how this disorder affects your romantic relationships. I apologize if I ask anything that may trigger, but I'm fairly new to this diagnosis in my husband and I want to approach his HPD in the best way possible.

It is a long story, but we separated a month ago due to money issues and him saying he always felt attacked and never good enough - I wanted to save and pay down debt, but he is very impulsive with buying things that make him feel happy. This has caused some friction and I have offered several times to take care of the finances, let him have an allowance per week, etc but he is insistent to do it all himself. However, he kept missing payments or hiding bills, and kept refusing my offer to help. He took extreme offense whenever I offered to pay something, did not want to discuss our bills in any way, but kept buying trinkets. I have gotten angry and we've had blow out fights in the past, but I've been as calm and loving as possible for the last few months. One of the major reasons I had a shift in my tone of voice is because he tried to kill himself when he actually looked at his credit score, which was very low. I feel horrible that my anger took him to such a dark place. I don't want him to feel that because I was angry he has to try and kill himself, however, we can not be a married couple and NEVER discuss finances, you know?

Right before the separation we discussed getting a bigger apartment - I got two promotions last year and he got one, so he stated he felt financially ready without my prompting him. We are in marriage counseling (because of our disagreements over money, his idea but I am all for it) and I suggested to him we do it in marriage counseling so the counselor can talk him out of whatever dark place he goes to if it is still a bad credit score. We wanted to see if we would be approved for certain. I also told him over and over again that if he is not ready, financially or mentally, it's fine and I was happy where we were. That night when we were suppose to look at it together in counseling he states he is going to leave and can not handle my money obsession any longer.

Since then I have found that he has had several payments bounce due to low funds (he did not want to combine finances), and each session since then has been attacks against me doing too little too late to fight my money obsession, and that I attack him this way and that way. That I called him fat once too and accused him of cheating on me recently. I mentioned once I was concerned about his weight gain from a health stand point as he was always so fit and gained 30 pounds over a few months, and I never accused him of cheating on me! It doesn't make sense! He then goes on about how I'll never consider him to be good enough and that he wants a divorce, because he is just so broken inside from everything. However, even though he has said as much, he stated he still loves me and cares for me, worries about me, and has agreed to more time to think things over before it ends completely.

I've been with this man for 15 years, and I knew he had his own issues, but when the therapist stated he has HPD the other week it opened my eyes. He fills his emptiness with food, items and sex (he was also diagnosed as a sex addict years ago but has had that under control) and nothing has filled that void in his life yet, not even me, as patient and loving as I try to be with him. This man is emotionally hurting and I may not have been communicating the right way with him. All articles and podcasts I've encountered about HPD say to "run away, they'll never change, they will suck you dry." I've read some of the posts on this site and I disagree with that, you all seem to have a good grasp of what you struggle with and are working on it. I may not understand my husband's full pain as of yet but I know he is not evil or seeking to hurt either of us.

So I guess what I'm asking for, since my marriage is not done yet, for more effective ways to communicate with my husband that I love him and that he is not a number in a bank account or a credit score. That my concern about his weight gain was not me trying to call him fat or unattractive. I want to understand him, love him, and save my marriage. Any and all advice is greatly appreciated.

Bumping this, anyone at all? I love this guy, I don't want to lose him after all these years...

Hi Miss,

What you described made me think more of BPD, but HPD might also be a gender biased diagnosis that is less often attributed to males.

Anyway...

Yes financial decisions are part of a relationship. However it's also a hot-spot for men, maybe more so for BPD males, because frankly there is a trend that feeds into the belief that women are mostly focused on money, buying things themselves, valuing men for the money they bring in, the concerns men have over working until they are too old to enjoy life to raise income, etc. Would suggest treading carefully in that regard if he has BPD/HPD thinking. It will surely trigger his buttons.

Miss_Redtide wrote:He fills his emptiness with food, items and sex

Ain't life grand?