He sounds like he has HPD? What should I do?

I would really appreciate some advice from the knowledgeable members on this forum.

I have been involved with someone who I believe may have HPD. I'd never heard of HPD until he told me someone had accused him of being histrionic in the past. I asked him if he agreed and he said 'google it and see what you think.' At the time I told him while he may have some of the tendencies, I didn't believe he had the full blown personality disorder (he was unconvinced). In hindsight, and after a shocking and traumatic end to the pseudorelationship, I now believe he was right. I don't know whether I should feel anger and hatred/disgust or sympathy for him. I don't know whether I should contact him to agree he may have a problem. Maybe I am now guilty of enabling his behavior. Here are some more details about the relationship and his symptoms:

- He told me repeatedly he didn't want a real relationship, and warned me he's manipulative. When I ended it because I wanted more, he refused to accept it because we're 'so good together', or sulked and then chased me until I fell for him again.

- He's very charming and very flirtatious, often in an inappropriate manner. He admits to flirting for validation. Often he would later show complete disinterest or even dislike for the girls he was previously all over. It was like watching a game. He admits he loves having people love him.

- He loves dressing up in costumes, especially in sparkly dresses with makeup or wigs. He's very loud and gregarious (and extremely fun).

- He constantly tells me how much girls 'want him', even when in my opinion they don't seem especially interested. He was convinced a woman chatting to us in the street 'wanted him', even though her husband was stood right next to her and she was clearly very happy. He often seems delusional in this respect. But later he'll break down and tell me he doesn't understand what women see in him.

- He has moments when he'll tell me he's worthless, unloveable, doesn't have friends etc. But if I remind him of it later he'll brush it off and go back to talking about how wonderful he is.

- He will make out with random friends and strangers (both men and women) for 'fun' and 'a joke', but hardly ever kisses me. He'll hug me and cling to me, but shun my kisses until he decides *he* wants to kiss me (which might be once a month even). It seems like a control thing. Incidentally, he very much likes sex. He'll often be very passionate.

- He loved to pretend to me he was having sex with his flat mate, or he'd make up orgies for 'a joke' and then laugh when I looked horrified. "Of course I'm just joking" he would say as my stomach dropped.

- He has a string of people staying at his house all the time. He's rarely alone.

- I didn't think he was promiscuous, which was what held me from thinking he had HPD. However, last weekend there was a traumatic string of incidents which made me change my mind. He manufactured a situation to get me into bed with him and a 'friend' who was 'crashing at his house' for the week. There were so many people in his house he said there was no other space, and we would just sleep platonically. I cuddled up to him naively still thinking there was nothing going on between them, then heard kissing noises and saw their faces were all close together. He hugged me to him and said 'isn't this nice'. I got up, asked him to follow me out of the room (he did) and asked what the hell was going on. At first he said "I was just going to sleep", but when I pressed him admitted they'd been having sex since she arrived 2 days previously. I wanted to be sick. I didn't understand. Why would he do this???

I refused to let him go back up to her and asked him to spend the night with me on the small sofa. He seemed genuinely upset "I hate to think of you hating me for the rest of your life", and then again "we are so good together". He didn't seem worried about explaining things to the other girl. The next day I got drunk and stoned for the first time (bad way to cope, I know) and screamed, flailing at him in public. A mutual friend took me in her house and he drove off with the girl.

I haven't seen him since. I've had one text saying how 'we both knew it was coming, but I'm truly sorry it happened like this, please take care of you'. I ignored it. Nothing else since. I guess he spent the rest of the week screwing the girl and not thinking anything else about it. She will finally have left by now though.


My story doesn't seem as dramatic as others on here so maybe I'm over reacting? Should I tell him somehow if it does sound like HPD, or just leave it? I do NOT want him back. But I don't want to be an enabler either. It hurts so much he could discard me with so little empathy. He even asked a friend 'why is she so upset?'.

You were lucky I decided to read this post , I often don't read long posts but since no one helped you , I felt like I should because I have histrionic traits and I'M male.

First of all I want to say about the diagnosis , I noticed that most people who come to PF asking for help for self or others are too worried about the diagnosis , because that's what makes them come here , they get to know about X disorder and comes for help.

I suggest you to stop worrying about his diagnosis , especially if It's a personality disorder , If he does or does not meet the criteria for an official diagnosis , the traits are there and It's causing problems (that's why you Came here).

I don't think you should contact him if you don't want more with him , if he has histriônic traits and is manipulative you should avoid him , you can't do much even if you confirm his histrionism, therapy is helpfull for everyone , but it doesn't change one's personality , the best therapy can do for personality disorders is help them to cope(a personality disorder is maladaptive coping mechanisms someone learnt to use trough It's life).

Again , I suggest you not to contact him as you seem a little affected by what he's done to you , wait for your wounds to cure , forget him first , then maybe someday if you eventually meet him and you May try advising him about his problems. i think that he's going to affect you emotionally if you contact him.

I hope I helped and good luck.

Hi Pooshmeu,

Many thanks for your reply, you did help a lot. I guess I was more worried about potentially having brushed off a request for advice (ie do you think I may have a problem...) than about protecting myself. It's sad that it probably wouldn't make any real difference if I said something anyway, but it's helped me realize staying NC indefinitely is definitely the right thing to do.

Hi yellowcookie,

As you know we can't diagnose here, so all you'll get is best guesses. Also arguably this post could be moved to the Significant Others, Family & Friends forum, where you will likely get some different insights.

Still, diagnosis aside, it's enough to know that you are negatively affected and odds are he is not going to change who he is. From personal experience, what brought me to this site is a relationship with someone with probable HPD. I've learned a lot since then, including that she was not going to change due to anything I did directly. However she did make some changes of her own free will, so there is a possibility he could change, but that will likely only happen if he is emotionally attached enough to you, and... you stick to defending your boundaries. The rest would be up to him.

I am not suggesting you remain involved either, just that if there is any chance of change, that's what it's going to take, and even then you should expect him to retain his core personality traits. Some of those traits can be positives too. Gregarious, highly expressive people can be very successful because of those traits. They may not be traits that are a good match for you in a one on one relationship, or maybe they are, but it is important to be honest with yourself. Being with a partner who is often the one who stands out in a group can be difficult for some, and there is nothing wrong with that either.

Thanks for your input xdude. I actually like his gregarious traits, although the constant flirting became exhausting. It's the manipulative side I'm afraid of. I know I find it difficult to maintain boundaries and I already started to feel I was losing a part of my integrity. Plus even being friends with someone who disregarded my feelings feels like I'd be devaluing myself. Hopefully he will come to help himself with his issues someday.

Interesting that some people with HPD have written that they are unaware they are flirting, and perceive themselves as just being friendly.

I do get though why flirting can be tough to live with. Most people limit flirting. It's a reserved communication that signals sexual interest or availability, so it's hard to be with a partner who is (or appears to be) signaling availability/interest to others while in a 'committed' relationship. For whatever it is worth though, and this is just from my own limited experience, even a person with HPD may react to their partner flirting with others in exactly the same way as the NON, maybe even more strongly if the attention is shifted to another. One on one interaction can already be tough enough, but few people enjoy feeling like the '3rd wheel' in a triangulated exchange.

1 shoter post
2 get him help
3 keep your distance (you can catch crazy)

Thanks Madjoe, I did regret the length of my post a little, but I guess I needed to get things off my chest. And I wasn't sure whether I was just exaggerating things in my mind.

I'm not sure how to both get someone help and keep my distance, but I guess the answer might come with time. I think he already knows he needs help.

Xdude - I think you've hit the nail on the head with why flirting would be tough to cope with. Also - if someone you have feelings for is flirting with someone they later claim utter disdain for it's very confusing. It suggests there's some deception there. And if you can't trust the emotions/intentions they're portraying to other people, how can you trust those they're portraying to you?

yellowcookie wrote:...
Xdude - I think you've hit the nail on the head with why flirting would be tough to cope with. Also - if someone you have feelings for is flirting with someone they later claim utter disdain for it's very confusing. It suggests there's some deception there. And if you can't trust the emotions/intentions they're portraying to other people, how can you trust those they're portraying to you?

The deception thought is further mucked up by...

We people definitely do what we do for reasons, because we get something out of it. We may not be aware of our reasons, and we may even self-deceive because to face our reasons would be unpleasant (i.e., we tend to prefer to see ourselves in the best possible light), but we do what we do for some real or perceived benefit.

He may not be aware then that flirting with so many so often hurts you, or even if he is aware, he may not want to stop if that means giving up the perceived benefits. The key thing is he may not want to face what he is getting out of his flirting either. For example, he may be someone who really has convinced himself that he is just doing it to be friendly, or if he is somewhat delusional, may have convinced himself that he has a higher calling in life to flirt with others to brighten their day (this really happens for some).

That type of belief really starts with self-deception, and while it's sometimes possible to detect deception in others, when we self-deceive, unless he is the type that is highly introspective, odds are he won't ever be able to face why he does what he does.