do you tell HPD she might be HPD

I have determined through indirect work that my partner is extremely likely to be HPD (everything maps on - from what happened to her as a child through to how she behaves now).
I reached this strong suspicion with the help of some professionals, one of whom was very clear in his view that it would be really counter productive to ever mention the PD issue to my wife. This guy was spot-on on everything else, so I'm wary of ignoring his view on this.
It's an interesting situation though, to adopt a course of action where you effectively have so little regard for your partner that you don't even discuss such a big fundamental issue. It implies that you've abandoned truth as the foundation of your relationship. I'm far enough into this situation to be willing to believe that this dismal implication is inescapable. But i do want to test that.
i would welcome any views on this. Thanks

I would not recommend confronting her. Building up your knowledge on the subject to learn how to deal with her better would help, but do not confront. My mother would always confront me in a more blunt way ("Its not my fault you have unresolved issues with needing attention and validation") and it honestly made me feel very attacked. One way to make a pwHPD feel worse is to bring to their knowing that their need for attention is at a clinical level. I'm just speaking from my experience, though. I may not be right.

Tough one.

Independent of HPD specifically...

I agree though that telling her you think she has a PD is very likely to backfire, and result in nothing of value. Consider how poorly most of us respond to even minor criticism, so what it would be like to hear that your entire personality is 'flawed'. It's obvious that it won't be taken well no matter your intentions.

On the flip side, PDs can go on and become reinforced when everyone is walking on egg shells around someone with a PD. Nobody ever says anything because they know the response will be a dramatic scene, but throwing those scenes also becomes away to keep everyone else on the carousel, living in fear that what they say next will trigger someone with a PD. A form of control that is non-productive for everyone involved.

It's probably better then to deal with specifics as they happen, with the understanding that the person with the PD still may threaten to run or cause a scene, but at least you'll set a precedent for how you expect to be treated.

Thanks both. What you say makes sense - naturally, there is no easy way through it!

I should have added that there are 3 small children involved. So the stakes are high as the kids are in the firing line, already getting on the wrong end of some pretty extreme episodes. When I balance their feelings and future mental health against HPD's moment to moment happiness (which is also important) and also the possibility of her finding a way out of these destructive patterns, I feel I need to try something.

Tiptoeing around her feels like I'm sending a message to my kids that this is all OK. Even, perhaps, a message that they would do well to behave like their mother.

I totally understand the point about responding with some firmness to individual instances of problematic behaviour. But if I want to really engage the problem in a more direct way, are there any suggestions as to how I might raise it? The objective would be that she become motivated for herself to try to process the tragic unfairness she lived with as a little child.

thanks

Hey siggy,

ideally I think that the best advices about how to handle to co-parenting with a HPD partner may come from professionals specialized in dealing with BPD/HPD/NPD sufferers.

In this sense, did you find a professional giving these kind of advices? If yes, what did they suggest you?

No, I wouldn't tell your partner as it wouldn't create a very productive conversation; however, xdude is right about not reinforcing your partner's behavior. Enabling her behavior as-is won't change anything.

You can put up some boundaries on what you will or will not tolerate from her and maintain those boundaries no matter how many times she keeps crossing them. You can do this with gentle reminders when she is in a better mood, and back it up with things that you've done for her in turn, things that her family of origin never did for her. If the kids see that you have some backbone about how you would like to be treated respectfully, they'll understand that a relationship is not all about pleasing one person and that you have a caring sensitivity to others' problematic baggage.

If she keeps disrespecting those boundaries and ends up painting you black, well, I hope you will then understand that you need to take care of yourself first. The kids need to have at least one healthy parent to guide them and as an example of stability in their lives.

Just my 2c worth.

Thank you very much both fr4nz83 and realityhere.

You guys are so "on it":
- fr4nz83, do you know if there is a network of people who specialise in HPD/BPD? I'm in London and I've found it very difficult to get help ... understandably psych pros rather deal with the person sitting across the table from them than coach that person on how to manage a situation the psych can only analyse through second hand information. The problem is that this is how hit will generally be with HPDs... they are unlikely to wander into a professional's office and say "I think I have an issue and am making life challenging for myself and those around me." I need some really specific and tuned in coaching.

- realityhere: -your "2c worth" probably gives me 90% of that coaching in 3 wise paragraphs. But I'd like to have access to someone who can talk me through the specific situations my family and I find ourselves in. If you know anyone or any network in London please let me know. I've been looking for some years now and can't find what I need.

thanks

SiggyW wrote:- fr4nz83, do you know if there is a network of people who specialise in HPD/BPD? I'm in London and I've found it very difficult to get help ... understandably psych pros rather deal with the person sitting across the table from them than coach that person on how to manage a situation the psych can only analyse through second hand information. The problem is that this is how hit will generally be with HPDs... they are unlikely to wander into a professional's office and say "I think I have an issue and am making life challenging for myself and those around me." I need some really specific and tuned in coaching.

I'm Italian, so unfortunately I can't give you any advice in this sense, I'm sorry
In any case I think you can find, via Google, Ts in London specialized in BPD/HPD...so, give it a look (see at the bottom of my post)! I did exactly this and the T I found here in my city was very good

Anyway, in general I think you can try two things: the first one is to find a psychologist - preferably with a good reputation and specialized in, at least, BPD, fix an appointment and then, during the session, ask which things you can do to improve the situation with your partner. This thing, in itself, will be very useful to handle the situation in the immediate.

The second thing, which represents the best option but is harder to implement, is perhaps to start a couple therapy, so that the T can analyze the HPD sufferer firsthand and suggest ways to handle your conflicts in healthier ways. Not easy to do...

All in all, I think you could go for the first solution first, and then see if you can implement the second one at some point.

PS: Have a look here, perhaps it can be a start: http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk ... ionic.html

PS2: In the meantime you may found useful to read these documents, which will inform you about HPD and BPD from a clinical (yet easy to read) point of view:

http://www.universitypsychiatry.com/cli ... _PICPs.pdf (HPD)
http://maretwebproject.com/users/docs/histrionic.pdf
http://www.universitypsychiatry.com/cli ... _PICPs.pdf (BPD)
http://maretwebproject.com/users/docs/borderline.pdf

Thanks Fr4nz83. You're very kind to provide all of that.

I've taken a look and, frankly, I'm horrified by my predicament and that of my kids.

A psychiatrist told me last week that once HPDs properly engage in therapy there is a 60% chance that progress will be made. But that is pretty theoretical... they don't recognise their issue and they don't engage.

I have to try though.