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by **Damon** » Mon Feb 26, 2007 6:25 pm

My HPD was married to his (last) ex-wife for 13 years. He has always been adamant that he was always faithful, and he is apparently telling the truth.

However, keep in mind that what he has told me about their relationship leads me to believe that it wasn't an emotionally intimate, equal relationship; she took care of him and made no demands or complaints, and he did whatever he wished except for cheating on her. If you ask me, she still got a rotten deal (which she, of course accepted for 13 years).

Except for that particular woman, who was apparently inordinately submissive and passive, I believe most of his relationships have burned out in about a year and a half. He insists he is always faithful in relationships.

by **nowhereman** » Tue Feb 27, 2007 10:54 am

My HPD ex-gf has been married for over 20 years. Her husband provides financial and emotional support as well as oppurtunites for travel. He's a European. international financier so he also provides "supply" indirectly when she can brag about him.

She claims they haven't slept together in 12 years

by **Damon** » Tue Feb 27, 2007 1:00 pm

by **nowhereman** » Wed Feb 28, 2007 2:01 pm

I'm not sure why he puts up with it. He and I have never met.

He's an avoidant and she has a very generous seperation agreement. He lives in the UK and she lives in the US. They travel together, he visits her and she is currently visiting him while emailing me.

In the case of my hpd, she gets financial support as well as "supply" from being married to a rich banker. Its carried quite a few years. I can't dismiss the idea that there may be some genuine friendship there.

by **Jay** » Fri Mar 02, 2007 12:18 am

There's a very good reason for this. Rather than commit himself to a real close relationship with a woman who he could see everyday, he sets up a compromise relationship that both satisfies his need for attachment and defends against his fear of engulfment. The overriding factor here is not a relationship but defence against fear of closeness and intimacy. That's why he stays. It's works, not in a healthy way but in a pathological way.

by **nowhereman** » Sat Mar 03, 2007 9:45 am

Thanks Jay. You may be on to something there. Add to that that they both love international travel and have both convenient destinations in the US and UK and companions for trips elsewhere.

by **nowhereman** » Sun Mar 04, 2007 10:19 am

My ex-gf has emailed me since she's been visiting her husband in London. A few more things have come to light.

I take this with a grain of salt.

She claims that he remains married to her because it insures him a US Green Card. She also claims that he has threatened suicide if she ever divorces him as well as leaving her penniless.

She doesn't work and is wholey dependant on him for financial support.

by **Jay** » Sun Mar 04, 2007 5:18 pm

There's no love in this marraige. They're just using each other. Her husband is using manipulation--threats of suicide and loss of financial support--to keep her in line. He needs her alot more than just for a green card. I think he's just saying that to put her down for some reason and to deny to himself his need for her. Is he a Narcissist? The fact that she called you after this hurtful exchange with her husband is something to look at.

When her husband threatened her she felt that great underlying fear that she has. That is of being alone and abandoned and unable to care for herself. HPD's are very sensitive to these sorts of comments. It sends them into a panic. So what does she do? She reassures herself by turning to you via email and telling you what happened in the hopes that you will comfort and feel sorry for her. She needs to know someone else will be there just in case.

by **nowhereman** » Sun Mar 04, 2007 8:17 pm

Now she says she's going to tell him that they can't be together. When I asked her exactly what she meant she skated around the issue and never used the word divorce.

I just told her that she would have my support and the actions had to come from her.

She also mentioned getting therapy for herself.

She has made some advances toward me and then told me that she knew she had lost me. I've been adopting a wait and see attitude and trying not to let my skepticism show. I've heard this all before.

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