Finally Free (I hope)

Hi, I'm new to the forum, and wanted to share my story.


I finally was able to break free from my ex, we actually divorced 3 years ago (we've known each other 6yrs), but kept going back and forth (since I never new exactly what was going on, and I was lost in the fog), I believe she has more of HPD, but some of her actions suggests NPD as well


She pushed for marriage quickly, had all the usual symptoms of being the victim and having everyone around her against her, I bought into the damsel in distress and ignored all the red flags, we got marred and had a beautiful little girl right away (she's almost 5 now), I was my ex’s everything in the beginning, all the normal tactics, constant frequent communications, manufactured jealously on her part (even though I would only go to work w/o her, everything else we did together), she must have hated that I would never be jealous in the beginning, or clingy, but after a year or so, she chipped away at my security, comparing me to everyone, telling me how everyone wants her, belittling me, etc.. But I always had the sense that she had low self esteem, her talk, stories, and attitudes just didn't add up or match.


She cheated on me, left me and our 18month old (I filed for divorce and finalized it within 6 months), but throughout those 6 months we kept going back and forth, while she kept her other guy around (she would always convince me that she didn't like him and they were just friends, but everything suggested differently, once the divorce was finalized, and I wouldn't take her back, she all of a sudden decided to be his girlfriend, that only lasted a couple months, when he moved out of state... I wasn't free yet, as I still didn't know about any of these PDs, so she continued to work me, and easily convinced me to consider us, and I did consider it, she would always throw herself at me and get me emotionally evolved, but when things didn't move fast enough, within 2 months, she already had another boyfriend to triangulate me with. Again she would say how she didn't like him, and just doesn't want to be alone, if I take her back, she'll leave him, but yet, she's spending time and sleeping over his house, and just like the last one, already had him around our daughter early in the relationship (one reason I have primary custody and have our daughter 65% of the time - as no matter how lost in the fog I was, I didn't trust her to have our daughter for prolonged periods of time). She moved in with this one about 4 months into the relationship, that lasted about a 1yr and a half, she would continue to bring me into her life, we would hook up, etcs, yet she’s living with him (yes, I was weak, I’m 14yrs older than she is and could only fend her off so much w/o giving in to her seductive ways - note that her boyfriends, including her current 3rd one are about 10yrs older than her). She would always call me and tell me how miserable she is, she finally moved out and left him after 1.5yrs, and again, had me considering us getting back together, as she always planted seeds on how she is only with the guys because I’m not with her since our divorce, I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, so would consider and get emotionally involved (to an extent, as I could no longer ignore the red flags), I told her that we would have to take it super slow, because her actions never match her words, I would have to see proper action before bringing her completely back into my life and have her move in, after 2 months, she couldn’t take it any longer and found another boyfriend, its been 6 months, and they’ve already broken up once (at least) and he admitted to cheating on her, and well, she hasn’t been an angel either (I should know - again, I’ve been weak, she’s very seductive)… about a month ago she quit her job and plans on moving in with the new boyfriend.


She was already talking crap to me about him, and openly admits that she doesn’t love him, but he is offering to pay her bills etc (and all over a sudden cheating isn't a big deal to her - when we met infidelity was supposedly a big no-no for her, which is something I loved about her - her mother cheats according to her and she didn't approve of cheating and didn't want to be like her mother - but now this guy cheats and its not a big deal, she goes as far to say now that if I cheated on her, she wouldn't leave me - yet she used to say during her manufactured jealously bouts that she would kill me if I cheated on her - now cheating is not a big deal, and she uses it to her advantage against him, since now she can control him over it and bring it up at will), ok back on track... if I suggest 'what about us', she would ask what would I offer her, would I pay her bills etc, and she’ll come back me (but after all the red flags at this point, I don’t offer more than words), but in listening to her now, she is more open about her mindset, how she has no problem taking money from these guys and how her last relationship that lasted a 1.5yrs wasn’t a waste since that ex bought her stuff… She also has a male friend (she never has female friends), who she takes advantage of constantly, he's even babysat our daughter, she drives his car (has crashed it, also given him a flat) yet she demands the car from him as it were hers, according to her, he is very timid and she speaks up for him at work, but I think he is starting to get fed up as well, she saids they are only friends, I don't see how he lets her step all over him, without him perhaps getting something in return, but he does know about me and he new boyfriend, so I can't see how he fits in


She exhibits a lot of the HPD symptoms, she needs attention, she loves her alcohol, she needs constant attention and compliments, very emotional which shift from crying one minute, smirk a second later, to furious and yelling the next, very confusing and over the top, always seemed fake to me, so I never completely let her run my life and get her way based on her tantrums and emotional outbursts… but now that she’s been more open discussing her feeling about the new guy, I feel she may have NPD as well, because, I don’t know if HPD could be so malicious and just use men to gain material things like she does, as I think HPDs mostly seek attention and drama (which she generates often), so its why i think she has HPD and perhaps NPD tendencies.

At any rate, I've gone no contact with her, its only been about a week (have done this before, but didn't know about PDs at the time, so would let her melt my guard away within a week or two) but now that I understand PDs, she is on no contact for good (unless its something to do with our daughter)... I think it'll stick this time, as I now know of the existence of PDs, and she also knows that I am on to her, her lies, and manipulations tactics.

Anyways that's my story, I hope to be able to move on now, look for a honest, mentally healthy woman, and move on with my life

Totally feel for ya mate! And I'm surprised you've not had a reply.... I have been free (well sort of) from someone who I think is histrionic, it's tough at first. but not worth going back there. It's only after splitting, a year ago that I started the research and came across a brilliant discussion on here.....

this one!

histrionic-personality/topic53191.html

I think I was lucky because we split for 6 months (while I was paying all her rent and bills for her and her son from a previous relationship) and I lived at a close friends house.
She was amazing when I first met her and really thought she was 'the one' In fact I couldn't believe I had met such an intelligent charming and charismatic woman. Ex lead singer in a band, with a career.
Within a few months she had found a job where I live and we started renting together.....
We both enjoyed a drink, but within a year she'd lost her job, within three got and lost another job and I was paying in all sorts of ways not just financially. She cut my friends out of my life, always wanted to know where I was... if I was 30 minutes late from work.
Then started locking me out of the house I paid for.

Anyway, you hang on in there!, you don't need her in your life.... till death do us part with an HPD! no, what about your needs.